1
00:00:01,210 --> 00:00:02,678
ADAM: Oh, milk it, Dersy.
BLAKE: There you go.
2
00:00:02,753 --> 00:00:05,848
- Oh! Milk the mother teat.
- (LAUGHTER)
3
00:00:05,923 --> 00:00:08,017
- (COUGHING)
- Man, it is hella cool
4
00:00:08,091 --> 00:00:10,014
when, like, the moon is out
during the day.
5
00:00:10,093 --> 00:00:12,187
ADAM: Like, how does that even work?
BLAKE AND ANDERS: I don't know.
6
00:00:12,262 --> 00:00:14,606
When you think about it,
the stars are still there,
7
00:00:14,681 --> 00:00:17,104
and, like, they just keep going, you know?
8
00:00:17,184 --> 00:00:20,188
They go on for, like, forever, like...
Forever ever.
9
00:00:20,270 --> 00:00:21,863
- Forever ever?
- Yeah.
10
00:00:21,939 --> 00:00:24,943
I mean, it's like Joe Rogan says,
"We're just talking monkeys
11
00:00:25,025 --> 00:00:27,869
"on an organic spaceship
flying through the universe."
12
00:00:27,945 --> 00:00:29,322
And also, his thoughts on, like,
13
00:00:29,404 --> 00:00:31,577
if a girl won't suck upon your balls,
14
00:00:31,657 --> 00:00:33,705
- you guys aren't meant to be together.
- Smart.
15
00:00:33,784 --> 00:00:35,036
It's funny, 'cause it's true.
16
00:00:35,118 --> 00:00:36,210
Well, you heard how he said, like,
17
00:00:36,286 --> 00:00:40,132
"Imagination is the force
behind our evolution."
18
00:00:40,207 --> 00:00:41,880
And I think he's... He's right.
19
00:00:41,959 --> 00:00:44,803
When I was a kid, my imagination
was ridiculousness.
20
00:00:44,878 --> 00:00:47,051
Like, I was always coming up with stuff.
21
00:00:47,130 --> 00:00:49,383
Think of all the different paths
you could have taken in your life.
22
00:00:49,466 --> 00:00:50,558
I could have tooken so many paths.
23
00:00:50,634 --> 00:00:52,227
I could have been, like, a trombone player,
24
00:00:52,302 --> 00:00:53,929
in, like, "Nah Orleans,"
just blowing my bone!
25
00:00:54,012 --> 00:00:56,891
Or I could have been, like, a cop,
but, like, a dirty one, you know?
26
00:00:56,974 --> 00:00:59,568
- Sounds like a normal cop.
- Or like a porno star, right?
27
00:00:59,643 --> 00:01:01,236
But not just like a regular porno dude.
28
00:01:01,311 --> 00:01:05,236
Like a star, dude.
Like, "Oh, here comes Adam with his big hog
29
00:01:05,315 --> 00:01:06,783
- "all greased up."
- (LAUGHING)
30
00:01:06,858 --> 00:01:08,701
That I feel is a real calling that I missed.
31
00:01:08,777 --> 00:01:09,949
I'd watch you bone.
32
00:01:10,028 --> 00:01:11,575
- I definitely would.
- Thank you. Thank you.
33
00:01:11,655 --> 00:01:13,282
But you know what, you don't
even have to sweat that, man,
34
00:01:13,365 --> 00:01:14,617
because, really, when you think about it,
35
00:01:14,700 --> 00:01:17,579
life doesn't even really
get good until you're, like, 70.
36
00:01:17,661 --> 00:01:18,662
- You know?
- Yeah.
37
00:01:18,745 --> 00:01:20,122
Like being an old dude is awesome,
38
00:01:20,205 --> 00:01:23,926
like, just not having to do anything
but, like, sit around, watch cartoons,
39
00:01:24,001 --> 00:01:26,925
and smoke the herb, bro.
That's gonna be tight.
40
00:01:27,004 --> 00:01:29,006
(COUGHING) Isn't that what you do already?
41
00:01:29,798 --> 00:01:30,799
Yeah. Yeah.
42
00:01:31,008 --> 00:01:33,056
Yeah, but when you're 70,
your dick won't work.
43
00:01:33,135 --> 00:01:35,604
- You can't star in pornos.
- Dude, they got medicine for that.
44
00:01:35,679 --> 00:01:38,683
- Yeah. Dicks work forever now.
- Oh! Oh, oh, oh! Big Dipper!
45
00:01:39,308 --> 00:01:41,731
This is my year! 2015, baby!
46
00:01:41,810 --> 00:01:43,062
2015! Whoo!
47
00:01:43,145 --> 00:01:45,147
- Oh, it's just that guy...
- Yeah, it's the guy across the street.
48
00:01:45,230 --> 00:01:46,823
You don't even need the telescope for that.
49
00:01:46,898 --> 00:01:48,275
Whoo! Starting defense!
50
00:01:48,358 --> 00:01:50,452
Place at the table, baby! Whoo!
51
00:01:50,500 --> 00:01:54,600
Ripped By mstoll
52
00:01:54,615 --> 00:01:55,992
(SINGING) I'm fresh
53
00:01:57,200 --> 00:01:59,248
You gotta, you gotta
You gotta, gotta
54
00:01:59,328 --> 00:02:00,454
Gotta be fresh
55
00:02:02,998 --> 00:02:04,716
- (CLATTERING)
- Whoa, dude.
56
00:02:04,791 --> 00:02:06,213
(SNICKERING)
57
00:02:06,543 --> 00:02:07,669
Okay.
58
00:02:08,003 --> 00:02:09,095
- Uh...
- I didn't mean to do that.
59
00:02:09,171 --> 00:02:10,764
- Hey, thanks for the smoothies.
- Yeah.
60
00:02:10,839 --> 00:02:12,512
- Honestly...
- Smooth move, operator.
61
00:02:12,591 --> 00:02:17,062
...it's NBD because I do generous stuff
like buy smoothies for my bros quite often.
62
00:02:17,387 --> 00:02:20,140
Yeah, no, you don't. Actually,
I think you've stolen from us a couple times.
63
00:02:20,223 --> 00:02:21,224
Bunch of times.
64
00:02:21,350 --> 00:02:24,399
I would consider myself the Robin Hood
of the crew. I'll say that.
65
00:02:24,478 --> 00:02:25,695
Plus...
66
00:02:26,229 --> 00:02:29,529
In order to be happy,
you have to make others happy,
67
00:02:29,608 --> 00:02:31,030
and that's a Joe Rogan quote.
68
00:02:31,109 --> 00:02:32,281
- Mmm-hmm.
- ANDERS: That reminds me
69
00:02:32,361 --> 00:02:33,658
of one of my favorite Roganisms.
70
00:02:33,737 --> 00:02:36,240
- Um...
- And I know what it is, and I'm gonna stop ya.
71
00:02:36,323 --> 00:02:39,623
It's, uh,
"If a girl can lift weights with her pussy,
72
00:02:39,701 --> 00:02:42,580
(LAUGHS) "she's gotta be
an unstoppable freak." Am I right?
73
00:02:42,663 --> 00:02:45,086
- That's a good one, but no. It's actually...
- ADAM: Uh...
74
00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:47,509
"If you get cancer from a cell phone,
75
00:02:48,210 --> 00:02:49,507
"you're a pussy!"
76
00:02:49,586 --> 00:02:52,760
Also good. But, no, I was... It's that,
"Robin Hood can suck it."
77
00:02:53,423 --> 00:02:54,640
Which I thought was pretty funny,
78
00:02:54,716 --> 00:02:56,889
and you were talking about it and...
What's on your leg?
79
00:02:56,968 --> 00:02:59,437
(CHUCKLING) Huh? Oh, my...
80
00:02:59,554 --> 00:03:00,555
Hi.
81
00:03:00,639 --> 00:03:02,812
Hundreds, and in different colors and sizes.
82
00:03:03,225 --> 00:03:05,023
BLAKE: Hey, Alice, so...
83
00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:07,654
We found this kid,
and he didn't have, like, a leash,
84
00:03:07,729 --> 00:03:10,232
and we don't know, like, the last
time he's been let out to poop,
85
00:03:10,315 --> 00:03:11,567
so we don't know where he came from.
86
00:03:11,650 --> 00:03:13,618
ADAM: I mean,
we have a guess as to whose it is.
87
00:03:13,694 --> 00:03:16,038
I lost my virginity when I was 17 years old,
88
00:03:16,113 --> 00:03:20,539
and I'm not proud of that.
I should have been at least 14 or 15, but...
89
00:03:20,617 --> 00:03:24,087
I mean, I think the math works out
that this could be my child.
90
00:03:24,371 --> 00:03:25,543
- He's mine.
- Oh.
91
00:03:25,622 --> 00:03:27,795
You leave this kid alone
for five goddamn seconds,
92
00:03:27,874 --> 00:03:29,296
he gets into all kinds of trouble.
93
00:03:29,376 --> 00:03:31,549
- (ALL CHUCKLING)
- Yeah. God damn it.
94
00:03:31,628 --> 00:03:33,346
Uh, guys, this is Mr. Gainey.
95
00:03:33,422 --> 00:03:35,174
He's from Stock Surplus.
96
00:03:35,257 --> 00:03:37,931
He's here to buy up all those old mirrors
that you couldn't sell.
97
00:03:38,051 --> 00:03:40,349
- Remember those?
- It's tough to sell mirrors over the phone.
98
00:03:40,429 --> 00:03:43,558
Well, this is his son Josh,
who Jillian is supposed to be watching.
99
00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:46,109
- Jillian!
- What's up? I'm just hanging outwith Josh.
100
00:03:48,019 --> 00:03:50,613
Hey, Josh! Why'd you disappear, huh?
101
00:03:50,689 --> 00:03:52,066
Don't you want to play with the worms?
102
00:03:52,149 --> 00:03:54,572
Huh? Come on, the worms are our friends.
103
00:03:54,818 --> 00:03:57,116
This is Carla,
and that's her ex-husband, Roddy...
104
00:03:57,279 --> 00:03:59,748
I don't want to play with her. She sucks!
105
00:03:59,823 --> 00:04:02,121
- Hey! Hey! Watch your mouth!
- (GIGGLING)
106
00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:03,622
Okay? We don't use the "S" word.
107
00:04:03,702 --> 00:04:05,670
Jeff lets me say it at Mom's house.
108
00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:08,044
DAVE: Jeff is an idiot tennis instructor.
109
00:04:08,665 --> 00:04:10,838
And does this look like your mom's house?
110
00:04:11,293 --> 00:04:12,761
- I wanna play with them!
- ANDERS: Ow!
111
00:04:12,836 --> 00:04:14,429
- Oh, yeah.
- DAVE: Do you mind?
112
00:04:14,504 --> 00:04:16,927
He's just gonna whine
and whine until he gets his way.
113
00:04:17,007 --> 00:04:18,350
Kinda like his mother in that way.
114
00:04:18,717 --> 00:04:23,473
Yeah, look, um, I just think it's probably
a better idea if he stays with Jillian.
115
00:04:23,555 --> 00:04:24,556
Yes.
116
00:04:24,681 --> 00:04:26,934
No. Alice, it's mine. I get to keep it.
117
00:04:27,017 --> 00:04:28,894
What? Why? Why can't we watch him?
118
00:04:28,977 --> 00:04:30,775
- Because...
- Well, because we're dumb.
119
00:04:30,854 --> 00:04:33,232
And we're irresponsible and
we're idiots and we're stupid.
120
00:04:33,315 --> 00:04:35,363
Yeah. Yeah, that's exactly right, Adam.
Thanks.
121
00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:37,361
Hang on a second. Uh... I'm sorry.
122
00:04:37,444 --> 00:04:39,538
I think we can handle one little dude.
123
00:04:40,322 --> 00:04:43,417
- Right? I mean, uh, when I was a lifeguard, I...
- (ALICE EXHALES)
124
00:04:43,992 --> 00:04:46,336
Well, unfortunately, that's
probably not the best example.
125
00:04:46,411 --> 00:04:47,412
JOSH: I wanna go with them.
126
00:04:47,496 --> 00:04:48,463
- ANDERS: Yes!
- I like them.
127
00:04:48,538 --> 00:04:50,540
- ANDERS: Yeah!
- Um, would it be okay?
128
00:04:51,625 --> 00:04:53,548
Yeah, sure. That's fine.
129
00:04:53,752 --> 00:04:54,753
Perfect!
130
00:04:54,836 --> 00:04:57,180
JILLIAN: Alice, check this one out.
131
00:04:57,255 --> 00:04:58,381
He's quiet and little.
132
00:04:58,507 --> 00:05:00,259
I named him Waymond Wormano.
133
00:05:00,592 --> 00:05:01,889
Cute, get it, 'cause... No!
134
00:05:02,177 --> 00:05:03,144
- Waymond!
- I like kids.
135
00:05:03,220 --> 00:05:04,221
ANDERS: Yeah.
136
00:05:05,722 --> 00:05:07,565
What the... My Strawberry Surf Rider!
137
00:05:07,641 --> 00:05:09,564
ADAM: No! Don't drink the floor smoothie!
138
00:05:09,643 --> 00:05:10,860
Don't! Get up, get up, get up, get up.
139
00:05:11,061 --> 00:05:12,984
You've been Bill Cosby'd.
You've been Bill Cosby'd.
140
00:05:13,063 --> 00:05:14,155
I Bill Cosby'd myself.
141
00:05:14,606 --> 00:05:16,529
But instead of, like, a date rape drug,
142
00:05:16,608 --> 00:05:19,657
it's, like...
(WHISPERING) I put peyote in the smoothies.
143
00:05:20,403 --> 00:05:21,780
What? Why?
144
00:05:22,030 --> 00:05:24,749
I was trying to get on, like,
a spiritual level, like...
145
00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:27,578
Like when we were on the roof, you know,
talking about, like, cool...
146
00:05:27,661 --> 00:05:29,584
Like cool stuff about imagination and stuff.
147
00:05:30,247 --> 00:05:31,590
(SOFTLY) You... Peyote? At work?
148
00:05:31,665 --> 00:05:32,666
- Yeah!
- ADAM: Yeah, well,
149
00:05:32,749 --> 00:05:34,342
as Joseph Rogan said,
150
00:05:34,417 --> 00:05:36,795
he took, like, peyote before an MMA class
151
00:05:36,878 --> 00:05:37,970
and he said, "It was the bomb diggity."
152
00:05:38,046 --> 00:05:40,390
Do not make up Joe Rogan quotes.
That is not okay!
153
00:05:40,465 --> 00:05:42,217
No, I'm paraphrasing, okay?
154
00:05:42,300 --> 00:05:44,598
Why did you Joe Rogan us?
Why couldn't you just Seth Rogen us?
155
00:05:44,761 --> 00:05:45,978
- Yeah! We could have just...
- Yeah. Yeah.
156
00:05:46,054 --> 00:05:48,148
- ...smoked a bunch of weed.
- Right. (LAUGHING)
157
00:05:48,223 --> 00:05:49,566
Babysat the kid.
158
00:05:49,641 --> 00:05:51,018
We Seth Rogen ourselves all the time.
159
00:05:51,101 --> 00:05:52,648
This is different. I was
trying to Joe Rogan us.
160
00:05:52,978 --> 00:05:55,026
- (WHISPERING) Where's the kid?
- (PHONE RINGING)
161
00:05:55,105 --> 00:05:57,153
- Kid? Kid!
- Where's the kid? Kid!
162
00:05:57,649 --> 00:05:58,650
Who remembers his name?
163
00:05:58,733 --> 00:06:00,701
Uh... It's Jash, like the YouTube channel.
164
00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:03,697
- Wait, um...
- Mmm-mmm, mmm-mmm.
165
00:06:03,780 --> 00:06:05,327
You guys, I'm starting to feel weird.
166
00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:08,292
There he is!
167
00:06:09,286 --> 00:06:11,334
Whoa! What's happening?
168
00:06:11,413 --> 00:06:12,790
It's kicking in.
169
00:06:12,873 --> 00:06:15,126
- Here it comes.
- VOICES: (ECHOING) Peyote!
170
00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:16,551
(ALL SHOUTING)
171
00:06:17,794 --> 00:06:18,761
(SCREAMING)
172
00:06:18,837 --> 00:06:19,884
What?
173
00:06:19,963 --> 00:06:21,180
Oh, God!
174
00:06:21,298 --> 00:06:22,971
- Whoa!
- Just...
175
00:06:23,049 --> 00:06:25,051
We gotta go, we gotta go, we gotta go! Go!
176
00:06:25,302 --> 00:06:26,724
(EERIE MUSIC PLAYING)
177
00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:28,639
(ALL GRUNTING)
178
00:06:31,182 --> 00:06:32,900
What's happening?
179
00:06:32,976 --> 00:06:34,353
BOTH: Whoa!
180
00:06:35,353 --> 00:06:36,650
- (ALL SHOUTING)
- Oh, God!
181
00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:37,731
I'm okay!
182
00:06:37,814 --> 00:06:39,407
BLAKE: Okay, are you all right?
183
00:06:39,482 --> 00:06:41,655
(SHOUTING) It's a black hole!
184
00:06:42,152 --> 00:06:44,701
- (SHOUTING)
- No! No!
185
00:06:46,990 --> 00:06:49,459
- Oh, God. Come on! Come on!
- Okay!
186
00:06:49,534 --> 00:06:51,207
Wait, wait, no, no! I'm not ready!
187
00:06:51,995 --> 00:06:53,338
(GRUNTING)
188
00:06:53,622 --> 00:06:55,750
(ALL GROANING)
189
00:06:58,627 --> 00:07:00,379
ADAM: It's pretty normal now!
190
00:07:02,756 --> 00:07:03,803
(SHOUTING)
191
00:07:05,675 --> 00:07:06,676
There he is.
192
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:09,058
Hey! You can’t just run off like that, okay?
193
00:07:09,137 --> 00:07:10,730
You can get killed running down that hallway.
194
00:07:10,805 --> 00:07:13,308
I'm bored. I want us to all color together!
195
00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:15,435
Uh...
196
00:07:15,810 --> 00:07:17,187
BLAKE: Hey, it's almost lunchtime.
197
00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:20,694
We gotta get out of here now, man,
go somewhere quiet where we can be alone.
198
00:07:21,441 --> 00:07:24,035
I know just the place where no one goes-.
199
00:07:24,527 --> 00:07:26,029
- The office gym.
- Good call.
200
00:07:26,696 --> 00:07:29,119
We'll put this little dude on the elliptical,
tucker him out,
201
00:07:29,199 --> 00:07:30,997
and then we'll just wait
for the peyote to wear off.
202
00:07:31,076 --> 00:07:33,454
- Okay.
- Someone make a copy of my coloring book
203
00:07:33,536 --> 00:07:34,913
so we can all color together.
204
00:07:34,996 --> 00:07:36,919
- Okay, yeah, we'll do that. First...
- JOSH: Hey!
205
00:07:37,207 --> 00:07:38,208
Listen to me!
206
00:07:38,291 --> 00:07:40,259
(FOOTSTEPS ECHOING)
207
00:07:41,002 --> 00:07:42,003
Oh, my God.
208
00:07:45,298 --> 00:07:49,394
(ECHOING) I said I want us
to color together... Now!
209
00:07:49,552 --> 00:07:51,975
- Yeah, yeah, whatever you want, man.
- If you want to color, we'll color.
210
00:07:52,055 --> 00:07:54,399
Okay, Adam,
go make some copies of the coloring book,
211
00:07:54,474 --> 00:07:57,227
and, Blake, go find some markers
and pens, right?
212
00:07:57,936 --> 00:08:01,986
And since I'm the tallest,
I guess I'll take the giant to the gym.
213
00:08:02,107 --> 00:08:03,233
(SCREAMING)
214
00:08:03,566 --> 00:08:04,943
- Okay.
- Okay.
215
00:08:12,784 --> 00:08:15,287
We're here and, uh, why don't you just...
216
00:08:15,870 --> 00:08:18,419
Play in that corner or something
until Blake and Adam get back, okay?
217
00:08:18,623 --> 00:08:20,296
But I wanna play a game.
218
00:08:20,375 --> 00:08:22,252
I wanna play hide and go seek!
219
00:08:22,335 --> 00:08:24,429
Uh, that's too bad,
because games are for children,
220
00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:25,596
and I'm a grownup.
221
00:08:25,755 --> 00:08:27,598
Let's play zookeeper.
222
00:08:27,799 --> 00:08:30,393
I'm the zookeeper, and you're a bird.
223
00:08:30,719 --> 00:08:33,017
I'm not a bird. I'm a man, okay?
224
00:08:33,096 --> 00:08:35,269
And just don't turn into
a giant again, please.
225
00:08:35,390 --> 00:08:38,439
Then why do you have wings, ya bird?
226
00:08:38,768 --> 00:08:39,985
I don't have...
227
00:08:40,979 --> 00:08:41,980
Oh, my God.
228
00:08:44,107 --> 00:08:45,404
What the hell?
229
00:08:46,568 --> 00:08:47,740
- (CRACKING)
- (ANDERS GROANS)
230
00:08:48,403 --> 00:08:49,575
(SQUAWKING)
231
00:08:49,654 --> 00:08:50,951
(LAUGHING)
232
00:08:51,406 --> 00:08:53,955
I'm a bird? I'm a bird?
233
00:08:54,284 --> 00:08:56,207
I'm a... (SQUAWKING)
234
00:08:56,286 --> 00:08:57,913
Fly, Mr. Bird, fly!
235
00:08:58,246 --> 00:09:00,590
On, my God! (SQUAWKING)
236
00:09:00,957 --> 00:09:02,630
I'm flying! Look at me, Mr. Zookeeper!
237
00:09:03,126 --> 00:09:05,424
(SQUAWKING)
238
00:09:08,131 --> 00:09:09,383
Excuse me.
239
00:09:09,466 --> 00:09:11,560
Hey, somebody missing their grandma?
240
00:09:11,634 --> 00:09:12,635
Hey, lady, that's my desk.
241
00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:16,515
(WHEEZY BREATHING)
242
00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:19,142
Ah! (LAUGHING)
243
00:09:20,310 --> 00:09:21,687
I'm messing with you!
244
00:09:21,978 --> 00:09:23,480
(DISTORTED VOICE) It's a joke, you bitch!
245
00:09:24,272 --> 00:09:25,489
Whoa...
246
00:09:26,149 --> 00:09:27,150
You're old me.
247
00:09:27,317 --> 00:09:28,990
Yes! Hello!
248
00:09:29,110 --> 00:09:30,737
- Sick, dude! Wow.
- It's me.
249
00:09:30,820 --> 00:09:33,323
I'm... The hair looks... Sick.
250
00:09:33,615 --> 00:09:34,662
Oh, my God, thank you.
251
00:09:35,033 --> 00:09:36,660
It's like cobwebs. It's awesome.
252
00:09:36,743 --> 00:09:38,837
- Yeah. Chicks dig it.
- That is very cool.
253
00:09:38,912 --> 00:09:40,459
Hey, what's the deal with the chick thing?
254
00:09:40,538 --> 00:09:42,165
Are we getting laid a lot or...
255
00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:45,005
- Do we have a wife?
- Oh, hell no! Oh, no.
256
00:09:45,085 --> 00:09:46,883
Me and that ho-bag Jillian, we got a divorce
257
00:09:46,961 --> 00:09:49,180
when I caught her chorging Bill
in the parking lot.
258
00:09:49,631 --> 00:09:52,635
What? Wow... Ugh, man, I'm sorry about that.
259
00:09:53,009 --> 00:09:54,511
Best thing that ever happened to me!
260
00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:57,598
Now I go to the potluck/orgy every week.
261
00:09:57,680 --> 00:09:59,853
Lot of chicks. Some dudes, too.
262
00:10:00,016 --> 00:10:01,188
I don't care.
263
00:10:01,267 --> 00:10:02,814
We're so old, it doesn't matter.
264
00:10:02,894 --> 00:10:05,022
You know, play it where it lies.
265
00:10:05,188 --> 00:10:06,531
(STUTTERS) That's... That's gross!
266
00:10:06,689 --> 00:10:08,282
It's not gross. It's love.
267
00:10:08,399 --> 00:10:10,242
Why do you work here?
Why don't you just quit?
268
00:10:10,318 --> 00:10:12,116
Because it rules, dude.
What are you talking about?
269
00:10:12,195 --> 00:10:14,414
All I do all day is watch cartoons and...
270
00:10:14,489 --> 00:10:16,366
Well, smoke weed.
271
00:10:16,866 --> 00:10:17,833
Yeah!
272
00:10:17,909 --> 00:10:21,163
Actually, I don't have to hide it.
I smoke it right in daylight.
273
00:10:21,538 --> 00:10:23,540
Wait... You can do that?
274
00:10:23,790 --> 00:10:26,589
You kidding me? I can smoke it.
I grow it too.
275
00:10:33,007 --> 00:10:35,260
Yeah, fuck Karl. I don't need him.
276
00:10:35,343 --> 00:10:36,390
(EXHALES LOUDLY)
277
00:10:39,764 --> 00:10:41,311
(CHATTERING ON POLICE RADIO)
278
00:10:43,017 --> 00:10:44,815
(STAMMERING) You're... And I'm...
279
00:10:45,728 --> 00:10:48,197
Sergeant Adam DeMamp, RCPD.
280
00:10:48,565 --> 00:10:49,908
You're a dirty cop.
281
00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:54,280
Hey, uh, what do you say we get outta here,
go shake down some small business owners?
282
00:10:54,362 --> 00:10:55,363
Huh?
283
00:10:56,531 --> 00:10:57,874
You can use my gun.
284
00:10:58,908 --> 00:11:00,660
I would love to threaten someone.
285
00:11:00,743 --> 00:11:02,120
I know that about you.
286
00:11:04,038 --> 00:11:05,085
But I ain't no pig.
287
00:11:05,331 --> 00:11:06,332
No.
288
00:11:10,795 --> 00:11:13,218
I hope somebody ordered sausage!
289
00:11:13,298 --> 00:11:15,096
- (CHUCKLING)
- I know you, man.
290
00:11:15,175 --> 00:11:16,518
I know this path.
291
00:11:16,593 --> 00:11:18,266
I'm so glad I didn't become you.
292
00:11:18,386 --> 00:11:19,979
(CHUCKLES) Yeah, right.
293
00:11:22,056 --> 00:11:23,433
Oh, my God!
294
00:11:23,850 --> 00:11:24,942
Your dick is huge.
295
00:11:25,018 --> 00:11:27,271
If I would have delivered pizzas,
my dick would have been huge.
296
00:11:27,478 --> 00:11:31,654
What's up? My name's Adam
"The Human Jump Rope" DeMamp.
297
00:11:31,941 --> 00:11:34,035
I'm an adult film star.
298
00:11:34,611 --> 00:11:36,784
Peep this! (CHORTLING)
299
00:11:37,113 --> 00:11:38,114
Oh!
300
00:11:38,281 --> 00:11:40,079
Oh! It's still coming!
301
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:41,952
Oh, it's catching the cardboard.
302
00:11:43,119 --> 00:11:44,496
Mine's out on the first pull.
303
00:11:44,579 --> 00:11:46,877
I don't even need to pull. I actually...
I flick mine out.
304
00:11:48,249 --> 00:11:49,626
(CHORTLING)
305
00:11:50,585 --> 00:11:51,711
Whoo!
306
00:11:51,794 --> 00:11:54,343
Michael Keaton should be eatin' a bat,
307
00:11:54,422 --> 00:11:55,969
'cause I'm the real birdman!
308
00:11:56,049 --> 00:11:57,426
(TRILLING)
309
00:11:58,218 --> 00:11:59,310
You're a zoo bird!
310
00:11:59,385 --> 00:12:02,480
And it's time for you to
go back in your cage!
311
00:12:02,889 --> 00:12:05,733
What? No, but I feel so free up here!
312
00:12:05,975 --> 00:12:09,354
I'm the zookeeper,
and I said get back in your cage.
313
00:12:09,604 --> 00:12:11,402
But you said I could fly!
You said I could be free!
314
00:12:11,481 --> 00:12:12,778
(SQUAWKING)
315
00:12:12,899 --> 00:12:14,993
- You belong to the zoo!
- Oh!
316
00:12:16,694 --> 00:12:17,866
(SCREAMS)
317
00:12:18,446 --> 00:12:19,413
(JOSH LAUGHING)
318
00:12:19,489 --> 00:12:21,617
(DISTORTED VOICE) Freakin' bird brains!
319
00:12:22,909 --> 00:12:24,582
(TROMBONE PLAYING)
320
00:12:27,413 --> 00:12:29,290
And there's a dude right there, isn't there?
321
00:12:30,458 --> 00:12:33,337
Yeah, Trombone Adam, you are good!
322
00:12:33,878 --> 00:12:35,380
Do you know any Matchbox Twenty?
323
00:12:35,505 --> 00:12:37,178
That's not my bag.
324
00:12:37,674 --> 00:12:39,051
I dig jazz.
325
00:12:39,884 --> 00:12:41,306
You still play?
326
00:12:41,511 --> 00:12:43,889
I don't, actually. I stopped
in the eighth grade.
327
00:12:44,222 --> 00:12:46,941
I was gettin' pretty serious into
masturbating at the time, so...
328
00:12:47,141 --> 00:12:48,438
Understandable.
329
00:12:48,518 --> 00:12:51,613
I guess I only had time
for one bone in my life.
330
00:12:52,021 --> 00:12:55,400
How about you play my bone, baby?
(LAUGHING)
331
00:12:56,234 --> 00:12:59,704
Okay, yeah. I'll toot your bone. (LAUGHING)
332
00:13:00,238 --> 00:13:01,285
Come with me...
333
00:13:01,864 --> 00:13:02,956
(MUSIC PLAYING)
334
00:13:03,032 --> 00:13:04,875
To New Orleans.
335
00:13:05,952 --> 00:13:07,920
Play with me and the boys.
336
00:13:07,996 --> 00:13:12,718
I tell ya what. You make some serious bread!
337
00:13:13,293 --> 00:13:14,636
You guys make bread too?
338
00:13:14,961 --> 00:13:16,338
You a fucking idiot.
339
00:13:16,713 --> 00:13:18,511
- (BLOWING)
- Hey!
340
00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:21,635
Are you done?
341
00:13:22,010 --> 00:13:24,308
(LAUGHING) Yes. lam done, I...
342
00:13:24,387 --> 00:13:25,434
Oh, man.
343
00:13:28,766 --> 00:13:30,564
Ooh, baby!
344
00:13:31,227 --> 00:13:32,945
I can do whatever I want, man.
345
00:13:33,021 --> 00:13:35,149
I got dirt on everybody.
346
00:13:35,231 --> 00:13:37,734
Old, wrinkly, tight butthole is what you are.
347
00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:38,989
Here. Take a rip.
348
00:13:40,737 --> 00:13:41,738
Wow, man.
349
00:13:42,155 --> 00:13:43,657
I'm so proud of you.
350
00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:46,083
You got it all figured out, man!
351
00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:48,002
- I do.
- That's what I'm talking about!
352
00:13:48,077 --> 00:13:49,329
So, like...
353
00:13:49,829 --> 00:13:52,127
Like... Like what's the secret?
354
00:13:52,248 --> 00:13:56,503
Well, it all started when Joe Rogan
became President of the...
355
00:13:56,586 --> 00:13:57,587
(GAGGING)
356
00:13:58,296 --> 00:13:59,639
(SCREAMS)
357
00:14:00,298 --> 00:14:01,424
What are you... What are you doing?
358
00:14:01,758 --> 00:14:03,886
That thing was about to burn your face off.
359
00:14:04,260 --> 00:14:05,477
Oh...
360
00:14:08,014 --> 00:14:10,392
And if you ever let my wife chorg you,
361
00:14:10,475 --> 00:14:13,354
I'll have your head on a stick!
362
00:14:16,647 --> 00:14:18,024
Hey, what's chorg?
363
00:14:18,107 --> 00:14:19,108
Google it.
364
00:14:27,075 --> 00:14:28,452
(ANDERS SQUAWKING)
365
00:14:28,534 --> 00:14:30,127
- Let me out of this cage!
- ADAM: Anders!
366
00:14:30,203 --> 00:14:31,204
Anders, stop it!
367
00:14:32,538 --> 00:14:35,212
Hi. I was a bird.
368
00:14:35,291 --> 00:14:37,589
There was a zookeeper.
He shot me, and he put me in this cage.
369
00:14:37,668 --> 00:14:39,090
- ADAM: Just shut up right now!
- Wait a minute!
370
00:14:39,170 --> 00:14:41,639
(STAMMERING) Where's the kid?
Where's, uh, Jash?
371
00:14:41,714 --> 00:14:43,682
The kid, he went to his office.
372
00:14:43,758 --> 00:14:45,431
That door. Which is a closet.
373
00:14:45,927 --> 00:14:47,395
Hey, how is it going?
374
00:14:47,595 --> 00:14:48,812
Is everything okay with the kid?
375
00:14:49,597 --> 00:14:51,395
- (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Yeah. It's great.
- Yeah.
376
00:14:51,474 --> 00:14:53,192
This kid is so full of energy.
377
00:14:53,267 --> 00:14:56,111
- It's like, makes me feel young again.
- ANDERS: Yeah.
378
00:14:56,187 --> 00:14:58,315
- Oh, kids. Oh, man.
- (CHUCKLING)
379
00:14:58,398 --> 00:15:00,526
They are so much fun when they're that age.
380
00:15:00,608 --> 00:15:02,485
- Yeah.
- When they're...
381
00:15:03,361 --> 00:15:04,453
- Four?
- No.
382
00:15:04,529 --> 00:15:06,873
Yeah, he's eight. So where the hell is he?
383
00:15:07,156 --> 00:15:08,578
Uh, he's...
384
00:15:09,492 --> 00:15:10,539
- He's hiding.
- Yeah.
385
00:15:10,618 --> 00:15:11,585
- He's... Shh.
- ADAM: Mmm-hmm.
386
00:15:11,661 --> 00:15:14,414
We're playing hide and seek,
and he's in that closet, so everything's...
387
00:15:14,997 --> 00:15:19,594
That door goes out to the parking lot,
you lunatics! Go find him!
388
00:15:19,836 --> 00:15:21,008
- Is it time?
- Seek time!
389
00:15:21,087 --> 00:15:22,339
- It's seek time!
- We be seekin'!
390
00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:23,594
ADAM: It's seek time right now!
391
00:15:23,673 --> 00:15:24,765
Seekin' in the weekend.
392
00:15:24,841 --> 00:15:26,058
I got it, I got it.
393
00:15:28,845 --> 00:15:29,971
(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)
394
00:15:30,054 --> 00:15:31,055
ANDERS: Just grab it, man.
395
00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:35,731
It's too fast, Alice.
396
00:15:36,185 --> 00:15:38,904
DAVE: Alice, are we going
to your office?
397
00:15:39,188 --> 00:15:40,861
Uh, yep, I'll be right there, Dave.
398
00:15:42,608 --> 00:15:43,985
BLAKE: I got it! I got it!
399
00:15:44,068 --> 00:15:46,162
(LAUGHING) I got it, it's... The door, see?
400
00:15:46,237 --> 00:15:48,786
I have it, then we're gonna go
walk outside of it.
401
00:15:49,365 --> 00:15:51,788
(DISTORTED VOICE) Get him now!
402
00:15:53,744 --> 00:15:55,462
Gosh! Okay.
403
00:15:57,748 --> 00:15:58,874
Whoa!
404
00:16:02,044 --> 00:16:04,422
ANDERS: There he is.
BLAKE: Okay, uh, yeah.
405
00:16:04,505 --> 00:16:06,553
I guess we should try to
jump over to that island?
406
00:16:06,883 --> 00:16:08,851
ADAM: No way, it's too far.
We're not gonna make it.
407
00:16:08,926 --> 00:16:10,303
Let's just go back, okay?
408
00:16:10,386 --> 00:16:11,512
- Good call, man.
- Good call.
409
00:16:12,722 --> 00:16:15,817
Son of a back door's gone!
The back door's gone!
410
00:16:15,892 --> 00:16:17,769
- Yep.
- Oh, I'm having a bad trip.
411
00:16:18,144 --> 00:16:20,067
Guys, we can at least try
and make this jump, right?
412
00:16:20,146 --> 00:16:21,318
Yeah. Heck, yeah. We got this, dude.
413
00:16:21,397 --> 00:16:23,820
- Psych up. Psych up, bro, we got this!
- What?
414
00:16:23,900 --> 00:16:27,120
On three, on three! One, two, three!
I'm going!
415
00:16:27,195 --> 00:16:28,538
(SHOUTING)
416
00:16:29,405 --> 00:16:30,748
- (SCREAMING)
- Oh, my God.
417
00:16:30,823 --> 00:16:32,917
- The lava! The lava!
- My legs!
418
00:16:32,992 --> 00:16:34,915
Hey! Get off that!
419
00:16:35,036 --> 00:16:37,539
- Oh, shoot.
- Well, hey, we're tripping on peyote,
420
00:16:37,622 --> 00:16:38,999
- so what can you do, you know?
- Yeah.
421
00:16:39,290 --> 00:16:40,542
Get the fuck out of my cement.
422
00:16:40,917 --> 00:16:42,385
- You got it, you got it.
- Yep. Okay.
423
00:16:42,460 --> 00:16:43,928
Hey, hey, hey, over there. Come on.
424
00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:45,300
- Let's go, let's go!
- ADAM: There's the kid.
425
00:16:45,379 --> 00:16:46,756
ANDERS: Careful.
MAN: Hey!
426
00:16:49,091 --> 00:16:50,138
ANDERS: Ow!
427
00:16:50,384 --> 00:16:51,806
BLAKE: Josh!
428
00:16:52,845 --> 00:16:54,472
ANDERS: Come on! Josh?
BLAKE: Jash!
429
00:16:54,722 --> 00:16:56,724
- Jash?
- All right, son, playtime's over.
430
00:16:56,807 --> 00:16:58,400
Come on out, okay?
431
00:16:58,476 --> 00:17:00,570
- (SCREECHY VOICE) Come on! Come on!
- Jash?
432
00:17:00,937 --> 00:17:02,029
BLAKE: Hey, there he is!
433
00:17:04,065 --> 00:17:05,362
(JOSH GIGGLES)
434
00:17:05,441 --> 00:17:06,442
(VOICE ECHOING)
435
00:17:07,109 --> 00:17:09,362
- Okay, I'll go this way.
- I'm gonna get this one.
436
00:17:09,445 --> 00:17:10,446
BLAKE: Yeah. All right, I got him.
437
00:17:10,988 --> 00:17:12,456
(DISTORTED FALSETTO)
Hey, Adam, I'm over here.
438
00:17:13,574 --> 00:17:14,791
Got you, dude!
439
00:17:14,867 --> 00:17:16,744
- You stupid!
- (CHORTLING)
440
00:17:17,119 --> 00:17:20,339
Have you guys seen Jash?
He's like this little kid I'm looking for.
441
00:17:20,414 --> 00:17:22,337
He's like nine or twelve.
442
00:17:22,625 --> 00:17:25,549
Hey, how 'bout you quit chasing
around little kids, come with me?
443
00:17:26,003 --> 00:17:28,927
We'll eat some, uh, Chicago deep-dish pizza!
444
00:17:29,215 --> 00:17:32,719
- That sounds good.
- It's like God jizzed in your mouth.
445
00:17:32,802 --> 00:17:34,804
- What? You wanna be God, dude?
- I can't, I can't.
446
00:17:34,887 --> 00:17:37,640
Freakin' bone a bunch of chicks on camera
447
00:17:37,723 --> 00:17:41,227
and have a million dudes
beat off to you, bro!
448
00:17:41,310 --> 00:17:42,311
I don't think so!
449
00:17:42,395 --> 00:17:45,194
That does sound awesome. The first part.
The second part, I'm...
450
00:17:45,940 --> 00:17:47,066
The second part's cool.
451
00:17:47,149 --> 00:17:48,992
You wanna be worshipped, Adam?
452
00:17:49,485 --> 00:17:52,705
Come play jazz fest with me tonight.
453
00:17:52,989 --> 00:17:55,117
That sounds... That sounds cool, but I'm...
I am busy.
454
00:17:55,199 --> 00:17:56,200
I love crawfish, though.
455
00:17:56,450 --> 00:17:58,498
Josh? Josh, where are you?
456
00:17:58,703 --> 00:18:00,455
- Oh!
- Hey, hey.
457
00:18:00,538 --> 00:18:01,881
It's all good. Come here.
458
00:18:01,956 --> 00:18:03,754
Hey, what's up, old me?
459
00:18:04,917 --> 00:18:06,510
Have you seen that little dude run by?
460
00:18:06,586 --> 00:18:07,712
I'm getting kinda worried about him.
461
00:18:08,004 --> 00:18:11,099
Hey, Ders will handle it, man.
Quit being a bitch.
462
00:18:11,173 --> 00:18:13,221
Don't you wanna know
what it's all about, huh?
463
00:18:14,635 --> 00:18:15,682
Josh, where are you?
464
00:18:15,761 --> 00:18:16,762
(SQUAWKING)
465
00:18:16,846 --> 00:18:18,314
Hey, come fly with me.
466
00:18:18,389 --> 00:18:20,391
No, no, I can't. I gotta find Josh.
467
00:18:20,474 --> 00:18:22,021
No, forget that. Let's go fly, man.
468
00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:24,479
We'll go to the beach.
We'll, like, crap on people's heads
469
00:18:24,562 --> 00:18:26,360
and steal chicks' bikinis! (SQUAWKING)
470
00:18:26,856 --> 00:18:28,324
That actually sounds kind of awesome.
471
00:18:28,524 --> 00:18:29,946
It's very satisfying.
472
00:18:30,109 --> 00:18:32,407
Come on, I wanna tell you
what it's all about, man.
473
00:18:32,486 --> 00:18:34,204
Hell, yeah. Hell...
474
00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:35,827
No! No, no, no, no.
475
00:18:36,198 --> 00:18:37,290
- No, stop! Shut up!
- Come on!
476
00:18:37,366 --> 00:18:39,460
Don't be a bitch. Smoke a doobie with me.
477
00:18:39,535 --> 00:18:42,209
That sounds awesome, okay? But I can't!
478
00:18:42,288 --> 00:18:43,289
You little pussy!
479
00:18:43,372 --> 00:18:44,794
I already know what the meaning
of life is about.
480
00:18:44,874 --> 00:18:46,091
The meaning of life is...
481
00:18:46,208 --> 00:18:48,552
Why don't you go wash your pussy, pussy?
482
00:18:48,711 --> 00:18:52,636
Is finding that kid right now, 'cause, yeah,
I don't wanna prove Alice right again, man-.
483
00:18:52,715 --> 00:18:54,763
I'm not an irresponsible idiot, okay?
484
00:18:54,842 --> 00:18:58,267
What? Responsible? Okay!
Suck my balls, all right?
485
00:18:58,346 --> 00:18:59,973
- Come with me, bro!
- Come on, my brother.
486
00:19:00,056 --> 00:19:02,855
- Come on, dude.
- Don't make me!
487
00:19:03,309 --> 00:19:05,653
I may be an irresponsible idiot,
488
00:19:05,770 --> 00:19:07,738
and I'm definitely an idiot,
489
00:19:07,813 --> 00:19:09,235
but I'm not about to show that to Alice.
490
00:19:09,315 --> 00:19:11,238
I do... I disagree with that.
491
00:19:11,317 --> 00:19:13,115
Guys, I know what we have to do!
492
00:19:13,944 --> 00:19:15,196
We gotta break the mirrors.
493
00:19:15,905 --> 00:19:18,203
Dude, do not break the mirror.
494
00:19:18,699 --> 00:19:20,952
- Be prepared to be broken!
- ALL: No!
495
00:19:21,035 --> 00:19:22,036
Stop it!
496
00:19:22,119 --> 00:19:24,087
Don't, bro! I mean it, bro!
497
00:19:24,497 --> 00:19:25,840
Look what I found.
498
00:19:25,915 --> 00:19:28,759
- Don't make me come after you!
- No! But watch it, bro!
499
00:19:30,044 --> 00:19:31,341
- (SQUAWKING) Don't break me!
- ANDERS: Sorry, boys.
500
00:19:31,420 --> 00:19:32,763
You gotta fly solo on this one,
501
00:19:32,838 --> 00:19:34,681
- because...
- Don't break me! (SQUAWKING)
502
00:19:34,757 --> 00:19:35,804
Do not break me!
503
00:19:35,883 --> 00:19:37,430
You have no power over me. (ECHOING)
504
00:19:38,302 --> 00:19:39,599
- Don't!
- (YELLS)
505
00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:41,806
Hey, no!
506
00:19:41,889 --> 00:19:43,106
Oh, no, bro!
507
00:19:43,933 --> 00:19:45,185
TROMBONE ADAM: Oh, no, baby.
508
00:19:45,267 --> 00:19:46,268
(SCREAMING)
509
00:19:46,352 --> 00:19:47,854
(SHOUTING)
510
00:19:48,270 --> 00:19:49,613
(SCREAMING)
511
00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:52,487
Yes!
512
00:19:53,109 --> 00:19:54,736
I'm gonna need back-up!
513
00:19:55,152 --> 00:19:56,449
(INDISTINCT TALKING)
514
00:20:02,702 --> 00:20:04,830
- Get ready to be impressed.
- Whoo!
515
00:20:04,912 --> 00:20:06,459
'Cause you are gonna love...
516
00:20:06,539 --> 00:20:07,791
DAVE: Oh.
517
00:20:08,457 --> 00:20:09,629
BLAKE: Hey! Hola!
518
00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:11,294
What up?
519
00:20:11,419 --> 00:20:16,175
Uh, what the hell happened to all these
mirrors that I just sold to Mr. Gainey
520
00:20:16,257 --> 00:20:17,725
for a huge sale?
521
00:20:18,008 --> 00:20:19,385
DAVE: Oh, my God.
522
00:20:19,885 --> 00:20:21,228
Where's that little monster?
523
00:20:22,096 --> 00:20:23,143
Did he cause this?
524
00:20:24,056 --> 00:20:25,399
- Well, you know...
- Uh...
525
00:20:25,474 --> 00:20:27,021
We were playing hide and go seek,
526
00:20:27,101 --> 00:20:29,103
and, you know, Josh was running
around and, uh...
527
00:20:29,186 --> 00:20:31,780
- We were all running around...
- Everybody was running. It was seek time...
528
00:20:31,856 --> 00:20:33,028
I didn't do this.
529
00:20:33,107 --> 00:20:34,108
I'm not talking to you.
530
00:20:34,817 --> 00:20:36,490
Look at this! God!
531
00:20:36,861 --> 00:20:37,953
Alice...
532
00:20:38,571 --> 00:20:40,665
I'm really sorry about these mirrors, okay?
533
00:20:41,699 --> 00:20:42,825
I'm gonna pay for all of them.
534
00:20:43,117 --> 00:20:44,118
Oh...
535
00:20:45,161 --> 00:20:46,754
I'm sorry this had to happen.
536
00:20:46,829 --> 00:20:49,548
Yeah, well, not as sorry as he's gonna be.
537
00:20:49,623 --> 00:20:51,591
- This trip is dark, dude.
- (CHUCKLING)
538
00:20:51,667 --> 00:20:52,714
DAVE: Good for nothing!
539
00:20:53,502 --> 00:20:55,425
(NARRATOR READING)
540
00:20:55,838 --> 00:20:56,885
MAN: Hit bongs!
541
00:21:02,344 --> 00:21:04,346
Gotta really cook it, you know?
542
00:21:04,889 --> 00:21:07,517
Gotta make sure it's nice and crispy.
543
00:21:07,850 --> 00:21:09,443
Other than that,
544
00:21:09,894 --> 00:21:11,612
make sure the turkey's done.
545
00:21:11,687 --> 00:21:13,234
Know what I mean?
546
00:21:13,314 --> 00:21:16,534
Don't wanna serve Thanksgiving
dinner without the stuffing.
547
00:21:19,500 --> 00:21:27,500
Ripped By mstoll