1 00:00:02,068 --> 00:00:04,036 [♪♪♪] 2 00:00:04,204 --> 00:00:06,365 - Why did Frankie call us here? - I don't know. 3 00:00:06,539 --> 00:00:09,531 Some financial prospect that could put the school in the black. 4 00:00:09,709 --> 00:00:13,338 Which always confuses me because black means bad. 5 00:00:13,513 --> 00:00:15,413 When it's a cat or a banana... 6 00:00:15,582 --> 00:00:19,074 ...or a shirt that makes you think you've lost more weight than you have. 7 00:00:19,285 --> 00:00:22,516 - Nice save. Sorry about that, man. - Huh? 8 00:00:22,689 --> 00:00:24,884 What? Did someone use the word "black"... 9 00:00:25,058 --> 00:00:27,390 ...and now you want me to give you the all clear? 10 00:00:27,560 --> 00:00:31,052 Please tell me that won't be my role. I have a brain the size of Jupiter. 11 00:00:31,231 --> 00:00:33,256 - I'm nobody's fourth Ghostbuster. PELTON: No. 12 00:00:33,433 --> 00:00:35,697 I promise this group does not think that way. 13 00:00:35,869 --> 00:00:39,236 In fact, before you got here, they had two... 14 00:00:39,406 --> 00:00:40,430 No. 15 00:00:40,607 --> 00:00:44,043 They had to often step back and remind themselves... 16 00:00:44,210 --> 00:00:46,701 ...that they weren't one collective ray of light. 17 00:00:47,747 --> 00:00:49,408 Is this a cult? 18 00:00:49,582 --> 00:00:50,708 Are you gonna eat me? 19 00:00:50,884 --> 00:00:53,045 No. We're fine. I lived in New York. 20 00:00:53,219 --> 00:00:55,380 Speaking of which, midterms are over... 21 00:00:55,555 --> 00:00:58,456 ...and I was thinking we could have a party at our apartment. 22 00:00:58,625 --> 00:01:00,718 - Abed? Annie? - You can have a party. 23 00:01:00,894 --> 00:01:02,088 BRITTA: Yes! - You can't have a rager. 24 00:01:02,262 --> 00:01:04,423 We have a rule against more than eight guests. 25 00:01:04,597 --> 00:01:07,031 Eight guests? That's not "not a rager." 26 00:01:07,200 --> 00:01:08,462 That's not a party. 27 00:01:08,635 --> 00:01:10,193 - Nice grammar. BRITTA: Okay. 28 00:01:10,370 --> 00:01:14,101 You have a rule against parties, which I'm sure is a record for uptightness. 29 00:01:14,274 --> 00:01:15,434 So let's celebrate that. 30 00:01:15,608 --> 00:01:18,372 I'll bring the booze and more than eight guests. 31 00:01:18,545 --> 00:01:20,035 Britta, you just moved in. 32 00:01:20,213 --> 00:01:22,408 You don't even have a real bedroom. 33 00:01:22,582 --> 00:01:23,742 You're a coucher. 34 00:01:23,917 --> 00:01:27,250 She sleeps on the couch. She's a coucher. 35 00:01:27,420 --> 00:01:29,479 BRITTA: So I get nothing? - You get a couch. 36 00:01:29,656 --> 00:01:30,714 You get a home. 37 00:01:30,890 --> 00:01:33,825 - There's no government to overthrow. - I'm not overthrowing. 38 00:01:33,993 --> 00:01:36,484 - You're overthrowing if I say so. - Nice irony. 39 00:01:36,663 --> 00:01:39,791 Can we focus on this? Because now this is happening. 40 00:01:42,001 --> 00:01:43,992 FRANKIE: Hello, everyone. Don't be alarmed. 41 00:01:44,170 --> 00:01:48,664 I'm attending our meeting using what's called a telepresence robot. 42 00:01:48,875 --> 00:01:51,070 I resent the idea that this would alarm me. 43 00:01:51,244 --> 00:01:54,077 These bots have been revolutionizing the private sector... 44 00:01:54,247 --> 00:01:58,741 ...and now, the state of Colorado has come to us with a unique... 45 00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:05,000 Ripped By mstoll 46 00:02:05,925 --> 00:02:07,916 - Proposition. - Seamless, Frankie. 47 00:02:08,094 --> 00:02:10,528 The department of corrections will pay us money... 48 00:02:10,697 --> 00:02:13,427 ...if we allow a small, manageable number of inmates... 49 00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:16,330 ...to attend Greendale using these. 50 00:02:16,503 --> 00:02:19,199 Now, hold on, are you trying to tell me that prisoners... 51 00:02:19,405 --> 00:02:22,033 ...would use these things to come to our school? 52 00:02:22,208 --> 00:02:24,768 That's the black guy in every sci-fi movie. 53 00:02:24,978 --> 00:02:26,002 I'll allow it. 54 00:02:26,179 --> 00:02:28,977 Wait. Prisoners? Rolling around the school? 55 00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:31,208 - With students? - They'll rape us. 56 00:02:31,417 --> 00:02:32,509 They'll rape us all. 57 00:02:32,685 --> 00:02:34,152 They can't rape you... 58 00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:38,017 ...because their genitals will be hundreds of miles away. 59 00:02:38,191 --> 00:02:39,215 From each other? 60 00:02:40,026 --> 00:02:42,688 This is an attempt at rehabilitation. 61 00:02:42,862 --> 00:02:45,831 The prison is looking for ways to expose their inmates... 62 00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:48,365 ...to a real world academic environment. 63 00:02:48,535 --> 00:02:51,231 Okay, I've heard enough. I'm responsible for this school. 64 00:02:51,437 --> 00:02:54,304 I won't have hardened criminals exposing themselves to it. 65 00:02:54,474 --> 00:02:56,339 That's the response they're getting. 66 00:02:56,509 --> 00:03:01,572 Which is why the state is offering a $300,000 incentive. 67 00:03:01,748 --> 00:03:04,148 We'll do it. Dean, do it, $300,000 for the school. 68 00:03:04,317 --> 00:03:06,547 - They're convicts. JEFF: They're iPads on sticks. 69 00:03:06,719 --> 00:03:10,177 As someone that got paid to keep people out, let me tell you... 70 00:03:10,356 --> 00:03:12,153 CHANG [ON MONITOR]: Hey, guys. I'm moon walking. 71 00:03:12,325 --> 00:03:16,193 - Not every bad guy ends up in prison and not every prisoner is a bad guy. 72 00:03:16,362 --> 00:03:18,421 - Who's this guy? - Three hundred thousand. 73 00:03:18,598 --> 00:03:19,656 - Oh, yeah. PELTON: Jeffrey. 74 00:03:19,832 --> 00:03:22,699 You know ordinarily I'd do anything you say. 75 00:03:22,869 --> 00:03:24,564 - Do it. - Let's do it. 76 00:03:24,737 --> 00:03:25,897 I walked into that one. 77 00:03:26,072 --> 00:03:28,040 Gross. Who farted? 78 00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:29,607 Oh, wait, never mind. 79 00:03:29,842 --> 00:03:30,900 [THE 88'S "AT LEAST IT WAS HERE" PLAYING] 80 00:03:31,110 --> 00:03:33,442 ♪ Give me some rope Tie me to dream ♪ 81 00:03:33,613 --> 00:03:36,605 ♪ Give me the hope To run out of steam ♪ 82 00:03:36,783 --> 00:03:40,116 ♪ Somebody said It can be here ♪ 83 00:03:40,286 --> 00:03:44,052 ♪ We could be roped up, tied up Dead in a year ♪ 84 00:03:44,224 --> 00:03:48,718 ♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪ 85 00:03:49,596 --> 00:03:53,396 ♪ One by one They all just fade away ♪♪ 86 00:03:59,105 --> 00:04:00,800 [♪♪♪] 87 00:04:01,574 --> 00:04:03,303 PELTON: I'm so glad you talked me into this. 88 00:04:03,509 --> 00:04:05,443 Three hundred thousand dollars. 89 00:04:05,612 --> 00:04:08,638 Look at us, running the school together. 90 00:04:08,815 --> 00:04:11,283 If I'm running the school, pay me more. 91 00:04:11,451 --> 00:04:15,979 What if I made you professor emeritus? We could have a little ceremony... 92 00:04:16,155 --> 00:04:17,747 - Does it pay more? - No. 93 00:04:17,924 --> 00:04:20,722 Then give me what the ceremony would cost. 94 00:04:20,893 --> 00:04:22,884 Okay, folks, welcome. 95 00:04:23,062 --> 00:04:27,795 I believe you all have maps of our campus. This is your Dean. Dean? 96 00:04:27,967 --> 00:04:31,061 Now, if I see any race gangs forming... 97 00:04:31,237 --> 00:04:35,173 ...I will have no choice but to adjust the contrast on your screens... 98 00:04:35,341 --> 00:04:37,104 ...until you all look the same. 99 00:04:37,277 --> 00:04:40,804 And we have a very strict no-bullying policy... 100 00:04:40,980 --> 00:04:45,440 ...that relates directly to me, so be nice. To me. 101 00:04:45,618 --> 00:04:46,812 WILLY: No need to be nervous. 102 00:04:46,986 --> 00:04:49,477 We're all here because we done some bad stuff. 103 00:04:49,656 --> 00:04:54,150 - But we ain't here to do any more. - Aw. That's very folksy, thank you. 104 00:04:54,327 --> 00:04:59,697 So I guess just roll forth and rehabilitate. 105 00:05:02,769 --> 00:05:04,361 [MAN 1 CHUCKLING] 106 00:05:04,570 --> 00:05:06,765 MAN 2: They can see us and we can see them. 107 00:05:08,474 --> 00:05:10,101 [LAUGHING] 108 00:05:11,144 --> 00:05:13,578 [ALL LAUGHING] 109 00:05:14,380 --> 00:05:15,540 All right, knock it off. 110 00:05:15,715 --> 00:05:18,650 No one at this school should pick on any class of people. 111 00:05:18,818 --> 00:05:21,651 It's like watching magicians bully jugglers. 112 00:05:21,821 --> 00:05:23,686 - What's your name? - Willy. 113 00:05:23,856 --> 00:05:24,982 JEFF: Willy. Take a seat. 114 00:05:28,528 --> 00:05:31,156 I'm Mr. Jeff Winger. I teach Fundamentals of Law. 115 00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:33,993 Does that mean you can teach me how to get out? 116 00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:35,896 STUDENTS: Ha, ha, ha. - Probably not. I was a phony lawyer. 117 00:05:36,102 --> 00:05:38,536 I got caught and now I teach a pretty phony class. 118 00:05:38,705 --> 00:05:42,038 It's an automatic A, but you might learn a thing or two. 119 00:05:42,208 --> 00:05:45,200 And I mean literally a thing or two. Cool? 120 00:05:45,378 --> 00:05:48,176 - And they call me the criminal. STUDENTS: Heh, heh, heh. 121 00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:54,082 Trust me, I know the main difference between us is an orange jumpsuit. 122 00:05:54,253 --> 00:05:56,915 - But you have an iPad. STUDENTS: Ha, ha, ha. 123 00:05:57,123 --> 00:05:59,648 Yeah, and I'm a murderer. 124 00:06:03,429 --> 00:06:06,159 Now, now, don't worry. I ain't proud of it. 125 00:06:06,699 --> 00:06:09,896 I just don't hide it. You know, once you take another man's life... 126 00:06:10,069 --> 00:06:11,434 ...you carry it with you. 127 00:06:13,639 --> 00:06:16,073 You carrying any murders, Mr. Winger? 128 00:06:19,212 --> 00:06:21,180 I am not. 129 00:06:21,347 --> 00:06:24,248 I hear you have to have strong feelings for someone you kill. 130 00:06:24,417 --> 00:06:25,941 I reserve that stuff for myself. 131 00:06:26,185 --> 00:06:28,710 [STUDENTS LAUGHING] 132 00:06:29,455 --> 00:06:30,888 All right. 133 00:06:31,057 --> 00:06:32,422 That's enough law. 134 00:06:32,592 --> 00:06:34,617 Who wants to watch Planet Earth? 135 00:06:34,794 --> 00:06:36,625 Oh, look. 136 00:06:36,796 --> 00:06:39,356 Ice worlds. 137 00:06:39,532 --> 00:06:42,057 Oh, the majesty. 138 00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:45,363 Rhinos and elephants and flamingos. 139 00:06:47,273 --> 00:06:49,639 Hey, Abed. 140 00:06:49,809 --> 00:06:52,539 Haven't you been in our apartment longer than Annie? 141 00:06:52,712 --> 00:06:54,737 Yeah. I remember when she first moved in. 142 00:06:54,914 --> 00:06:58,441 I was so worried about pacing I was constantly laying groundwork for gags. 143 00:06:58,618 --> 00:06:59,642 Hey, Annie. 144 00:06:59,819 --> 00:07:03,050 I'd like to make this moment worth popping back to from the future. 145 00:07:03,222 --> 00:07:04,655 I don't know what that means. 146 00:07:04,824 --> 00:07:05,916 [HORN TOOTING] 147 00:07:06,092 --> 00:07:07,787 There. Don't worry, it'll pay off. 148 00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:09,086 Hey, Troy. 149 00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:11,594 Glad I kicked that habit. It was getting joyless. 150 00:07:11,764 --> 00:07:13,595 What I'm saying is, by Annie's logic... 151 00:07:13,766 --> 00:07:16,599 You're saying I could overrule Annie, let you have a party. 152 00:07:16,769 --> 00:07:18,566 I don't get anything out of parties. 153 00:07:18,738 --> 00:07:22,606 They're conventions for every subject too boring to have their own convention. 154 00:07:22,775 --> 00:07:26,643 The police showed up when you made Leonard take off his clothes. 155 00:07:26,813 --> 00:07:31,011 That was for my movie Reverse Godzilla. I thought it might make a good popback. 156 00:07:33,152 --> 00:07:35,620 I make movies, Annie makes rules, you make parties. 157 00:07:35,788 --> 00:07:39,781 Her rules cancel out your parties, but I'm not involved. I just make movies. 158 00:07:39,992 --> 00:07:42,756 [♪♪♪] 159 00:07:44,664 --> 00:07:47,155 [WHISTLING] 160 00:07:52,438 --> 00:07:54,736 [WILLY CONTINUES WHISTLING] 161 00:07:58,678 --> 00:07:59,872 Evening, Mr. Winger. 162 00:08:02,114 --> 00:08:04,207 Willy. You're here late. 163 00:08:04,383 --> 00:08:08,183 Taking some night classes. Trying to take full advantage, you know? 164 00:08:09,021 --> 00:08:11,956 Is this your car? It's nice. 165 00:08:12,124 --> 00:08:14,615 Looks like you're taking full advantage too. 166 00:08:14,794 --> 00:08:16,318 Yeah. It's a real dream gig. 167 00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:17,622 Sarcasm. 168 00:08:18,130 --> 00:08:20,826 Slick words. Cock of the walk. 169 00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:23,059 What are categories in Prison Jeopardy? 170 00:08:23,302 --> 00:08:24,530 [LAUGHING] 171 00:08:24,704 --> 00:08:27,002 Hey, you mind helping me out with something? 172 00:08:27,173 --> 00:08:29,664 I lost a ball-bearing and it rolled down them stairs. 173 00:08:29,842 --> 00:08:33,243 - "Lost a ball bearing"? - Mm-hm. Down them stairs. 174 00:08:33,412 --> 00:08:36,472 You want me to look down these stairs. Okay. 175 00:08:46,192 --> 00:08:47,716 Did you just try to murder me? 176 00:08:52,398 --> 00:08:54,093 Are you trying to murder me? 177 00:08:56,068 --> 00:08:59,504 You're trying as hard as you can right now to kill me. 178 00:09:04,043 --> 00:09:08,412 Okay, well, uh, I guess I'll see you in class tomorrow... 179 00:09:09,849 --> 00:09:11,942 ...guy who tried to murder me. 180 00:09:12,118 --> 00:09:15,349 Oh, I'll see you in class tomorrow, Mr. Winger. 181 00:09:16,389 --> 00:09:18,050 I will see you... 182 00:09:20,459 --> 00:09:22,051 Yeah, I'll see you... 183 00:09:22,361 --> 00:09:23,555 [GROANS] 184 00:09:25,932 --> 00:09:29,800 Oh, I'll see you tomorrow, Mr. Winger. 185 00:09:29,969 --> 00:09:33,336 [WILLY WHISTLING] 186 00:09:36,442 --> 00:09:38,535 Um... 187 00:09:39,412 --> 00:09:42,779 So we are having a party? 188 00:09:42,949 --> 00:09:44,712 Annie, you know me better than that. 189 00:09:44,884 --> 00:09:46,112 This is all set dressing. 190 00:09:46,285 --> 00:09:49,277 I'm helping Abed produce his next film. 191 00:09:50,623 --> 00:09:55,253 "Britta's Party, Based On a True Story of Fun and No Rules. " 192 00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:56,918 "Fade in before a party. 193 00:09:57,096 --> 00:10:00,497 People start coming over. Way more than eight. 194 00:10:00,666 --> 00:10:01,758 It becomes a rager. 195 00:10:01,934 --> 00:10:04,926 Everyone has a great time and parties like there's no tomorrow. 196 00:10:05,104 --> 00:10:07,595 Then they leave. Sophia cleans up. The end." 197 00:10:07,773 --> 00:10:10,333 We're very interested in you for the role of Sophia. 198 00:10:10,509 --> 00:10:11,908 I see the stakes of Can't Hardly Wait... 199 00:10:12,078 --> 00:10:13,409 ...the subversive raunch of Risky Business... 200 00:10:13,579 --> 00:10:15,979 ...and the mumbly pointlessness of everything after 2003. 201 00:10:16,148 --> 00:10:17,308 - But real. - Totally real. 202 00:10:17,483 --> 00:10:19,974 The first movie to capture the heart of a real party: 203 00:10:20,152 --> 00:10:23,315 The sensation that there's no tomorrow. The transcendence of time. 204 00:10:23,489 --> 00:10:25,354 Bravo, Britta. Very clever. 205 00:10:25,524 --> 00:10:29,187 Me? Don't look at me. I could never green light a project this big. 206 00:10:29,395 --> 00:10:31,693 I moved in third. I am a coucher. 207 00:10:31,897 --> 00:10:33,990 ABED: She's a coucher. - I sleep... 208 00:10:34,166 --> 00:10:35,599 ...on a couch! ABED: On a couch! 209 00:10:35,768 --> 00:10:37,599 She's a coucher! Look out! Look out! 210 00:10:37,770 --> 00:10:40,034 Who is it? It's a coucher! Oh, boy. 211 00:10:40,206 --> 00:10:41,673 Okay. 212 00:10:41,907 --> 00:10:44,205 - Good night. - Good night. 213 00:10:46,779 --> 00:10:47,837 ANNIE: Aw. 214 00:10:48,614 --> 00:10:52,311 Before this is over, you'll beg for my forgiveness. 215 00:10:52,518 --> 00:10:55,419 [♪♪♪] 216 00:11:02,995 --> 00:11:04,053 [KNOCKING] 217 00:11:04,230 --> 00:11:06,858 So we have an ultimately low stakes... 218 00:11:07,033 --> 00:11:10,002 ...but nonetheless creepy problem with one of our Wi-Felons. 219 00:11:10,169 --> 00:11:11,830 - You mean Willy. - Yes. 220 00:11:12,004 --> 00:11:14,666 What else did he do? Steal the driver's ed simulator? 221 00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:18,833 - Did he start an illegal game of solitaire? - Jeffrey, he's in the room. 222 00:11:19,011 --> 00:11:20,342 Hey, Mr. Winger. 223 00:11:20,513 --> 00:11:23,880 - Why is he on your laptop? - He came to me for a chat this morning. 224 00:11:24,050 --> 00:11:27,986 He's here for an education, Jeffrey, and he reports to the prison. 225 00:11:28,154 --> 00:11:31,715 Could you do a little more in your class than show Planet Earth? 226 00:11:32,324 --> 00:11:34,189 You're telling on me? 227 00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:38,558 - He tried to murder me last night. - What? Now, hold on. 228 00:11:38,731 --> 00:11:41,700 Now, where I'm from, you accuse somebody of something... 229 00:11:41,867 --> 00:11:44,495 ...you better have evidence or he better be a minority. 230 00:11:44,670 --> 00:11:47,161 - He tried to push me down stairs. - That's ridiculous. 231 00:11:47,339 --> 00:11:50,672 It was ridiculous. This is not someone who should be with students. 232 00:11:50,843 --> 00:11:53,073 And you're seriously taking his word over mine? 233 00:11:53,245 --> 00:11:55,042 Have you ever killed anyone, Jeffrey? 234 00:11:55,214 --> 00:11:59,878 Why would an actual murderer wanna kill a community college teacher? 235 00:12:00,052 --> 00:12:01,883 Now I'm not worth murdering? 236 00:12:02,054 --> 00:12:04,420 - Why would I lie? - Isn't that your specialty? 237 00:12:04,590 --> 00:12:08,526 You're a raconteur. You charm people with your slick and fancy words. 238 00:12:08,694 --> 00:12:11,686 Willy, Willy just charms them. 239 00:12:12,631 --> 00:12:13,893 Oh, my God. 240 00:12:14,066 --> 00:12:16,762 Ha, ha. I should leave you two alone. I've got classes. 241 00:12:16,936 --> 00:12:18,597 Some of us came here to work. 242 00:12:18,771 --> 00:12:20,602 PELTON: Jealousy isn't a crime, Jeffrey. 243 00:12:20,773 --> 00:12:24,265 But costing the school $300,000 will be. 244 00:12:24,443 --> 00:12:25,740 So be a good teacher. 245 00:12:25,911 --> 00:12:28,505 Especially when Willy's watching. 246 00:12:28,714 --> 00:12:30,739 [♪♪♪] 247 00:12:33,119 --> 00:12:37,112 - Which is why they call it "yard juice." STUDENTS: Hm. 248 00:12:37,289 --> 00:12:39,587 - Next question? - Do you get to pick your number? 249 00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:42,250 Does anyone get their head stuck between the bars? 250 00:12:42,428 --> 00:12:43,918 WILLY: We call it getting metal ears. 251 00:12:44,096 --> 00:12:47,896 Oh, hi, Mr. Winger. Thought we'd sneak in a little learning before the movie. 252 00:12:48,067 --> 00:12:49,500 Well, there's no movie today. 253 00:12:49,668 --> 00:12:53,627 - So everyone roll to your seat areas. - Yes, sir. 254 00:12:53,806 --> 00:12:57,105 JEFF: So, law. 255 00:12:57,276 --> 00:12:59,972 Law is, simply put, an agreement we all make... 256 00:13:00,146 --> 00:13:03,445 ...to do our best to stay out of each other's way. 257 00:13:03,616 --> 00:13:06,141 Is there a more technical definition, Mr. Winger? 258 00:13:06,318 --> 00:13:07,910 [IN SOUTHERN ACCENT] Well, I wouldn't know, Willy. 259 00:13:08,087 --> 00:13:11,454 I don't cotton much to fancy words and book study. 260 00:13:11,624 --> 00:13:15,492 - It's not how I got to where I am. - How did you get to be where you are? 261 00:13:15,661 --> 00:13:16,685 Where were you born? 262 00:13:16,862 --> 00:13:21,697 JEFF [IN NORMAL VOICE]: Mr. Winger was born in dirt, Willy. 263 00:13:21,867 --> 00:13:23,357 Same as you, I'm sure. 264 00:13:23,569 --> 00:13:27,266 And I had my face held down in that dirt by the kings of dirt. 265 00:13:27,439 --> 00:13:31,034 And now they're still there, ruling over dirt... 266 00:13:31,210 --> 00:13:34,702 ...and I got out. 267 00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:37,371 By talking. By lying. 268 00:13:37,583 --> 00:13:42,680 Well, in case you haven't noticed, it seems to beat being a bully. 269 00:13:46,458 --> 00:13:47,686 Garrett? 270 00:13:47,860 --> 00:13:50,727 Mr. Winger, when did you stop being funny? 271 00:13:50,896 --> 00:13:52,295 [STUDENTS LAUGHING] 272 00:13:52,464 --> 00:13:56,525 I mean, am I wrong, or does he seem really intense here? 273 00:13:56,702 --> 00:13:59,569 You're born in the dirt, you'll die in the dirt. 274 00:13:59,738 --> 00:14:01,729 Who are the kings of the dirt? 275 00:14:01,907 --> 00:14:03,169 [STUDENTS LAUGHING] 276 00:14:04,510 --> 00:14:08,469 Everyone's so charmed by him because he's a violent criminal. 277 00:14:08,647 --> 00:14:10,342 But he's also a petty sociopath... 278 00:14:10,516 --> 00:14:13,383 ...and the more I try to point that out, the pettier I look. 279 00:14:13,552 --> 00:14:15,918 Weren't you the one who championed this program? 280 00:14:16,121 --> 00:14:19,318 Shouldn't have worn that petard if you didn't want to be hoisted. 281 00:14:19,491 --> 00:14:21,152 What do you think the expression... 282 00:14:21,327 --> 00:14:23,557 ... "hoisted by your own petard" is referencing? 283 00:14:23,729 --> 00:14:27,563 I guess I assumed that in the old days, a petard was a special outfit... 284 00:14:27,733 --> 00:14:30,930 ...like a leotard, with a lot of fancy buckles and loops on it... 285 00:14:31,136 --> 00:14:34,936 ...and that rich people would wear them when they were feeling especially smug. 286 00:14:35,140 --> 00:14:38,166 But then poor people could tie a rope to one of the loops... 287 00:14:38,344 --> 00:14:41,245 ...and hoist them up a pole and then let them dangle there... 288 00:14:41,413 --> 00:14:43,210 ...as punishment for being cocky. 289 00:14:43,382 --> 00:14:45,782 Never look it up. Your explanation is way better. 290 00:14:45,951 --> 00:14:49,717 But also the next time a friend comes by with their problems... 291 00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:52,722 ...maybe lay off the I-told-you-so's. 292 00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:54,757 Jeff, we're having a Britta party here. 293 00:14:54,927 --> 00:14:58,363 Could you be a little bit less of a buzzkill? 294 00:15:00,299 --> 00:15:03,427 That was great. Now, party like there's no tomorrow. 295 00:15:03,602 --> 00:15:06,469 - What? - There's no tomorrow. Party like it. 296 00:15:11,777 --> 00:15:13,472 Huh. Uh... 297 00:15:16,949 --> 00:15:20,817 Okay. Why don't you just do some business in the background for now? 298 00:15:22,187 --> 00:15:23,415 Hi, everybody. 299 00:15:23,589 --> 00:15:26,581 No, don't worry. We're not here to bust up your party. 300 00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:28,750 I know most of you are, like, 30. 301 00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:32,091 We're here because Frankie Dart has exciting news. 302 00:15:32,264 --> 00:15:37,668 You have all been very cooperative with this inmate education program. 303 00:15:37,836 --> 00:15:40,896 The department of corrections is very, very happy. 304 00:15:41,073 --> 00:15:43,837 Which means Greendale is gonna be rich. 305 00:15:44,443 --> 00:15:45,569 ALL: Whoo! 306 00:15:45,744 --> 00:15:48,736 So don't tell anybody, but we smuggled in a few guests... 307 00:15:48,914 --> 00:15:50,905 ...to the party to celebrate with us. 308 00:15:51,083 --> 00:15:53,745 - Did someone order a prison break? ALL: Whoo! 309 00:15:55,254 --> 00:15:57,518 PELTON: Plenty of convicts to go around. 310 00:15:57,756 --> 00:16:01,783 [ALL CHATTERING] 311 00:16:02,594 --> 00:16:04,994 PELTON: Take them to the dance floor. 312 00:16:05,230 --> 00:16:07,528 [INDISTINCT DIALOGUE AND LAUGHING] 313 00:16:07,733 --> 00:16:10,668 PELTON: Pass them around. That's Willy. Pass him. 314 00:16:10,836 --> 00:16:12,701 WILLY: Yeah! Ha, ha. 315 00:16:12,871 --> 00:16:16,739 PELTON: Over here. Pass Willy. Pass me Willy. Ha, ha, ha. 316 00:16:17,476 --> 00:16:20,138 Oh! Whoo! PELTON: Here you go, Willy. 317 00:16:20,346 --> 00:16:22,746 [ABED SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY] 318 00:16:23,015 --> 00:16:26,212 Keep doing that. Keep doing that. 319 00:16:26,385 --> 00:16:27,477 WILLY: Whoo-hoo! 320 00:16:27,686 --> 00:16:30,348 [ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS] 321 00:16:39,798 --> 00:16:43,199 ♪ I love it, I love it, yeah Oh, oh, oh ♪♪ 322 00:16:43,369 --> 00:16:46,202 - Try dancing harder. MAN: Ah-ah-ooh-ah. 323 00:16:46,372 --> 00:16:50,672 Is that as hard as you can dance? You're at a party. You're celebrating. 324 00:16:50,843 --> 00:16:54,142 BRITTA: Abed. It's 6 in the morning. - Okay, thanks. 325 00:16:55,647 --> 00:16:57,512 Do you think you've gotten enough shots? 326 00:16:57,683 --> 00:17:00,151 Nobody's partied like there's no tomorrow yet. 327 00:17:00,319 --> 00:17:02,048 That's okay. 328 00:17:04,289 --> 00:17:05,813 Are you joking? 329 00:17:05,991 --> 00:17:08,721 This is the reason I signed on. It's a performance issue. 330 00:17:08,894 --> 00:17:10,384 This needed some real actors. 331 00:17:11,063 --> 00:17:13,293 - Well, lesson learned. - Yeah. 332 00:17:14,433 --> 00:17:16,867 Okay, from the top and action. 333 00:17:17,036 --> 00:17:18,867 What? 334 00:17:19,038 --> 00:17:20,596 Who are these people? 335 00:17:20,806 --> 00:17:24,742 Go, go, go. Good, Dean. Good, Frankie. 336 00:17:24,910 --> 00:17:28,437 Party. Party. No tomorrow, guys. Come on. 337 00:17:32,351 --> 00:17:33,943 WILLY: Hey, Mr. Winger. 338 00:17:34,119 --> 00:17:37,714 You know, I was thinking for class today maybe you could... 339 00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:38,948 Hey, what's going on? 340 00:17:39,124 --> 00:17:41,592 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, careful now, put me down. 341 00:17:44,430 --> 00:17:46,864 Well, Willy, look at me. 342 00:17:47,032 --> 00:17:48,465 I'm a murderer. 343 00:17:48,634 --> 00:17:52,229 Can I be as cool as you now? Huh?! 344 00:17:52,404 --> 00:17:54,099 Willy? 345 00:17:54,273 --> 00:17:56,537 No, no, no! 346 00:17:56,708 --> 00:17:58,539 Willy, talk to me. 347 00:17:58,710 --> 00:18:00,143 Talk to me. 348 00:18:00,345 --> 00:18:03,109 - I can't see anything. - Willy. 349 00:18:03,282 --> 00:18:04,874 Focus on my voice. 350 00:18:05,050 --> 00:18:07,712 - I'm losing you. - You're not losing me. 351 00:18:07,886 --> 00:18:11,549 You are going to a better place with a stronger signal. 352 00:18:12,858 --> 00:18:14,291 Willy? 353 00:18:14,460 --> 00:18:15,484 Willy. 354 00:18:16,061 --> 00:18:17,790 Willy! 355 00:18:17,963 --> 00:18:19,954 GUARD: What's going on here? - He started it. 356 00:18:20,999 --> 00:18:22,296 Jeffrey. 357 00:18:22,468 --> 00:18:23,662 You are on sabbatical. 358 00:18:23,869 --> 00:18:25,564 - You can't do that. - Yes, I can. 359 00:18:25,737 --> 00:18:27,637 Two weeks paid sabbatical. 360 00:18:27,806 --> 00:18:29,000 Get him out of here. 361 00:18:29,174 --> 00:18:30,801 He's banned from the campus. 362 00:18:30,976 --> 00:18:32,841 You are on sabbatical! 363 00:18:33,011 --> 00:18:36,640 GUARD: You're on sabbatical, sir. - Yeah, I'll go on my own. With dignity. 364 00:18:36,815 --> 00:18:40,148 - Something you should look up. - I can't look it up! 365 00:18:40,319 --> 00:18:42,184 You destroyed my device. 366 00:18:42,387 --> 00:18:43,411 And my heart. 367 00:18:43,589 --> 00:18:45,648 You destroyed his device and his heart, sir. 368 00:18:45,824 --> 00:18:47,416 Yeah. I'm going. 369 00:18:48,260 --> 00:18:49,625 Willy! 370 00:18:50,462 --> 00:18:52,521 Willy! 371 00:18:56,335 --> 00:18:58,098 [ELROY SIGHS] 372 00:18:58,337 --> 00:19:01,534 Sorry I'm late. I couldn't find a parking spot for my house. 373 00:19:01,707 --> 00:19:04,335 It must be so cool living in a vehicle. 374 00:19:04,510 --> 00:19:07,707 - Wait, where's your poop go? - A tank. 375 00:19:07,913 --> 00:19:09,881 Gross. Get a house. 376 00:19:10,048 --> 00:19:13,211 - Ben, aren't you homeless? - Yeah, but I poop in a house. 377 00:19:13,418 --> 00:19:16,012 - Whose? - Nice try. 378 00:19:18,991 --> 00:19:21,482 - Annie. - Britta. 379 00:19:22,161 --> 00:19:25,528 - How's your movie coming? - Amazing. Abed's a genius. 380 00:19:25,697 --> 00:19:27,665 Having a hard time deciding what to cut. 381 00:19:27,833 --> 00:19:31,633 It's going to be in two volumes and it's hard to sleep but it's worth it... 382 00:19:31,803 --> 00:19:36,831 ...because it's a movie about a party. 383 00:19:37,976 --> 00:19:40,706 - Would you like my help? - Yes. 384 00:19:40,879 --> 00:19:42,312 Have you learned anything? 385 00:19:42,481 --> 00:19:45,973 Don't question rules. Rules are good. I'm bad. All hail Annie. 386 00:19:46,151 --> 00:19:48,551 - Thank you. - Damn. 387 00:19:49,521 --> 00:19:52,319 How nice of you to show up. We moved here for you. 388 00:19:52,491 --> 00:19:55,255 I didn't ask for this. Have your meeting at school without me. 389 00:19:55,460 --> 00:19:57,724 Dean's using the study room for the ceremony. 390 00:19:57,896 --> 00:19:59,693 - What the... Ceremony? CHANG: You don't know? 391 00:19:59,865 --> 00:20:02,231 The dean is making that convict into a professor. 392 00:20:02,401 --> 00:20:04,028 - What? - Why do you care? 393 00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:07,730 Because the dean is doing this to prove something and it's really stupid. 394 00:20:07,906 --> 00:20:10,067 The guy's dangerous and he's manipulating him. 395 00:20:10,242 --> 00:20:12,403 Isn't that what you usually do? 396 00:20:12,578 --> 00:20:14,876 No. I mean, yes, but not like that. 397 00:20:15,047 --> 00:20:17,015 I lie to the dean for personal gain. 398 00:20:17,182 --> 00:20:22,347 Wouldn't use him emotionally, I wouldn't mislead him, I wouldn't hurt him. 399 00:20:22,521 --> 00:20:26,423 Have you ever thought of saying that to the dean? 400 00:20:28,193 --> 00:20:30,684 Jeff, go to him. 401 00:20:30,862 --> 00:20:32,693 Going to him. 402 00:20:33,565 --> 00:20:34,964 Wait. That's the whole point. 403 00:20:35,133 --> 00:20:37,226 I can't go to him. I can't get on campus. 404 00:20:37,869 --> 00:20:39,393 And yet murderers can. 405 00:20:39,571 --> 00:20:43,063 - What have I done? - Murderers can get on campus. 406 00:20:44,509 --> 00:20:46,534 I'll need a broom, a remote control car... 407 00:20:46,712 --> 00:20:50,204 ...an iPad and an elaborate, gyroscopically-stabilized servomotor. 408 00:20:50,382 --> 00:20:52,145 Dude. We're trying to help Jeff here. 409 00:20:52,317 --> 00:20:54,877 You're acting kind of spoiled right now. 410 00:20:55,053 --> 00:21:01,788 ABED: Party, party, party. 411 00:21:01,960 --> 00:21:04,019 Cut! 412 00:21:04,463 --> 00:21:06,454 Abed. 413 00:21:06,632 --> 00:21:08,623 Britta has something to say. 414 00:21:09,101 --> 00:21:10,159 [BRITTA CLEARS THROAT] 415 00:21:12,971 --> 00:21:15,166 My script is misleading. 416 00:21:15,340 --> 00:21:17,968 It's impossible to party like there's no tomorrow. 417 00:21:22,247 --> 00:21:25,648 - But it's based on a true... - It's based on my desire to have a party. 418 00:21:26,151 --> 00:21:28,813 Parties are just booze, low lights and loud music... 419 00:21:28,987 --> 00:21:30,955 ...so people can feel more, see less... 420 00:21:31,123 --> 00:21:34,092 ...and not have to listen to each other or themselves. 421 00:21:35,494 --> 00:21:38,054 That's stupid. Parties are stupid. 422 00:21:39,498 --> 00:21:43,559 I'm stupid. You're shooting a stupid movie. 423 00:21:45,604 --> 00:21:48,164 - That's a wrap. MAN: Ugh. 424 00:21:49,174 --> 00:21:50,334 Go on. We're done here. 425 00:21:53,979 --> 00:21:55,571 Bye. 426 00:22:02,187 --> 00:22:04,655 What's gonna happen to me? 427 00:22:07,592 --> 00:22:12,029 You're going to be punished in ways you won't understand... 428 00:22:12,197 --> 00:22:15,963 ...for longer than you'll think is rational or possible. 429 00:22:16,134 --> 00:22:21,003 But then one day, you'll do something he likes and he'll stop. 430 00:22:21,173 --> 00:22:25,007 And eventually you'll either adapt or lose your mind. 431 00:22:25,177 --> 00:22:26,474 Okay. 432 00:22:27,379 --> 00:22:28,573 [SNAPPING] 433 00:22:28,747 --> 00:22:30,408 Girls? 434 00:22:30,615 --> 00:22:32,480 Girls. 435 00:22:32,651 --> 00:22:34,983 [♪♪♪] 436 00:22:35,153 --> 00:22:37,144 As a prison warden, I know all too well... 437 00:22:37,322 --> 00:22:40,348 ...how rare stories of true rehabilitation can be. 438 00:22:40,525 --> 00:22:43,426 But this dean and this prisoner stand here together today... 439 00:22:43,628 --> 00:22:45,357 ...to prove that the dream is real. 440 00:22:47,132 --> 00:22:49,327 - I'm here for the ceremony. - Last name? 441 00:22:49,501 --> 00:22:51,935 Geller. Prisoner ID: 042098. 442 00:22:54,005 --> 00:22:55,996 Okay, go on. 443 00:22:57,743 --> 00:23:01,736 - Hi. I'm here for the ceremony. - Have a nice night, sir. 444 00:23:05,917 --> 00:23:08,385 Dean Craig Pelton, do you accept responsibility... 445 00:23:08,553 --> 00:23:10,919 ...for any damage incurred by hiring a felon? 446 00:23:11,957 --> 00:23:13,185 I do. 447 00:23:13,358 --> 00:23:16,452 Willy Sebret Smith, do you accept that the 13th Amendment... 448 00:23:16,661 --> 00:23:18,959 ...abolished slavery for everyone but convicts... 449 00:23:19,164 --> 00:23:22,565 ...and that we have no choice but to pay you 13 cents per hour or less? 450 00:23:22,734 --> 00:23:24,565 - I do. PELTON: Aw. 451 00:23:24,736 --> 00:23:26,897 Let us make official this symbolic union... 452 00:23:27,072 --> 00:23:28,403 JEFF: Hold it. 453 00:23:28,573 --> 00:23:32,737 Dean, I agree there's no reason you shouldn't give this guy my job. 454 00:23:32,911 --> 00:23:34,435 Save it. I don't wanna hear it. 455 00:23:34,613 --> 00:23:38,947 Don't do it before I tell you some things I've been getting away with not saying. 456 00:23:39,117 --> 00:23:41,483 - Somebody get this maniac out of... - Quiet, Willy. 457 00:23:41,686 --> 00:23:43,779 Let's do this by prison rules. 458 00:23:43,955 --> 00:23:45,149 Say what you have to say. 459 00:23:45,323 --> 00:23:48,121 Dean. I like my job. 460 00:23:48,293 --> 00:23:50,090 I don't mind coming to work here. 461 00:23:50,262 --> 00:23:53,663 I feel kind of guilty when I pretend to be sick. 462 00:23:53,832 --> 00:23:55,891 And I try to steal as little as possible. 463 00:23:56,067 --> 00:24:00,128 Just the basics. Pens, coffee filters, toilet paper... 464 00:24:00,305 --> 00:24:04,241 ...and one time an overhead projector and a roll of carpet. 465 00:24:04,409 --> 00:24:08,140 But I don't lead you on and I never will. 466 00:24:08,313 --> 00:24:10,838 I'm not just a pretty face that murders people... 467 00:24:11,016 --> 00:24:12,916 ...and tells you what you wanna hear. 468 00:24:13,585 --> 00:24:15,246 I'm less than that. 469 00:24:15,420 --> 00:24:21,017 I'm a gorgeous face that works for you and considers you a friend. 470 00:24:21,226 --> 00:24:22,318 - Oh, Jeffrey. ALL: Aw. 471 00:24:22,494 --> 00:24:26,487 Now, to be fair, you guys know Willy's an innocent man, right? 472 00:24:26,665 --> 00:24:27,996 You shut your mouth, warden. 473 00:24:28,166 --> 00:24:31,294 No, it's true. His appeal is in motion. There's new DNA evidence. 474 00:24:31,470 --> 00:24:33,768 He's a good fella, wrongfully convicted. 475 00:24:33,972 --> 00:24:37,100 You're not a murderer? 476 00:24:37,275 --> 00:24:41,507 - I can explain. - Ha, ha! Oh how the mighty have fallen. 477 00:24:41,680 --> 00:24:44,205 Son of a bitch! 478 00:24:44,382 --> 00:24:45,610 [WILLY GRUNTING] 479 00:24:45,784 --> 00:24:48,810 Wait. Let's do this by community-college rules. 480 00:24:48,987 --> 00:24:51,547 ALL: Fight! Fight! Fight! 481 00:24:58,063 --> 00:25:00,497 JEFF: Ha, ha! - Ugh! 482 00:25:00,699 --> 00:25:02,724 Go, brooms! Go! 483 00:25:02,901 --> 00:25:05,369 - Bring it on. WILLY: Argh! 484 00:25:05,537 --> 00:25:08,131 - It's so violent. - You punch like a girl! 485 00:25:08,473 --> 00:25:10,532 [JEFF & WILLY GRUNTING] 486 00:25:11,076 --> 00:25:13,909 Yeah, this is what you got? Here's what I got. 487 00:25:14,079 --> 00:25:16,377 Come on. Let's do it. 488 00:25:16,548 --> 00:25:17,776 Ah! 489 00:25:19,985 --> 00:25:21,577 Jeffrey! 490 00:25:22,988 --> 00:25:25,354 - Now who's fallen? PELTON: Hey, Willy. 491 00:25:27,692 --> 00:25:29,557 WILLY: Hey, hey, hey. Whoa, whoa... 492 00:25:30,362 --> 00:25:31,386 ALL: Whoa! 493 00:25:34,933 --> 00:25:36,560 JEFF: Thanks, Dean. 494 00:25:37,335 --> 00:25:42,034 Dean. Dean. Oh, come on. 495 00:25:42,207 --> 00:25:45,404 No, no. No. Stop. 496 00:25:46,411 --> 00:25:48,402 Way to go, Mr. Winger. 497 00:25:48,580 --> 00:25:49,740 Way to go. 498 00:25:49,915 --> 00:25:53,316 JEFF: Everybody, I am not participating in this. 499 00:25:54,052 --> 00:25:56,350 What the hell kind of school is this? 500 00:25:59,090 --> 00:26:01,251 Okay, thanks for coming on short notice. 501 00:26:01,426 --> 00:26:03,894 - Is everyone here? ANNIE: I think so. 502 00:26:04,062 --> 00:26:06,053 It's hard to tell without side cameras. 503 00:26:06,231 --> 00:26:08,699 Wait, why am I moving? 504 00:26:08,867 --> 00:26:10,562 Is my custom background working? 505 00:26:10,735 --> 00:26:12,032 Wait... I can't... 506 00:26:12,203 --> 00:26:14,694 W- A-S-D to move. It's been the same since the invention of the keyboard. 507 00:26:14,873 --> 00:26:17,433 - Okay, nerd. - As you've heard... 508 00:26:17,609 --> 00:26:20,077 ...the rehabilitation program has been aborted... 509 00:26:20,245 --> 00:26:24,272 ...so we lost that money, but we no longer have to build 67 ramps... 510 00:26:24,449 --> 00:26:26,076 - ... so we should break even. [THUMPING] 511 00:26:26,251 --> 00:26:27,980 Can you all hear that? 512 00:26:28,153 --> 00:26:31,281 There's a kid outside throwing tennis balls against my RV. 513 00:26:31,456 --> 00:26:35,893 [DISTORTION] Think I'm... And your... Coffee sho... Corporate thieves... 514 00:26:36,061 --> 00:26:39,087 Was it necessary for us to use these things for this meeting? 515 00:26:39,264 --> 00:26:42,324 There's something wrong with mine. I'll get a better connection. 516 00:26:42,500 --> 00:26:47,164 It wasn't entirely necessary but the prison is selling these units... 517 00:26:47,372 --> 00:26:50,603 ...at a discount so I thought I'd run their offer by the school. 518 00:26:50,775 --> 00:26:53,505 - What are you doing? Get out. - Mine's broken. 519 00:26:53,678 --> 00:26:55,976 No, it's not. There's a janitor on it right now. 520 00:26:56,181 --> 00:26:58,308 [BRITTA SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY] 521 00:26:58,516 --> 00:27:02,680 - I think Britta's being arrested. - I have every right to be here. 522 00:27:02,887 --> 00:27:04,286 - scared of you, but I'm not. 523 00:27:04,456 --> 00:27:06,083 [GLASS SHATTERING] ELROY: All right. That's it. 524 00:27:06,257 --> 00:27:08,589 Do you know how much windows cost, John McEnroe? 525 00:27:08,760 --> 00:27:10,785 JEFF: Get off my lap. - Stop fighting technology. 526 00:27:10,962 --> 00:27:12,930 I vote yes. We should get these. They're cool. 527 00:27:13,098 --> 00:27:15,464 I vote no. People shouldn't be everywhere at once. 528 00:27:15,634 --> 00:27:18,899 - We need to do our own thing. - Chang, where are you? 529 00:27:20,038 --> 00:27:22,632 - Doing my own thing. - Why is there tile behind you? 530 00:27:22,807 --> 00:27:26,607 Please tell me you're not doing the thing I think you're doing. 531 00:27:26,778 --> 00:27:28,541 That's the same tile we have in our bathroom. 532 00:27:28,713 --> 00:27:31,341 - What? Chang. - I gotta go. 533 00:27:31,516 --> 00:27:33,347 Oh, my God. 534 00:27:33,518 --> 00:27:36,112 JEFF: Yeah, I gotta go too. - Oh, Jeffrey. 535 00:27:36,287 --> 00:27:39,051 - We're passing on their offer? - No. They're just amateurs. 536 00:27:39,224 --> 00:27:41,021 Initiating override protocol. 537 00:27:41,226 --> 00:27:42,318 [BEEPING] 538 00:27:42,494 --> 00:27:44,860 - All in favor of this purchase? ALL: Affirmative. 539 00:27:45,030 --> 00:27:48,193 Very well. Abeds, commence with world domination. 540 00:27:48,366 --> 00:27:52,302 ALL: Eradicate. Eradicate. Eradicate. 541 00:27:52,470 --> 00:27:54,370 Eradicate. Eradicate. 542 00:27:54,539 --> 00:27:58,677 Eradicate. Eradicate. Eradicate. 543 00:27:58,710 --> 00:28:01,178 [♪♪♪] 544 00:28:03,500 --> 00:28:11,500 Ripped By mstoll