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Previously, on The Last Man on Earth...
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If I'm so bad, then why do
you want to live with me?
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Because I'm your wife!
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I wish I could have a do-over.
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Oh, my God!
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You're all alone out here?
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Yes.
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- Phil?
- Wait. You know Phil?
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Phil's my husband.
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Surprise!
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You guys don't understand.
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This was gonna be an awesome joke.
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I just can't believe you didn't
tell us there were other people.
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Yeah, that's, like, the one thing
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that's important in this world.
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Yeah, and all for what,
just so you can get laid?
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No. Because I had this
awesome idea for a prank.
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And I had it perfectly lined up.
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I mean, I had you guys thinking
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that I was going out camping,
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and I had you guys thinking
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these guys didn't exist.
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That's called the perfect storm.
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So, there we are, about to go
skinny-dipping...
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You were gonna go skinny-dipping?!
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As if I would ever do that.
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I-I am married to you, Carol.
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You told us Carol was dead.
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- What?! What?!
- Oh, my God!
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No, a-a different Carol.
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Carol, I was, uh, married to
this other woman named Carol
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before the virus. You told me
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you were single.
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Yeah, I was... Before I got married
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to that, uh, Carol.
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And, uh, she died in that, uh,
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tragic... snowmobiling accident.
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Sorry. I miss you.
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You're disgusting.
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Disgustingly good at pranks!
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God, you know, before I
go on, can I just say,
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this is really disrespectful to Carol.
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The other Carol. The late Carol.
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Uh, but, you know, back to this prank.
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So, you know, God, it was
gonna be such a great one,
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a-and then you guys all just ruined it.
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I feel so bad for you... You missed out
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on this wonderful thing.
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I mean, see, I was gonna...
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I was gonna, uh...
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uh, uh...
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What...
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what was gonna happen was,
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when we got out to those hot springs,
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I was gonna say, "Hey, wait...
I need my bathing suit."
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Then I was gonna lead you
back to our cul-de-sac,
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introduce you to all these people
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who mean the most to me in the world.
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'Cause you do... Have I
ever told you guys that?
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I wish I told you more.
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- Yeah.
- Phil...
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Stop talking.
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No! No, wait!
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Because it feels to me
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like you guys still think
this wasn't a prank.
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And that's...
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that's not acceptable.
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That's where I draw the line.
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Still think he's a good guy?
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Todd, come on, bud.
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There's got to be some explanation here!
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I-I mean, there is an explanation.
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The... you know, that, uh, prank thing.
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Way to go, Phil.
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He actually really liked you.
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I don't know why, but he did.
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You guys can follow us to the cul-de-sac...
that's where we live.
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Because we exist!
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I...
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It was prank.
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Carol...
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wait...
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What, you're just gonna leave me here?
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Wha...?
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What...?
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- Synced and Corrected by peterbrito -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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This is amazing.
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I can't believe you guys have a cow!
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And Gail's a chef,
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so this is, like... Oh, hon, the
things I can make with this.
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My mind is literally spinning.
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Creme brulee,
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dulce de leche...
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Good morning.
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I just came here to get some, uh... java...
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little milk.
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These guys give you the tour? Huh?
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Show you around?
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I'll take that as a yes or no.
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Hey... anybody seen Carol anywhere?
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How long am I gonna be
in the doghouse here?
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It was a prank.
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Okay. I get it.
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You're giving me the silent treatment.
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Very mature.
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Well, guess what? I can silent treatment
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with the best of 'em, huh?
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You want to do this? Let's go.
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Boom! Silent treatment!
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It was a prank.
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Carol?
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Carol?
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- Carol.
- What?
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Oh, there you are.
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Hey, I really need to talk to you.
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Fine.
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Let's talk.
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I'm not quite... understanding
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what you're... what you're doing there.
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Isn't that how ghosts talk?
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Carol...
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Well, I'm dead, right?
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Isn't that what you told them?
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Can I please explain?
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I think it's
pretty cut-and-dry, Phil.
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You told me you were going camping,
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and then you went out
skinny-dipping with two hussies.
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But I didn't do anything!
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Bologna on rye, Phil!
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No! Truth meat on honesty bread!
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You are nothing but a sewer
rat, you dumb donkey.
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Just cattin' around
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like the cock of the walk.
Well, guess what, you skunk?
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You just sprayed the wrong dog.
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Now, get out.
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Carol, this is my house.
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Skunks don't live in houses.
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And this one's haunted, anyways.
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Get out!
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Thanks for letting me stay here, guys.
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It's nice to feel welcome somewhere.
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And don't worry, I won't be here long.
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This is temporary.
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They're gonna come looking for me.
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You know, this'll be good.
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You know, this is a nice change of pace.
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I could use a break from people.
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Yeah, with all their, "Oh, Phil, do this,
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do that, you're a jerk...."
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Oh, no, this is good, this is nice.
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Solitude, loneliness, friends.
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And this pool table makes a fine bed. Yeah.
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You know, it's firm, no give...
Which is great for the back.
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Oh, yeah.
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Beds are overrated.
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Don't miss beds.
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Knock, knock...
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- Carol?
- Knock, knock.
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Did you hear us knocking?
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Well, we just wanted to drop by
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with this pecan pie
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and say we hope that
there's no hard feelings.
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Why would there be any hard feelings?
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All you did was make a series
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of quick, slut-based decisions
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about sharing your body
with a man you hardly knew.
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Carol, you know we would
never have done that stuff
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if we'd known Phil was married.
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Of course.
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I don't hold it against you.
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You had no idea.
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And you're not even from here.
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In this country, we tend
to do a bit of research
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before inviting a man
into the land down under.
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Carol, I can see that you're
hurting really badly,
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and I'm hoping that we just...
move past all this.
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But in the meantime,
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we're just gonna leave this pie right here.
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Oh, I can't eat that pie.
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Uh, are you... are you allergic to pecans?
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No.
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I just don't enjoy hussy pie.
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You understand.
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I don't, but we'll be taking off now.
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Yeah.
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Okay, Gary, what's your poison?
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Tequila sunrise, huh? Okay.
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That's a fun choice.
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Oh. Let me try that again.
190
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Just grab another bottle, like so.
191
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Try that.
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Cruise makes it look so easy, you know?
193
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Ow, that hurt. That really hurt.
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They must have CGI'd those bottles, right?
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Yeah, I'm gonna have all these tricks down
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by the time they come looking for me.
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It's gonna be a fun surprise for them.
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Okay, here we go. Okay.
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Whoa!
200
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I got it!
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Hey, Carol.
202
00:09:42,905 --> 00:09:44,906
- Can we come in?
- Oh, absolutely.
203
00:09:45,207 --> 00:09:47,041
Come in. Have a seat, you.
204
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Hey, I brought you some tea.
205
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Careful, it's really hot, okay?
206
00:09:50,512 --> 00:09:52,580
So, we heard
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00:09:52,581 --> 00:09:54,882
you talked with... Gail and Erica.
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00:09:54,883 --> 00:09:56,417
We just wanted to come over,
209
00:09:56,418 --> 00:09:59,420
and see if you're doing okay.
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I'm fine.
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00:10:00,422 --> 00:10:01,656
Why wouldn't I be?
212
00:10:01,657 --> 00:10:03,725
- Everything's fine.
- Carol, that's...
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00:10:04,760 --> 00:10:07,161
Sorry, I tried to warn you...
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00:10:07,162 --> 00:10:08,396
about...
215
00:10:09,898 --> 00:10:11,699
That's all right, Todd.
216
00:10:11,700 --> 00:10:13,368
It's okay.
217
00:10:13,369 --> 00:10:14,535
Everything's fine.
218
00:10:14,536 --> 00:10:15,903
So...
219
00:10:20,909 --> 00:10:22,176
Okay...
220
00:10:22,177 --> 00:10:24,245
I see what you're doing over there.
221
00:10:25,214 --> 00:10:26,881
- What-what are we doing?
- Mm.
222
00:10:26,882 --> 00:10:29,417
Sitting so far apart from each other.
223
00:10:29,418 --> 00:10:30,585
Oh, we're not... No.
224
00:10:30,586 --> 00:10:32,387
I'm a strong woman, okay?
225
00:10:32,388 --> 00:10:36,224
I can handle seeing two
people being affectionate.
226
00:10:36,225 --> 00:10:37,558
Ah. Please,
227
00:10:37,559 --> 00:10:38,793
kiss each other.
228
00:10:38,794 --> 00:10:40,561
For me. I can take it.
229
00:10:40,562 --> 00:10:42,163
We're just kind of hanging out right now,
230
00:10:42,164 --> 00:10:43,931
- you know what I mean?
- Carol, this is uncomfortable.
231
00:10:43,932 --> 00:10:45,500
You know what's uncomfortable
232
00:10:45,501 --> 00:10:47,935
is this pity party you're throwing me.
233
00:10:47,936 --> 00:10:49,437
Okay?
234
00:10:49,438 --> 00:10:51,339
Go ahead, kiss. Come on.
235
00:10:51,340 --> 00:10:54,309
Kiss. For me, please.
236
00:10:54,310 --> 00:10:57,211
Oh, come on, you can do better than that.
237
00:10:57,212 --> 00:10:58,212
Get into it!
238
00:10:58,213 --> 00:10:59,781
Come on, kiss like you used to!
239
00:11:01,417 --> 00:11:03,384
Oh, that was so fake!
240
00:11:03,385 --> 00:11:05,119
Kiss! Come on!
241
00:11:06,488 --> 00:11:07,488
Okay, that's enough, Todd.
242
00:11:07,489 --> 00:11:08,923
- Yes, copy that.
- This is...
243
00:11:08,924 --> 00:11:10,558
- I just... Whoo!
- This is weird.
244
00:11:10,559 --> 00:11:13,061
- Very.
- Carol, what is going on with you?
245
00:11:13,062 --> 00:11:14,495
It's called being just fine, Melissa.
246
00:11:14,496 --> 00:11:15,930
Maybe you should try it some time.
247
00:11:15,931 --> 00:11:17,098
- Carol...
- Now, if you don't mind,
248
00:11:17,099 --> 00:11:19,267
I'd like to be alone. Thank you.
249
00:11:19,268 --> 00:11:21,636
Yeah, okay.
250
00:11:22,671 --> 00:11:24,472
Okay, well, just let us know
251
00:11:24,473 --> 00:11:25,740
if you need anything.
252
00:11:28,077 --> 00:11:30,979
They're not coming.
253
00:11:30,980 --> 00:11:34,282
Oh, they don't care where I am
254
00:11:34,283 --> 00:11:37,051
'cause they don't like me.
255
00:11:37,052 --> 00:11:40,822
Which is really sad
'cause I want to go back!
256
00:11:40,823 --> 00:11:44,058
I don't want to live at this stupid bar...
257
00:11:44,059 --> 00:11:47,528
a pool table for a bed.
258
00:11:47,529 --> 00:11:50,365
I was wrong.
259
00:11:50,366 --> 00:11:53,568
Beds are underrated.
260
00:11:53,569 --> 00:11:56,671
And people are underrated. God.
261
00:11:56,672 --> 00:11:58,172
Oh, but they don't like me.
262
00:11:58,173 --> 00:12:00,775
They're not gonna talk to me.
263
00:12:02,444 --> 00:12:04,412
Oh, I get it, I blew it.
264
00:12:04,413 --> 00:12:06,981
I really beefed it.
265
00:12:06,982 --> 00:12:08,750
I asked for a do-over
266
00:12:08,751 --> 00:12:11,452
and instead I got a do-do-over.
267
00:12:11,453 --> 00:12:14,389
Boom, I still got it.
268
00:12:14,390 --> 00:12:17,559
I'm persona non grata.
269
00:12:17,560 --> 00:12:19,761
Iced out.
270
00:12:19,762 --> 00:12:22,864
No one wants to have anything to do
271
00:12:22,865 --> 00:12:25,867
with old Phil Miller.
272
00:12:25,868 --> 00:12:30,171
But I mean, I am who I am.
273
00:12:30,172 --> 00:12:34,943
I can't just magically
change into another person.
274
00:12:43,586 --> 00:12:45,954
Hi.
275
00:12:45,955 --> 00:12:47,422
The name's Mike Miller.
276
00:12:47,423 --> 00:12:49,257
I'm looking for my twin brother, Phil.
277
00:12:49,258 --> 00:12:50,491
Oh, my God, people.
278
00:12:50,492 --> 00:12:53,228
It's been so long. Oh, God!
279
00:12:53,229 --> 00:12:55,363
Damn it.
280
00:12:55,364 --> 00:12:57,031
How did that not work?
281
00:13:00,520 --> 00:13:01,578
That's looking good.
282
00:13:01,579 --> 00:13:02,812
Ooh!
283
00:13:03,413 --> 00:13:05,013
- Hey.
- Good shot.
284
00:13:05,014 --> 00:13:07,950
I just can't believe he put on a costume.
285
00:13:07,951 --> 00:13:10,285
That's what you can't believe?
286
00:13:10,286 --> 00:13:11,653
I can't believe he thought we would believe
287
00:13:11,654 --> 00:13:12,988
he was his own brother.
288
00:13:12,989 --> 00:13:14,790
What did Carol say?
289
00:13:14,791 --> 00:13:17,292
Oh, she just slammed the
door right in his face.
290
00:13:17,293 --> 00:13:18,660
Good for her, poor thing.
291
00:13:18,661 --> 00:13:20,796
I mean, that man is a
little tossed in the head.
292
00:13:20,797 --> 00:13:22,831
- Yeah, a little.
- Yeah.
293
00:13:22,832 --> 00:13:24,533
He's also a pathological liar.
294
00:13:24,534 --> 00:13:26,235
Oh, what a wanker.
295
00:13:26,236 --> 00:13:28,570
We really dodged a bullet with that guy.
296
00:13:28,571 --> 00:13:31,707
Oh, good-bye and good
riddance, Phil Cormaneau.
297
00:13:31,708 --> 00:13:33,442
Cormaneau?
298
00:13:33,443 --> 00:13:34,643
His last name's Miller.
299
00:13:34,644 --> 00:13:37,880
He lied about that, too? Why?
300
00:13:37,881 --> 00:13:39,681
- Why not?
- What a liar.
301
00:13:39,682 --> 00:13:41,183
- I can't believe he just lied.
- What a liar.
302
00:13:41,184 --> 00:13:42,584
Take is easy.
303
00:13:42,585 --> 00:13:44,887
Okay, I'm just so disappointed...
304
00:13:44,888 --> 00:13:48,924
I do not feel great right now.
305
00:13:48,925 --> 00:13:51,493
They don't miss me at all.
306
00:13:51,494 --> 00:13:53,295
Why are they so mad?
307
00:13:53,296 --> 00:13:56,198
Why won't they give me the
benefit of the doubt?
308
00:13:56,199 --> 00:13:58,534
They think I'm just some liar.
309
00:13:58,535 --> 00:14:00,669
I am not a liar.
310
00:14:00,670 --> 00:14:03,839
I mean, what have I ever done
that would make them think that?
311
00:14:06,543 --> 00:14:08,343
- It was a prank.
- I found the cow!
312
00:14:08,344 --> 00:14:09,378
I got the rings.
313
00:14:09,379 --> 00:14:11,180
I'm a pretty major tennis guy.
314
00:14:11,181 --> 00:14:13,215
- Are you attracted to Melissa?
- No.
315
00:14:13,216 --> 00:14:14,716
- Are you lactose intolerant?
- Yes.
316
00:14:14,717 --> 00:14:16,652
- I can fix a friggin' door.
- Committed to this marriage.
317
00:14:16,653 --> 00:14:18,086
I've been very busy, Carol.
318
00:14:18,087 --> 00:14:19,488
- You're all alone out here?
- Yes.
319
00:14:19,489 --> 00:14:20,489
Must've been a raccoon.
320
00:14:20,490 --> 00:14:21,590
I used to have a VW Bug.
321
00:14:21,591 --> 00:14:23,025
- I have diarrhea...
- Big Shankhead here...
322
00:14:23,026 --> 00:14:24,426
- Cormaneau...
- I'm a nice person...
323
00:14:24,427 --> 00:14:26,094
- The name's Mike Miller...
- Balls are clean...
324
00:14:27,363 --> 00:14:29,264
I am a liar.
325
00:14:34,771 --> 00:14:35,838
Oh, look who it is,
326
00:14:35,839 --> 00:14:37,072
everybody.
327
00:14:37,073 --> 00:14:38,207
Mike Miller.
328
00:14:38,208 --> 00:14:39,842
Or is it Mike Cormaneau?
329
00:14:41,177 --> 00:14:42,444
Can I talk to you guys?
330
00:14:42,445 --> 00:14:43,479
No.
331
00:14:43,480 --> 00:14:45,581
I'm not leaving until I say my piece.
332
00:14:45,582 --> 00:14:47,683
Fine, stay here. We'll just ignore you.
333
00:14:47,684 --> 00:14:49,184
You know what, anybody want a refill?
334
00:14:49,185 --> 00:14:50,686
I do.
335
00:14:50,687 --> 00:14:52,020
- Great.
- Thank you very much.
336
00:14:52,021 --> 00:14:54,690
Don't mind me. I'll just
be here, uh, doing this...
337
00:15:01,631 --> 00:15:03,632
I'll just keep screaming
until you talk to me.
338
00:15:07,804 --> 00:15:09,571
Phil.
339
00:15:09,572 --> 00:15:11,006
Can't you get it through your little perm?
340
00:15:11,007 --> 00:15:12,274
We don't want to talk to you.
341
00:15:12,275 --> 00:15:17,012
No, Melissa, let's just over
with which to get this.
342
00:15:19,048 --> 00:15:21,216
Are you guys ready for a bombshell?
343
00:15:22,652 --> 00:15:25,921
When I was gonna go skinny-dipping
with Gail and Erica...
344
00:15:25,922 --> 00:15:27,689
that wasn't a prank.
345
00:15:29,392 --> 00:15:32,261
That was a very real effort
to swim naked with women.
346
00:15:34,964 --> 00:15:36,465
Moving on. Melissa.
347
00:15:37,967 --> 00:15:39,868
I did not want to have sex with you
348
00:15:39,869 --> 00:15:42,104
solely for the purpose of repopulation.
349
00:15:43,306 --> 00:15:44,907
I wanted to have sex with you
350
00:15:44,908 --> 00:15:46,775
because you're a friggin' smokeshow.
351
00:15:49,245 --> 00:15:51,313
Todd...
352
00:15:51,314 --> 00:15:53,649
I did not co-write "Fields of Gold."
353
00:15:53,650 --> 00:15:56,718
The only person who wrote
that song was Sting.
354
00:15:58,188 --> 00:16:00,756
And finally, Carol.
355
00:16:03,093 --> 00:16:05,394
I can't even begin to count the ways
356
00:16:05,395 --> 00:16:07,229
that I've been dishonest with you.
357
00:16:07,230 --> 00:16:09,932
But let me start with this:
358
00:16:09,933 --> 00:16:12,434
We should have never gotten married.
359
00:16:14,537 --> 00:16:16,672
When I said "I do,"
360
00:16:16,673 --> 00:16:18,207
it was a lie,
361
00:16:18,208 --> 00:16:19,775
'cause I didn't.
362
00:16:23,146 --> 00:16:25,214
And I know I've hurt you...
363
00:16:25,215 --> 00:16:27,583
and I'm really, really sorry.
364
00:16:29,886 --> 00:16:32,221
Look, I don't expect this to change the way
365
00:16:32,222 --> 00:16:34,390
that any of you guys feel about me,
366
00:16:34,391 --> 00:16:38,560
but I'd rather be an honest
person with no friends
367
00:16:38,561 --> 00:16:41,997
than live one more day as a liar, so...
368
00:16:43,700 --> 00:16:45,634
Smell ya never.
369
00:16:47,871 --> 00:16:49,872
Excuse me.
370
00:16:57,881 --> 00:17:00,983
I knew he didn't write "Fields of Gold."
371
00:17:19,344 --> 00:17:21,011
So I, you know,
372
00:17:21,012 --> 00:17:23,814
I said my piece and, uh...
373
00:17:23,815 --> 00:17:26,450
did not get a lot of traction there,
374
00:17:26,451 --> 00:17:28,118
but, uh, I feel good.
375
00:17:28,119 --> 00:17:30,854
I-I feel... I did the right thing.
376
00:17:30,855 --> 00:17:32,823
I mean, it's-it's what I had to do.
377
00:17:32,824 --> 00:17:35,092
- Um...
- Phil?
378
00:17:36,695 --> 00:17:40,097
Phil, are you talking to balls
with faces drawn on them?
379
00:17:40,098 --> 00:17:43,033
Y-Yes.
380
00:17:43,034 --> 00:17:44,468
I am.
381
00:17:44,469 --> 00:17:46,637
Okay.
382
00:17:46,638 --> 00:17:50,274
Well, I guess they can hear this, too.
383
00:17:50,275 --> 00:17:52,409
I have a few things to say.
384
00:17:52,410 --> 00:17:55,145
If you have any questions,
comments or applause,
385
00:17:55,146 --> 00:17:56,547
just save it until I'm done.
386
00:17:57,582 --> 00:17:59,249
I don't think applause will apply,
387
00:17:59,250 --> 00:18:01,719
but just hold it till the end.
388
00:18:01,720 --> 00:18:04,488
- Okay.
- Phil, what did I just ask?
389
00:18:04,489 --> 00:18:06,090
- Sorry.
- Phil!
390
00:18:15,500 --> 00:18:18,135
Phil, what do you think about this quilt?
391
00:18:22,607 --> 00:18:24,341
'Cause you know what I think?
392
00:18:24,342 --> 00:18:27,044
I think it's U-G-L-Y,
393
00:18:27,045 --> 00:18:29,179
this quilt ain't got no alibi.
394
00:18:29,180 --> 00:18:30,447
It's ugly.
395
00:18:31,783 --> 00:18:33,517
It's ugly.
396
00:18:33,518 --> 00:18:35,252
Do you see where I'm going with this?
397
00:18:36,922 --> 00:18:38,489
You can talk.
398
00:18:38,490 --> 00:18:41,592
Respectfully, I-I have no clue.
399
00:18:41,593 --> 00:18:45,095
Phil, sometimes, in quilting,
400
00:18:45,096 --> 00:18:47,998
you just don't have the right scraps.
401
00:18:47,999 --> 00:18:51,535
And no matter how much effort you put in,
402
00:18:51,536 --> 00:18:53,871
you make a quilt that looks like this.
403
00:18:53,872 --> 00:18:55,211
I will agree that it's ugly.
404
00:18:55,212 --> 00:18:58,275
And you worked so hard on it
405
00:18:58,276 --> 00:19:01,145
and you trick yourself into
thinking it's beautiful
406
00:19:01,146 --> 00:19:05,282
and you display it proudly in
the entryway on you divan.
407
00:19:06,985 --> 00:19:09,453
And then your friend Barbara
comes over a few days later,
408
00:19:09,454 --> 00:19:11,555
and she tells you that she thinks it's best
409
00:19:11,556 --> 00:19:14,191
if you fold it up and put it in the closet.
410
00:19:14,192 --> 00:19:16,360
You see what I'm saying now?
411
00:19:16,361 --> 00:19:20,865
Barbara's a pretty mean person
and tells it like it is and...
412
00:19:21,366 --> 00:19:23,200
Right? Yes?
413
00:19:24,436 --> 00:19:27,471
I think it's time we put
this quilt in the closet.
414
00:19:32,577 --> 00:19:34,678
So, here.
415
00:19:39,951 --> 00:19:42,186
Divorce papers?
416
00:19:42,187 --> 00:19:44,622
They're official, I'm a notary.
417
00:19:44,623 --> 00:19:46,690
Are you sure about this?
418
00:19:46,691 --> 00:19:48,559
Yeah, Phil.
419
00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:52,696
You're better off without me.
I'm better off without you.
420
00:19:52,697 --> 00:19:56,233
I just want you to be happy.
421
00:19:56,234 --> 00:20:00,571
Well, I just want you to be happy.
422
00:20:00,572 --> 00:20:02,072
Then sign.
423
00:20:07,212 --> 00:20:09,480
There.
424
00:20:09,481 --> 00:20:10,681
And there.
425
00:20:10,682 --> 00:20:13,584
Uh-huh.
426
00:20:13,585 --> 00:20:15,586
And... ooh, Social Security, right there.
427
00:20:15,587 --> 00:20:17,588
This is fun to notarize again.
428
00:20:17,589 --> 00:20:21,325
Oh, man, once
you break the seal...
429
00:20:21,326 --> 00:20:23,160
It's a notary joke.
430
00:20:23,161 --> 00:20:24,662
I wish Glen were here.
431
00:20:24,663 --> 00:20:26,263
He would've gotten a kick out of that one.
432
00:20:28,967 --> 00:20:31,235
It's official.
433
00:20:31,236 --> 00:20:34,405
It's official.
434
00:20:34,406 --> 00:20:35,773
Friends?
435
00:20:36,808 --> 00:20:39,009
Friends.
436
00:20:39,010 --> 00:20:41,812
Ah, get in here.
437
00:21:02,934 --> 00:21:05,569
Well, see you back at the cul-de-sac.
438
00:21:05,570 --> 00:21:07,471
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
439
00:21:14,679 --> 00:21:17,882
So, that's my ex-wife.
440
00:21:17,883 --> 00:21:21,886
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