♪ I heard ♪
♪ you found your fix ♪
♪ I heard ♪
♪ you found her quick ♪
♪ running circles again ♪
♪ on the wrong track, playback ♪
♪ you can run around again ♪
♪ ooh ♪
♪ you can run around again ♪
- synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -
[indistinct conversations]
Oh, I know.
Right? I know.
- You know what I'm saying? - Yes.
I get it. [Laughs]
Oh! [Grunts, laughs]
Seriously, we got to talk.
About what? Come on!
Geez. Really?
Jace, you need something?
Yeah, a fucking blowtorch, okay?
These things are cold, right? Huh?
- It's like ice. - They're wings.
- Don't they come that way? - Cold. All right.
Go ahead. You gonna eat cold chicken?
- Huh? - I don't know. I don't...
- don't usually order that kind of stuff. - Hey, whoa.
It's a cooked appetizer, right?
It's not like it's science or anything.
I mean, please. Come on.
- [Cellphone vibrates] - Excuse me.
Can I get one of your people over here,
because my wings are cold?
[Vibrating stops]
Wow. Look at you, huh?
- Thought my wings were cold. - [Sighs]
Giving the wife the big deep freeze. Ba-bam!
Ex-wife. [Clears throat]
Gonna be ex-wife.
No, it's not like that. It's...
- You know how it is. - Yeah. You think? [Chuckles]
Wives three through five,
they never warrant a phone call.
I don't give a shit you know, if they're in a coma
or in need of my bone marrow.
I'm not taking that call. Unh-unh.
The first couple of gals, they weren't so bad.
But the last few have been real fucking assholes.
But, no, you couldn't tell me that when I was dating them.
No, I had to marry them and lose my fucking shorts
to each and every one of them to fucking figure that out.
Right? I mean, swear to god,
I'm like a retard when it comes to ladies.
I'm like the rain man of chicks.
I wish I was fucking gay.
And I would be, too, you know, if I didn't have to suck cock.
Ugh!
Oh, man. That is such a drawback to me.
But you know what?
The other stuff is actually, you know,
it's actually kind of fun.
You know, the clothing and the decorating,
you know, and all the little museum trips
that those faggots like to go on.
Dude, hey. I'm being totally serious here, all right?
I could watch "Cabaret" all the time!
If I could be the one queer, you know,
who didn't have to fucking take it in the back door
on, like, a regular basis, oh, god,
I would hop on that train in a hot second!
If I could come out of the closet right now,
fuck, that would totally save me, huh?
It'd be like the homo cavalry showing up
after a movie or something, right?
[Imitates bugle]
Really? Please.
Hey! Amigo, huh? Over here!
Por favor.
When you get a chance. Thank you. Wow.
[Chuckles]
Thank you. Whoo!
Jesus.
Like fucking Mexico City in here, isn't it?
I swear to god. Seriously?
What, do I need a passport
- to get fucking service around here? What? - Jace. Jace.
Don't talk so loud.
Why not, Stan?
- Because people are gonna get... - What?
You know...
Oh, I know.
Right, right. I'm supposed to be, like, repentant
- and shit like that, huh? - Yeah. Something like that.
Well fuck it. Hey. [Taps table]
Got to be me, right?
- Yeah. Speaking of that... - No. Please, no. All right?
Just... let's just save it for the main course,
all right, bro? You just... hey.
Have some fries.
Chew on those and keep dodging calls
from your ex-wife there, huh?
Just, you know, I need some time to relax here
before we get into the heavy stuff, okay?
No problem. You pay the bills.
Very true, my friend.
Very true.
- [Glasses clink] - Right?
You ever fuck that girl over there?
You know, the cute one?
Um...
No, she's...
No, I haven't.
I've only been single for like six weeks.
Not even single. Just...
- Really. - Please, that's not what I asked.
I'm not talking about the ugly one over there
with the tooth that's going... or the other one.
Where is she? I saw a fat one here earlier.
- [Clears throat] - What the fuck man?
What is it with fat chicks and tattoos, right?
It baffles me. [Gulping]
Okay, sweetie,
nothing's gonna help you.
Don't try to trick my eyes with the ink, all right?
'Cause it isn't working.
You're still an ugly, fat piece of shit
and no picture of Wonder Woman on your ankle's
gonna change that, right?
You know what? It's like that nude chick on HBO,
that one... did you see her in that... oh, god.
What a pig! But hey,
I digress, huh? I digress, right?
It's, uh, not that one. [ Snaps fingers] That one.
[Sighs]
Well... "No" is still the answer.
She's definitely cute, though.
100 bucks says I fuck her tonight.
- What? - A bet.
It's no big deal. 100 bucks.
Practically a gentleman's bet.
Except I'm not gonna be treating her that way...
- like a gentleman. - So, wait.
- What? - After her shift, right?
After her shift.
200 bucks if she lets me come in her mouth...
- twice. - Jace.
- What? Come on. - Jesus Christ!
Stan, what's up with you?
How many times have we made these fucking bets, man?
- Literally, like 3,000 times. - I know, I know, I know, I know.
Okay, that's the number. 3,000.
How many times have I won?
- About 70%. - Come on. Really?
- Maybe 80%. - 85%, easy.
- All right. 85%. - Thank you.
- Fine. - Thank you. Tell you what.
She sticks her tongue in my ass
- we'll make it an even $500. - [Sighs] That's...
- What? - How would I even know that?
Because I'm honest.
Because I'm your friend.
- Because I text pictures. - [Scoffs]
- True. - True.
Huh? So, are we on?
[Sighs]
Um...
Yeah, sure.
- We're on. - We're on. Thank God.
The old fucking Stanley's back.
Ha. Look at him.
I got to be honest with you, huh? [Snaps fingers]
You know, you've been moping around here
about this whole Bridgette thing.
It's time to get you laid. Or better yet, me.
Hi. How are you?
Nice, huh?
Yes.
- Thanks. - You're welcome.
Wow. Wow.
[Cellphone vibrating]
[Slurps]
Hmm.
[Vibrating stops]
Oh.
- So... - So.
- the situation. - Oh fuck, fuck, fuck.
They're really pressing you for some kind of, you know,
formal thing.
What does that mean?
That's open to interpretation.
Thank you very much, Perry Mason. I already know that.
So, what do you suggest?
- I say we go "The View," get it over with. - What?!
- Fuck no! - "Ellen."
"Ellen"? Dude, are you crazy?
She's fucking gay!
She's, like, the most gay person out there, dude.
- We're gonna have to consider... - Portia de Rossi
used to be, like, super hot, and now she's Ellen's wife.
That's not normal, okay? For people to do that.
She must have some kind of like magical powers
or something like that.
She wears those ugly fucking sweater vests. How?
Okay? How does...
Jace, it's gonna have to be on a show like that...
something visible, something woman-friendly.
- There's a couple choices, but in the end... - I know, I know.
I know. I know!
Fuck!
You say one little thing... one little fucking quip...
and suddenly you're like...
you know, that's exactly why Leno has me on, hmm?
Keep himself somewhat in the game,
to appear as though he's
interested in the mainstream of comedy, right?
Give himself a little bit of an edge.
Howard Stern goes on there,
and no one's surprised or shocked or "dismayed."
Is that what this little fucker said in this tweet, hmm?
"Dismayed"?
All this shit
is over some fucking tweet
that this prissy little fucker wrote?
Who cares what he fucking thinks? Are you kidding me?
He's a junior in high school.
He should be more concerned about his S.A.Ts
than feeling so dismayed because I made some jokes
about some faggots in high school.
Come on. I really didn't say that, you know,
they should stick the next-day pill up their asses
to see if it explodes. [Laughs]
Dude, it was a joke.
I said maybe...
maybe we should.
It's an advance in science, right?
What?
It's a joke. I get paid to tell jokes!
I know. And they pay you well.
Right. And then I pay you.
- I know. - I know.
- But... - But, fuck what?
- It's comedy. Come on! - Twitter is powerful.
People really jumped on this thing.
I know, I know. Fine. Yes. I know.
I know. Shit, is there someone
around here at any point in any time
that brings water? It feels like the Sahara desert in here.
I feel like Lawrence of Arabia.
Yes, sir. Can I help?
Yes, I plan on sleeping with you tonight,
but that's besides the point. Uh, we need
water if you have the time.
And was there an order
in which you imagine those two things happening in?
- Good comeback. - Thank you.
Actress?
- Guilty as charged. - Cool. I like actresses.
I'm very happy for you.
I'm very happy that you're very happy.
Great. I have a big heart,
so I'll allow you to be happier than me.
Plus I just heard this back in the kitchen,
but apparently the customer is always right.
- I'll get that water for you. - Right.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, wait.
What if I would like to reverse that order?
What is that?
What if I'd like to fuck you first?
Well, then it just depends, Mr. Cooper.
On?
On how long you can wait for hell to freeze over.
- Oh. - It apparently takes a while.
Oh.
Really, dude? Really.
- Pbbbt. - Okay.
Save yourself the heartache, bro.
You never get the girl before me,
even when the playing field was level, huh?
She is mine.
Yeah.
I can see that.
Okay. Just wait.
Double or nothing?
Jace, I was kidding.
- I'm sorry. You were what? - I was kidding.
- You weren't kidding. - Yeah, I was.
No, you weren't kidding. You made the bet.
- I never made that bet. - Yes, you did. You made the bet.
You want me to ask everybody in here if you made the bet?
Because I will. I'll ask everybody in here if you made that bet.
No.
Better yet, let me ask her.
That's a better... excuse me, miss?
Oh, miss!
- Please don't do that, Jace. Honestly. - Why?
- Okay, fine. - Come on.
Dick.
- Did too make the bet. - All right, fine. I made the bet.
You did, right? Fine. Thank you, huh?
You did make the fucking bet.
[Clears throat] I hate it when you do that.
That's exactly why I do it.
- You're like my little brother. - A little brother that pays you
a shitload of money to fucking watch his back.
Yeah. And speaking of that...
What? Just what? God. Fuck.
"The View" wouldn't be terrible.
Segments are short. You got the whole group there.
Some of them actually think you're funny.
- Joy likes you. - Whoopi hates me,
okay? You know what? I've argued politics with her for hours.
Everyone thinks that she's so funny and so cool,
but she can be cold, dude, I mean, like frigid
if she doesn't agree with you on that kind of stuff.
Ah... I got it.
Great idea.
It just came to me.
Why don't we find a time when she's not around,
- when she's on vacation? - No.
- Is that possible? - No, we need to do this now, all right?
It was fine when the tweets started... we could handle that.
Even when you got into it with those people,
you were still taking care of things.
But once this kid got beat up at school...
He planned that! Fuck him!
You know that, all right? This is not just some kind of coincidence!
That little asshole went to gym class
thinking he's all big guy now
because he tweets some little shit
about his... oh, his drama about being, you know,
a gay young man
navigating the waters, and bam!
Couple fucking football players... not me...
couple big bruisers,
huh, don't like this prissy little fucker,
or his attitude and they beat the shit out of him
in the locker room.
Did I pay anyone to do that?
Did I ask anybody to fight my battles? No.
I did not. The answer is no. No!
Ha. Fucking little prick.
That's not what school officials have been saying
or what his parents have been saying
or his little sister, who's right back out there on Twitter, by the way,
blaming you, your act,
the specials, the records,
everything,
saying that you breed hate, that you hide behind a thin veneer of humor
to criticize and attack the weak and fragile in society.
Are you listening to me?!
[Scoffs] I'm sorry, but whose side are you on?
- I'm on your side! I'm quoting! - Bitch!
That's what this kid's very cute little sister is saying!
[Laughs] It was fucking comedy.
It was a fucking joke.
Fuck me.
Fuck, are you kidding me? Come on, man! It's... it's...
I thought comedy and whatnot was protected by the...
you know what I'm thinking. The
free... free speech, uh, whatnot.
First amendment! It's comedy!
It's satire! What? And now all of a sudden it's a hate crime?
Oh!
It is comedy, yes,
- but you still got to pick your target... - Oh, fuck!
- Fuck! Fuck! - Pick your audience...
Pick your moment.
We've been saying the same stuff for years now.
Fine. Shit. Fine. Fuck. All right? Fine.
Where the fuck is the water chick?
- I want another crack at her crack. - Jace, god!
[Chuckling] What? It's just rhyming. That's all.
Huh?
[Chuckling] Okay, if I was black, you'd call it rap.
Ah. Right? And then you'd pay me a million bucks for it.
Then she'd probably fuck me, huh?
I bet she likes fucking black dudes, huh?
All these chicks these days like it.
I mean, I get it.
I mean, they got big cocks and everything, but...
I'm not getting into this.
Just hear me out here.
- I'm not getting into it. - All I'm saying
is that me and Whoopi on the same segment
is not a smart idea.
It's not what you would call must-see TV,
- if you know what I'm saying. - I know exactly what you're saying.
Fine. You know what? Let's just set up. Maybe we could...
Oh, whoa, wait, whoa, whoa. Wait, wait, wait a second. What about Letterman, huh?
Or Ferguson.
He's funny. He's not from the States.
- Maybe he'd be like... - Tried them both. It's a firm no.
- What about Kimmel? - Nah.
Fuck. He's not gonna help me, man.
- Kimmel hates Leno. - Same with Conan.
I thought it would help,
but because you chose to do Leno first,
- they feel like you're... - What are you talking about?
I was a guest. They made me do Leno first.
I did a guest slot at NBC. They made me do NBC.
- True, but... - "True, but"?
Shit. Everybody's a fucking pussy.
Yeah, but we're still stuck in the same situation, all right?
People are really pissed off about this.
- And this kid and this family are... - I know, I know.
It doesn't help that his sister looks like a fashion model, huh?
Man, did you see the picture that the family released...
the two of them in mini skirts and makeup and shit.
How does that not turn people off?
Here's a teenage boy
running around in... oh, come on.
Since when is being a total tranny
suddenly cool? It is fucking gross.
Ugh.
I know. I agree.
Things are not the same out there these days,
and news... it gets out so fast.
But we got to do something quick.
That big spread in People magazine was very persuasive.
No, you got to be kidding me.
You mean that one with the picture from the hospital deal,
the one before and the after?
I mean, come on. That one?
The family is fueling this, man.
They're behind this whole fucking thing.
Yeah.
That one.
[Sighs]
Fine.
Fuck.
Let's just do "The View."
Do "The View." Do "The View."
Fuck it. Do the fucking "View."
They'll definitely have me on, right?
- Uh-huh. - Okay.
Have me on.
Bitches. God.
I hope they don't go all, you know...
you know what?
Joy's pretty cool, right? She's cool.
I'll talk to her mostly.
I mean, I'll get in there as quickly as possible
and tell her that I'm sorry, you know,
that I love gay people and abortions
and all that shit and all this will blow over, right?
I mean, it always does, right? So...
- I hope so. - You hope so?
Fuck, I pay you to lie to me, so fucking lie to me.
Some fucking friend you are.
Fine.
Jace,
this whole thing's gonna blow over.
- [Cellphone vibrating] - I mean, come on.
Will you just fucking pick it up, please, all right?
She might be stuck in some kind of fucking fish and chip
with a mad man with a gun pointed to her fucking head!
- Jace, your fucking mind. I mean, Jesus Christ. - I'm just saying,
what if she's got two seconds to live
and he's allowed her to call one person and she picked you, huh?
What? You want to sit here
with an asshole like me and eat tiramisu
and drive home and listen to her message
only to feel like shit for the rest of your natural life?
Just pick it up.
She probably can't figure out why they drink warm beer.
Hello.
It's because those douchebags don't know how to make ice yet.
Third-world pricks.
- Hey, Bridgette. How you doing? - [Snaps fingers]
Water. Hey, water.
Agua. That's right.
[Clears throat]
Hey, I'm finished. Thanks.
Just tell me you guys aren't related.
- No. Not even distantly. - [Chuckles] Congratulations.
- I am so pleased for you. - Agreed.
And I'm single now, too, so...
I should probably...
Hey, maybe we could, um...
So,
I will leave a series of cryptic numbers on your check
that will, if you choose to put them in ascending order,
allow you to contact me on my very old-school cellphone.
- Is that all right? - [Sighs]
Like manna from heaven.
I don't know. Is that... manna?
- Is that even right? - Something like that. "Man-a."
I'm not sure.
I meant it as a compliment.
I know.
Whoo. Whoo-hoo. Well,
- that's cheating fucker. - What's that?
- Talking to her when I'm not sitting here. - I wasn't.
Probably turned her against me or...
Can we just finish, please?
Or you told her you knew a bunch of black dudes...
- rich fucking black dudes with big cocks. - Stop.
I'm just saying, you know, that was not cool.
Eh, it doesn't matter.
- Yeah? Why is that? - Because it'd just be a repeat, anyway. It doesn't count.
What's that mean?
Because I already fucker her two months ago.
I was gonna try and pull a fast one on you, but you know what?
Hey, that wouldn't have been nice of me,
'cause here I am trying to turn over a new leaf.
- Right. - Mm-hmm.
- Did you honestly do that? - What?
Her? Oh, yeah.
I think it was. Yeah. I'm pretty sure it was her.
- Yeah. I'm pretty sure. - Yeah.
Still want to keep the bet?
- No, I don't. - I tell you what. It doesn't matter.
Do you want me to do the fat one instead?
Sometimes they're a little bit more difficult
to get into bed, right?
So we might have to sweeten the pot.
I'm not even gonna...
Come on. Which one? Which one?
[Clears throat] Ha ha!
Her. Tubby Wubby over there with the bangs.
Okay, if I'm gonna do her,
the dollar value definitely has to go up.
Okay. Yes.
I bet you can't sleep with the big girl over there.
- Beyoncé's a big girl. - Jennifer Lopez is a big girl.
That girl is like Adele.
She's a fucking cow, and I want numbers that reflect that.
- Christ. - Christ what?
Um...$500.
- For what? - I don't know. A blow job.
Blow job? I can get that here in the bathroom.
Come on! Make it interesting.
- Uh... - I get a shot of her twat
with my dick in it... action shot.
You give me $1,000 for it.
I don't know.
Come on! $1,000. Are you kidding me? Look at that.
Are you telling me that you would want to fuck her?
- [Chuckles] - No.
No. Great. Great. We on?
- Okay, fine. - Fine.
- Shit. - Shit.
- $1,000. - Fine. $1,000 it is.
All right. Okay. You're not gonna be just doing this
so you can get with the other one, huh?
Excuse me. Sweetheart.
Do me a favor, huh? [Clears throat]
Can you get this to that girl over there? What's her name?
- That's Suzie. - Suzie! All right.
Just give that to Suzie,
and bring us our check pronto, huh?
Thanks. All right.
Tell you what. Ha ha. Suzie.
Even her name sounds like a fucking milk cow.
The things I do for a fellow frat brother, right?
So we good?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean, I'll set up the interview.
- We can powwow about everything. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Help you on some key points. - I know, I know. I'm gonna go on TV.
I'm gonna act like a contrite pussy, right?
Alienate the rest of my fans and suck dick like
a good little soldier and hope for the best.
I meant about you and Bridgette.
Oh, yeah.
"Oh, yeah".
[Clears throat]
It is, uh, it's whatever. It is what it is.
She likes it over there in England?
[Babbles pretentiously]
Yep.
- She gonna stay? - For now.
- Uh-huh.
- Kids want to go visit. - Right.
Maybe Christmas or something. We'll see how we go then.
Christmas. Yeah. [Sets glass down] Sure.
She got a boyfriend?
Don't know.
She called to tell me that she filed her petition for divorce.
Oh-ho, wait a second. Really?
I'm sorry. You let her do that first?
- Yeah, I... - You're a fucking lawyer.
You're my lawyer, and you let her?
- I'm trying to be nice. - Ha ha!
Will wonders never cease?
- I'm sorry. Is it "never" or "ever"? - I don't know.
I hate the Bible. It's so fucking complicated.
- It is. - And Jesus, he never had to apologize
- for anything, either, right? - He never did anything wrong.
Oh. Yeah.
- That's true. - I mean, supposedly.
Yeah. It's still fucking convenient, right?
[Both laugh]
[Clears throat]
So, you want me to go with you when you
- fly to New York? - Yeah, sure. That would be great.
That'd be excellent. You sure you can make it?
Of course I can. You're my client.
Excellent! Thank you, Counselor! Huh?
I can run, uh, interference on Whoopi.
Perfect. That would be great.
You know, talk to her about her fucking shoes or something.
Better yet, tell her that your kids love fucking "Ghost."
That usually shuts her the fuck up.
- I'll give that a try. - Yeah. God. Thank god.
Oh fucking Hollywood, huh?
You cruel, cruel mistress.
You make us and you fucking break us, right?
- No shit. - But who knows? I mean,
maybe in a couple months,
I'll get a book deal out of all this, right?
Could be.
Let's hope.
You're a good guy, Stan.
A pretty good fucking guy for a lawyer.
You should have heard what Shakespeare said about you.
Yeah, what's that? Me personally?
He said a lot of shit but he doesn't like you guys.
- You should look it up. - Will do.
- Thanks. - Oh.
I'm your lawyer. I take you to lunch.
Oh, you know, life just isn't worth living
sometimes when you don't mix it up.
I already gave her the credit card.
Ooh.
[Scoffs lightly]
So, what do you think?
Think they're gonna give me a second chance, Counselor?
I don't know, but I think everyone deserves one.
- Even shitheads like you. - [Laughs]
I am not a shithead okay?
I just don't like being told what to do.
It's a childhood thing.
I blame daddy, all right?
You know, I tell you what. You should read my interview sometime.
- I will. Maybe on the plane. - Ha. Bullshit.
On the plane, we're gonna be making
bets on which flight attendant I'm gonna be
finger-blasting in the galley.
- [Cellphone vibrates] - Oh,
yes, it is.
It is gonna be a long night, huh?
Yeah, hello?
Oh.
Shit.
And then what?
You don't know? Hold on.
Something's up with the kid.
They think.
Oh fuck.
- synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -
So, if you don't hate gay people and you're not gay,
why do you talk so much shit about them in your act?
I don't know. I just...
Damon said he thought it was because
- something bad happened to you as a kid. - Shit!
I knew it was gonna be like this.
I knew you'd start bringing up stuff like that!
You asked me here, remember?!
You did!