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00:00:01,242 --> 00:00:04,111
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:04,542 --> 00:00:07,810
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:07,844 --> 00:00:11,381
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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00:00:11,415 --> 00:00:14,384
♪ On which we used to rely?
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00:00:14,418 --> 00:00:17,887
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
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00:00:17,922 --> 00:00:21,257
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us
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00:00:22,825 --> 00:00:24,126
♪ Laugh and cry
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00:00:24,160 --> 00:00:25,234
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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00:00:25,235 --> 00:00:29,235
♪ Family Guy 13x15 ♪
Once Bitten
Original Air Date on April 19, 2015
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00:00:29,236 --> 00:00:34,436
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
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TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to
yet another Indiana Jones movie.
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(hisses)
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00:00:39,241 --> 00:00:41,542
Snakes. Why did it
have to be snakes?
15
00:00:41,576 --> 00:00:43,077
Elderly potheads.
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00:00:43,111 --> 00:00:45,947
Why did it have to be
elderly potheads?
17
00:00:45,981 --> 00:00:48,515
Is everyone warm in here?
Is it warm?
18
00:00:48,550 --> 00:00:49,951
Brian, are you
feeling all right?
19
00:00:49,985 --> 00:00:51,718
Yeah, I'm fine. It
just seems kind of...
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00:00:51,753 --> 00:00:52,820
(retching loudly)
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00:00:52,854 --> 00:00:53,955
Oh, my God!
22
00:00:53,989 --> 00:00:55,556
Oh, Lois,
your dog threw up.
23
00:00:55,590 --> 00:00:57,324
Peter, Brian's clearly
not feeling well.
24
00:00:57,358 --> 00:00:59,259
You got to take him
to the vet.
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00:00:59,293 --> 00:01:00,961
Unbelievable!
Brian throws up once,
26
00:01:00,995 --> 00:01:02,762
and you rush him
to the vet.
27
00:01:02,796 --> 00:01:04,764
I was throwing up
all night last night.
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00:01:04,798 --> 00:01:06,532
Good start.
Keep it up, snack pack.
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00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:07,667
(chuckles)
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00:01:07,701 --> 00:01:08,969
(retching loudly)
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00:01:09,003 --> 00:01:10,803
Peter, you got
to take him now!
32
00:01:10,838 --> 00:01:12,638
L-Lois, it's probably
just something I ate.
33
00:01:12,673 --> 00:01:13,939
I-I'm fine.
Really.
34
00:01:13,974 --> 00:01:16,976
I-I got more energy than
a cruise ship conga line.
35
00:01:17,010 --> 00:01:18,810
♪ Horny on a big boat
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00:01:18,845 --> 00:01:20,612
♪ Horny
on a big boat! ♪
37
00:01:20,646 --> 00:01:23,282
I'm very sick
from lobster.
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00:01:27,854 --> 00:01:29,788
Brian, your blood work
shows that your liver
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00:01:29,822 --> 00:01:30,955
isn't functioning
properly.
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00:01:30,990 --> 00:01:32,756
Would you happen
to be a drinker?
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00:01:32,791 --> 00:01:35,159
Well, I don't know
if I'd label myself a drinker.
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00:01:35,194 --> 00:01:38,329
I know I like a cold beer
after I mow the lawn. (chuckles)
43
00:01:38,364 --> 00:01:40,531
There were three lies
in that sentence.
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00:01:40,565 --> 00:01:42,833
Brian, have you ever heard
of Lou Gehrig's disease?
45
00:01:42,868 --> 00:01:43,901
(gasps) Oh, no!
46
00:01:43,935 --> 00:01:46,304
Well, you have
Mickey Mantle's disease.
47
00:01:46,338 --> 00:01:50,173
Now, the most obvious step would
simply be to stop drinking.
48
00:01:50,208 --> 00:01:51,441
Or...?
49
00:01:51,476 --> 00:01:53,643
Well, we do have these pills
that may correct
50
00:01:53,677 --> 00:01:55,879
the enzyme imbalance in your liver.
Yeah, that one.
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00:01:55,913 --> 00:01:57,347
Okay, I'll be
in the waiting room
52
00:01:57,382 --> 00:01:59,182
barking at the fish
in the tank.
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00:01:59,217 --> 00:02:00,350
All right,
Mr. Griffin,
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00:02:00,385 --> 00:02:02,219
these pills will clear up
Brian's condition.
55
00:02:02,253 --> 00:02:05,421
But unfortunately, they only
come in suppository form.
56
00:02:05,455 --> 00:02:06,455
Uh...
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00:02:06,456 --> 00:02:08,257
It means they have
to be inserted
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00:02:08,291 --> 00:02:09,625
into the patient's anus.
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00:02:09,659 --> 00:02:12,395
(chuckles): Oh, you're a
dirty doctor, aren't you?
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00:02:12,429 --> 00:02:14,897
Mr. Griffin, I'm not joking--
or a doctor.
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00:02:14,931 --> 00:02:16,932
Now, you'll need
to administer these pills,
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00:02:16,966 --> 00:02:19,735
because no dog ever voluntarily
takes a suppository.
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00:02:19,769 --> 00:02:21,369
Well, one in ten does.
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00:02:21,404 --> 00:02:23,671
Oh, I know the one--
Brian's cousin Jasper.
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00:02:23,705 --> 00:02:25,306
His bum looks
like that guy
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00:02:25,341 --> 00:02:27,509
with a hundred cigarettes
in his mouth.
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00:02:35,817 --> 00:02:37,985
Hey, Chris, I noticed
you were sitting alone.
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00:02:38,020 --> 00:02:39,520
You mind if I join you?
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00:02:39,554 --> 00:02:41,155
Sure. We both
have hats.
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00:02:41,189 --> 00:02:43,157
Makes sense.
Oh, thanks.
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00:02:43,191 --> 00:02:45,792
Hey, can you check my back
for "kick me" signs?
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00:02:45,826 --> 00:02:47,994
Oh, yeah, you got
a couple. (chuckles)
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00:02:48,029 --> 00:02:50,130
This one says you're
a "dirty kick."
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00:02:50,165 --> 00:02:52,132
That doesn't say "kick,"
but thanks,
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I'll keep that one
for my lawsuit.
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00:02:54,402 --> 00:02:56,502
Boys, I got a
new home gym.
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00:02:56,537 --> 00:02:58,504
Why are you telling us that?
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00:02:58,539 --> 00:03:00,173
Just letting
people know.
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00:03:00,207 --> 00:03:03,709
Don't want anyone to get freaked
out by the transformation.
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00:03:03,743 --> 00:03:05,744
I got to say, it
feels kind of weird
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00:03:05,779 --> 00:03:07,447
having someone
join me for lunch.
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00:03:07,481 --> 00:03:08,881
Well, it's
only natural, Chris.
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00:03:08,915 --> 00:03:10,883
You and I are
social exiles.
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00:03:10,917 --> 00:03:13,685
We're the Khaleesi and
Jorah Mormont of this school.
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00:03:13,719 --> 00:03:16,188
Sure, I'll agree to keep
the conversation going.
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00:03:16,222 --> 00:03:19,458
Well, time to break out
my terrible Jewish bag lunch.
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00:03:19,492 --> 00:03:21,059
Let's see.
Smoked whitefish,
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00:03:21,094 --> 00:03:23,061
herring in cream sauce,
smoked sable--
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00:03:23,096 --> 00:03:24,729
that's a different kind
of whitefish--
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00:03:24,763 --> 00:03:27,665
and for dessert, the only
bad cookie in the world.
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00:03:27,700 --> 00:03:29,833
Hey, what's it like
buying food from school?
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00:03:29,867 --> 00:03:31,935
It's good. I know
everyone back there,
93
00:03:31,970 --> 00:03:33,971
so they let me drink
their corn water.
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00:03:34,005 --> 00:03:36,740
Boy, it's so great having
someone I can talk to.
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00:03:36,774 --> 00:03:38,242
I feel the same way, Chris.
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00:03:38,276 --> 00:03:40,744
I think you and I could
get along very nicely.
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00:03:40,778 --> 00:03:44,415
Yeah. We'll be a better team
than the Warsaw Globetrotters.
98
00:03:44,449 --> 00:03:45,949
(to "Sweet Georgia Brown"):
♪ Dribble, dribble, dribble
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00:03:45,984 --> 00:03:47,317
♪ Tuck in shirt
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00:03:47,351 --> 00:03:49,519
♪ Give to my friend
101
00:03:49,553 --> 00:03:51,053
♪ Spin on finger
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00:03:51,088 --> 00:03:52,489
♪ Two rotations
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00:03:52,523 --> 00:03:54,724
♪ Dream about window
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00:03:54,758 --> 00:03:57,260
♪ Put away basketball,
go to work ♪
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00:03:57,294 --> 00:04:00,463
♪ In calcium mine.
106
00:04:04,467 --> 00:04:06,502
All right, Brian,
it's time for you to take
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00:04:06,536 --> 00:04:08,137
one of these pills
from the vet.
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00:04:08,171 --> 00:04:10,305
Oh, yeah, right. Can we
do what we normally do,
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00:04:10,340 --> 00:04:12,141
where you roll it up
in a piece of cheese
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00:04:12,175 --> 00:04:13,742
like you're fooling me?
Yeah, I guess,
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00:04:13,776 --> 00:04:15,810
but then you're gonna
have cheese in your ass.
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00:04:15,845 --> 00:04:17,379
W-Wait, what?
Yeah, the doctor said
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00:04:17,413 --> 00:04:19,615
I got to give you
these pills the butt way.
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00:04:19,649 --> 00:04:21,449
Oh, no, no, no, no.
That is not happening.
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00:04:21,483 --> 00:04:23,451
No, no, no. I do not
go the butt way.
116
00:04:23,485 --> 00:04:25,052
Look, I know it sounds
a little rough,
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00:04:25,086 --> 00:04:27,555
but why don't we start with
a gentle massage of the area
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00:04:27,589 --> 00:04:28,722
and see how you feel?
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00:04:28,757 --> 00:04:30,158
Peter, get away from my ass!
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00:04:30,192 --> 00:04:32,693
(grunting)
Br-Brian! No!
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00:04:32,727 --> 00:04:35,563
Huh. Guess I'm just gonna
have to take him by surprise.
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00:04:35,597 --> 00:04:36,997
Shouldn't be too hard.
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00:04:37,032 --> 00:04:39,399
After all, I used to be
a Pete-in-the-box.
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00:04:39,433 --> 00:04:41,434
("Pop! Goes the Weasel" playing)
125
00:04:48,576 --> 00:04:51,711
(loud, gasping breaths)
126
00:04:51,745 --> 00:04:53,880
Goes the weasel!
127
00:04:57,050 --> 00:04:58,984
All right, if I'm gonna
give Brian his medicine,
128
00:04:59,018 --> 00:05:00,986
I should probably watch
that old episode of Lassie
129
00:05:01,020 --> 00:05:03,589
where Timmy has to give
her a suppository.
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00:05:06,059 --> 00:05:07,259
(barking)
131
00:05:07,294 --> 00:05:09,495
What's that, Lassie?
You feel sick?
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00:05:09,529 --> 00:05:12,129
What's wrong, girl?
133
00:05:12,164 --> 00:05:13,431
(barking)
134
00:05:13,465 --> 00:05:14,765
A supposi-what?
135
00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:17,034
What am I supposed
to do with it?
136
00:05:17,069 --> 00:05:18,269
(barking)
137
00:05:18,304 --> 00:05:19,770
Gosh. I...
138
00:05:19,805 --> 00:05:23,174
Well, if you're
in that much pain, I-I guess.
139
00:05:23,209 --> 00:05:24,775
Okay.
140
00:05:27,713 --> 00:05:30,247
(growling, barking)
141
00:05:30,281 --> 00:05:31,415
You were lying?
142
00:05:31,449 --> 00:05:32,849
You weren't
feeling sick?
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00:05:32,883 --> 00:05:34,284
I don't understand.
144
00:05:34,319 --> 00:05:36,386
Why did you want me
to do this?
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00:05:36,421 --> 00:05:38,021
(barking)
146
00:05:38,055 --> 00:05:40,023
What?!
He was in on it?
147
00:05:40,057 --> 00:05:41,692
It was just a prank?
148
00:05:41,726 --> 00:05:43,760
You guys are gross!
149
00:05:47,731 --> 00:05:49,865
Kids, everybody, family meeting!
150
00:05:49,899 --> 00:05:51,934
There's too much passing
gas in this house.
151
00:05:51,968 --> 00:05:54,370
So from now on, anytime
you got to cut one,
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00:05:54,404 --> 00:05:56,572
you pull your pants
down and you do it
153
00:05:56,607 --> 00:05:57,740
through this
fart hole.
154
00:05:57,774 --> 00:05:59,041
Are you insane?
155
00:05:59,075 --> 00:06:00,643
(whispering): Lois, it's
okay-- it's all a trick.
156
00:06:00,677 --> 00:06:03,245
As soon as Brian does it, I'm
gonna be on the other side,
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00:06:03,279 --> 00:06:04,812
and I'll stick
the suppository in.
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00:06:04,847 --> 00:06:06,414
No. Absolutely not.
159
00:06:06,449 --> 00:06:08,416
I am not living like this.
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00:06:08,451 --> 00:06:11,819
You think Morgan Fairchild
has a fart hole in her house?
161
00:06:11,854 --> 00:06:14,222
Morgan, the coq
Au vin is divine.
162
00:06:14,257 --> 00:06:15,890
But so rich.
163
00:06:15,924 --> 00:06:17,925
Will you excuse me?
164
00:06:22,029 --> 00:06:24,131
Where do our
Hollywood farts go?
165
00:06:24,165 --> 00:06:27,768
I've heard they're filtered
into Tom Sizemore's house.
166
00:06:27,802 --> 00:06:29,770
(farting)
167
00:06:29,804 --> 00:06:30,937
(sniffs)
168
00:06:30,972 --> 00:06:33,774
(sighs):
Ah... Morgan.
169
00:06:37,878 --> 00:06:39,512
Hey, no, no.
No, no, Brian.
170
00:06:39,546 --> 00:06:41,547
No, no. You win.
You win. I quit.
171
00:06:41,582 --> 00:06:43,549
It's your liver; you
do whatever you want.
172
00:06:43,584 --> 00:06:45,485
Well, thank you.
Yes, it is my liver,
173
00:06:45,519 --> 00:06:47,420
and I don't want
to take that pill.
174
00:06:47,454 --> 00:06:49,021
Fine. We're both
in agreement.
175
00:06:49,055 --> 00:06:50,790
So let's just
both watch TV.
176
00:06:50,824 --> 00:06:52,925
And nothing else.
Sounds good to me.
177
00:06:52,959 --> 00:06:55,160
I'm glad you think
it sounds good.
178
00:06:55,194 --> 00:06:57,228
(sighs)
179
00:06:57,263 --> 00:06:58,563
It's nice to watch TV
180
00:06:58,598 --> 00:07:00,599
when you have nothing
else to do, isn't it?
181
00:07:00,633 --> 00:07:01,800
Yeah.
182
00:07:01,834 --> 00:07:03,568
Get over here, you idiot!
Peter! What the hell?
183
00:07:03,603 --> 00:07:05,407
I'm still in charge of you!
Stop it! Get away from me!
184
00:07:05,408 --> 00:07:06,070
I'm a human!
185
00:07:06,071 --> 00:07:07,972
This is for your benefit,
so just go limp and take it!
186
00:07:08,007 --> 00:07:09,775
You touch my ass,
I swear to God I'll kill you!
187
00:07:09,809 --> 00:07:10,775
(grunting)
188
00:07:10,809 --> 00:07:11,909
(screams)
189
00:07:11,943 --> 00:07:13,043
(growls)
190
00:07:13,077 --> 00:07:14,478
(screams)
191
00:07:14,513 --> 00:07:16,280
Wha... What the hell?
192
00:07:16,315 --> 00:07:18,449
You... you bit me!
193
00:07:18,483 --> 00:07:20,184
You're damn right I did!
And I'll do it again
194
00:07:20,218 --> 00:07:21,952
if you don't stay
the hell away from my ass!
195
00:07:21,986 --> 00:07:23,854
But, Brian, the vet said...
(growls)
196
00:07:23,888 --> 00:07:25,155
(gasps)
197
00:07:25,190 --> 00:07:27,390
Wow, where did that come from?
198
00:07:27,425 --> 00:07:28,825
God, that was so intense.
199
00:07:28,859 --> 00:07:31,728
I feel more powerful
than a lesbian's crotch.
200
00:07:32,996 --> 00:07:35,498
Ooh, sorry, ma'am,
we don't valet motorcycles.
201
00:07:35,533 --> 00:07:37,367
Heh. Don't need to.
202
00:07:47,344 --> 00:07:48,977
Lois, can you pour
my juice?
203
00:07:49,011 --> 00:07:50,379
I can't lift my arm.
204
00:07:50,413 --> 00:07:52,348
I still can't believe
Brian bit you.
205
00:07:52,382 --> 00:07:54,182
It just doesn't
seem like him.
206
00:07:54,217 --> 00:07:56,184
Oh, yeah, 'cause you
know him so well.
207
00:07:56,219 --> 00:07:57,720
Shut your face.
208
00:08:00,523 --> 00:08:02,657
Oh. Uh... hey, Brian.
209
00:08:03,892 --> 00:08:06,361
Get out of that chair.
Leave the eggs.
210
00:08:06,395 --> 00:08:08,396
But this is my breakfast.
(growls)
211
00:08:08,430 --> 00:08:09,430
(screaming)
212
00:08:12,234 --> 00:08:15,069
(screaming continues)
213
00:08:15,103 --> 00:08:17,672
Honey, when did Peter Griffin
take up jogging?
214
00:08:17,706 --> 00:08:19,673
I don't know, dear.
By the way,
215
00:08:19,707 --> 00:08:22,376
we're the couple who lives
a few blocks away.
216
00:08:28,676 --> 00:08:31,078
TV ANNOUNCER: We now return
to an '80s teen movie
217
00:08:31,112 --> 00:08:32,846
at a realistic high school.
218
00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:34,915
You're going down at
that karate tournament.
219
00:08:34,949 --> 00:08:36,416
I don't think so.
220
00:08:36,450 --> 00:08:37,850
You guys do karate?
221
00:08:37,884 --> 00:08:39,952
You're both
(bleep) losers.
222
00:08:39,986 --> 00:08:42,455
(gasps)
Uh, morning, sir.
223
00:08:42,489 --> 00:08:44,623
So, Peter, I assume if
you're watching TV,
224
00:08:44,658 --> 00:08:46,859
that means you already
did all my chores?
225
00:08:46,893 --> 00:08:48,294
I-I sure did, sure did.
226
00:08:48,328 --> 00:08:50,496
I scared off the mailman,
threatened Quagmire's cat,
227
00:08:50,531 --> 00:08:52,532
and I even took
your bath for you.
228
00:08:52,566 --> 00:08:54,732
Now I'm just gonna reach
for the shampoo.
229
00:08:54,767 --> 00:08:56,535
No jumping out.
230
00:09:00,573 --> 00:09:02,140
STEWIE:
(screams) He's got Rupert!
231
00:09:02,175 --> 00:09:03,608
Hey, drop it.
Drop it.
232
00:09:03,642 --> 00:09:05,177
(deep voice):
Drop it.
233
00:09:05,211 --> 00:09:07,179
All right, I need you to
buy a birthday present
234
00:09:07,213 --> 00:09:09,981
for my friend Jeff-- he likes
the Packers and surfing.
235
00:09:10,015 --> 00:09:11,415
Enough is enough, Peter.
236
00:09:11,450 --> 00:09:13,750
The dog's not in charge
of this house.
237
00:09:13,785 --> 00:09:16,687
First thing tomorrow, I'm
taking Brian to obedience school
238
00:09:16,721 --> 00:09:18,922
so we can get him
back under control.
239
00:09:18,957 --> 00:09:21,492
You know, sending him to school
wouldn't be the worst idea.
240
00:09:21,526 --> 00:09:24,861
He might even enjoy it.
I know I had a blast in college.
241
00:09:24,896 --> 00:09:27,730
Man, I love college.
So many chicks, so many parties.
242
00:09:27,764 --> 00:09:29,299
(chuckles):
Yeah, totally.
243
00:09:29,333 --> 00:09:31,334
I'm supposed to meet
the R.A. for coffee
244
00:09:31,368 --> 00:09:33,069
later in the common room,
but until then,
245
00:09:33,104 --> 00:09:35,004
I'm just gonna walk around
with my shower caddy
246
00:09:35,038 --> 00:09:37,873
and see what people wrote
on their whiteboards.
247
00:09:41,812 --> 00:09:45,147
Uh, before I touch anything,
is this a nut-free counter?
248
00:09:45,181 --> 00:09:48,550
I don't know-- my dad's might
have been on there this morning.
249
00:09:48,585 --> 00:09:49,918
Oh, hey, Meg.
250
00:09:49,952 --> 00:09:53,155
I saw you stomp that pigeon
today with your bare foot.
251
00:09:53,189 --> 00:09:54,856
Pretty powerful stuff.
252
00:09:54,890 --> 00:09:57,626
Thanks. I don't like losing
any part of my lunch.
253
00:09:57,660 --> 00:10:00,162
Look, I'd love to stay and talk,
Neil, but I have homework,
254
00:10:00,196 --> 00:10:02,296
and there was no toilet paper
in the girls' bathroom.
255
00:10:02,331 --> 00:10:04,698
Well, while you freshen up,
maybe I could help you get
256
00:10:04,733 --> 00:10:06,100
a head start
on that homework.
257
00:10:06,135 --> 00:10:07,268
You'd do that?
258
00:10:07,302 --> 00:10:09,003
Wow, that'd be great!
259
00:10:09,037 --> 00:10:12,306
Wait, Neil, I thought you and I
were gonna go find unlocked cars
260
00:10:12,341 --> 00:10:14,041
and pretend
we're driving them.
261
00:10:14,075 --> 00:10:17,111
Sorry, Chris.
Booty calls.
262
00:10:17,146 --> 00:10:18,512
What was that all about?
263
00:10:18,546 --> 00:10:21,047
Well, I guess
I have to do it by myself.
264
00:10:23,017 --> 00:10:25,852
Boy, this light
is taking forever!
265
00:10:26,854 --> 00:10:29,189
Please get out.
I never drive this car.
266
00:10:29,223 --> 00:10:31,158
My wife died in it.
267
00:10:37,096 --> 00:10:39,565
Listen up, maggots,
you're in my house now!
268
00:10:39,599 --> 00:10:41,367
There are no belly
scratches here!
269
00:10:41,401 --> 00:10:43,068
There are no table scraps!
270
00:10:43,102 --> 00:10:44,736
What we have here are good dogs!
271
00:10:44,771 --> 00:10:47,206
No bandana-wearing,
Frisbee-catching hippie dogs!
272
00:10:47,240 --> 00:10:50,342
No parking lot, hind-leg dancing
YouTube dogs!
273
00:10:50,377 --> 00:10:53,645
No crime solving, camera
mugging Scooby Dooby dogs!
274
00:10:53,679 --> 00:10:55,046
Oh, no Scooby Doo, huh?
275
00:10:55,080 --> 00:10:56,514
Ruh-roh.
276
00:10:56,549 --> 00:10:58,683
Oh, it seems we got
us a comedy dog.
277
00:10:58,717 --> 00:11:01,152
Are you Kathy Griffin?
'Cause I ain't laughing.
278
00:11:01,187 --> 00:11:02,654
So maybe you are
Kathy Griffin.
279
00:11:02,688 --> 00:11:04,222
Or maybe you're
that comedy dog
280
00:11:04,256 --> 00:11:06,324
with Robert Smigel's
hand up your backside.
281
00:11:06,358 --> 00:11:08,359
Well, let me tell you
something, comedy dog.
282
00:11:08,394 --> 00:11:10,093
You're here for
me to poop on!
283
00:11:10,127 --> 00:11:11,961
All right, first of all,
it seems like
284
00:11:11,996 --> 00:11:14,531
you have a lot of opinions
about a lot of comedians.
285
00:11:14,566 --> 00:11:15,765
And second of all... Ow!
286
00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:17,634
That hurts!
- That's right.
287
00:11:17,669 --> 00:11:19,736
Silent and terrible,
like The Artist.
288
00:11:19,770 --> 00:11:21,705
I watch a lot of
TV and movies.
289
00:11:21,739 --> 00:11:24,040
I am your media-savvy
worst nightmare!
290
00:11:24,075 --> 00:11:26,742
Now, down on all fours
like the rest of them!
291
00:11:26,776 --> 00:11:29,445
That's right, we got ways
to break your spirit!
292
00:11:29,479 --> 00:11:34,016
In fact, you seem like a
prime candidate for The Chair.
293
00:11:34,050 --> 00:11:36,385
(classical music playing,
electricity crackling)
294
00:11:36,420 --> 00:11:37,953
(vacuum whirring)
295
00:11:39,690 --> 00:11:41,324
(grunting)
296
00:11:42,992 --> 00:11:45,059
(screaming)
297
00:11:46,095 --> 00:11:48,830
Honey, did you hear
a dog scream?
298
00:11:48,864 --> 00:11:50,832
Yes, I did, dear.
299
00:11:50,866 --> 00:11:53,868
Our summer cabin is near
the obedience school.
300
00:11:58,006 --> 00:12:00,074
Move along.
Got to keep the hallway clear.
301
00:12:00,109 --> 00:12:02,042
This isn't because
of my divorce.
302
00:12:02,076 --> 00:12:03,477
Good for him.
303
00:12:03,511 --> 00:12:06,179
He actually followed through.
304
00:12:07,882 --> 00:12:09,983
What the hell? Again?
305
00:12:10,017 --> 00:12:11,685
Thanks for doing
my book report, Neil.
306
00:12:11,720 --> 00:12:13,854
And I didn't even have
to change the handwriting,
307
00:12:13,888 --> 00:12:15,389
'cause you write
like a girl.
308
00:12:15,423 --> 00:12:17,323
You should see me throw.
309
00:12:17,358 --> 00:12:19,992
Listen, Meg, would you want
to go to a movie sometime?
310
00:12:20,026 --> 00:12:22,027
You know what?
311
00:12:22,062 --> 00:12:24,029
I'd like that.
It's a date.
312
00:12:24,064 --> 00:12:26,165
Okay, well, I'll, uh...
I'll see you later.
313
00:12:26,199 --> 00:12:28,067
Home Ec just got out.
314
00:12:28,101 --> 00:12:30,102
I'm gonna go lick
all their bowls.
315
00:12:31,338 --> 00:12:33,906
Hey, Neil.
Oh, h-hey, Chris.
316
00:12:33,940 --> 00:12:37,041
You sure are spending a lot
of time with my sister lately.
317
00:12:37,076 --> 00:12:38,910
You know, if I didn't
know better,
318
00:12:38,944 --> 00:12:40,945
I'd think
that fish are ghosts.
319
00:12:40,980 --> 00:12:43,882
And I'd also think
you're putting the moves on Meg.
320
00:12:43,916 --> 00:12:45,417
(sighs)
321
00:12:45,451 --> 00:12:48,553
Listen, Chris, you're my
friend, so I have to confess.
322
00:12:48,588 --> 00:12:50,789
My sitting with you
at lunch was part
323
00:12:50,823 --> 00:12:53,691
of a carefully laid-out plan
to get close to your sister.
324
00:12:53,725 --> 00:12:55,626
What?!
Look, I know it sounds terrible.
325
00:12:55,661 --> 00:12:58,729
But-but still, we've had
some good times together.
326
00:12:58,764 --> 00:13:01,632
We even got Sean Penn
to dress up as my dad.
327
00:13:04,169 --> 00:13:06,937
Go away! I never want
to talk to you again!
328
00:13:08,339 --> 00:13:09,906
God, I should have known it.
329
00:13:09,940 --> 00:13:11,374
I feel more betrayed
330
00:13:11,409 --> 00:13:14,210
than when I thought
that lawyer was gonna propose.
331
00:13:14,244 --> 00:13:15,978
So you did
commit the murder?
332
00:13:16,013 --> 00:13:17,547
Uh-huh.
333
00:13:17,581 --> 00:13:19,916
And you admit it here
in front of everyone?
334
00:13:19,950 --> 00:13:21,484
Uh-huh.
335
00:13:21,519 --> 00:13:23,820
No further questions,
Your Honor.
336
00:13:23,854 --> 00:13:26,154
Wait. No further questions?
337
00:13:26,189 --> 00:13:30,158
Motion to have the last eight
years stricken from the record!
338
00:13:33,996 --> 00:13:35,597
(doorbell rings)
339
00:13:38,267 --> 00:13:39,835
Hey, Brian,
you're back!
340
00:13:39,869 --> 00:13:42,003
Come on in.
In... inside?
341
00:13:42,038 --> 00:13:43,938
Are-are...
are you sure?
342
00:13:43,972 --> 00:13:45,573
Yeah, what-what...
yeah, what do you think,
343
00:13:45,607 --> 00:13:47,475
I'm gonna make you
stay in the yard?
344
00:13:47,509 --> 00:13:49,510
Get in here.
345
00:13:51,079 --> 00:13:55,015
Sir, if it takes the rest of
my life, I will repay you.
346
00:13:55,050 --> 00:13:56,351
Who's this puss?
347
00:13:56,385 --> 00:13:58,219
Oh, no, no, no,
I'm-I'm not a cat.
348
00:13:58,253 --> 00:14:00,286
I'm-I'm a dog.
I'm your pet.
349
00:14:00,321 --> 00:14:02,456
And-and I'm just happy
to be here.
350
00:14:02,490 --> 00:14:04,524
Brian, what did they do
to you at that school?
351
00:14:04,559 --> 00:14:06,626
You're-you're
so... submissive.
352
00:14:06,661 --> 00:14:08,962
Yes, looks like someone's
gone at him with a "hwhip."
353
00:14:08,996 --> 00:14:11,798
That is... that is a perfectly
valid way of saying that.
354
00:14:11,833 --> 00:14:13,800
Bravo, Master.
Master?
355
00:14:13,835 --> 00:14:17,570
And a surprisingly quick
erection for Stewie.
356
00:14:24,135 --> 00:14:26,103
There you go.
357
00:14:26,137 --> 00:14:27,314
You-you look
very dapper, sir.
358
00:14:27,315 --> 00:14:28,548
Thanks, Brian.
359
00:14:28,583 --> 00:14:30,150
God, I love the new you.
360
00:14:30,184 --> 00:14:32,385
That obedience school really
schooled you in obedience.
361
00:14:32,420 --> 00:14:33,653
(gasps)
362
00:14:33,687 --> 00:14:35,354
That's why it's
called that!
363
00:14:35,388 --> 00:14:38,224
Permission to take fast,
tiny bites of my own tail, sir?
364
00:14:38,258 --> 00:14:40,259
Granted.
365
00:14:40,293 --> 00:14:41,961
You're wearing a bow tie?
366
00:14:41,996 --> 00:14:43,395
What's the occasion?
367
00:14:43,430 --> 00:14:44,631
No occasion, Lois.
368
00:14:44,665 --> 00:14:46,633
I just want to piss
a couple of guys off.
369
00:14:46,667 --> 00:14:48,134
What the hell are you doing?
370
00:14:48,168 --> 00:14:49,869
You think you're
better than us?
371
00:14:49,903 --> 00:14:52,203
No way you tied
that on your own.
372
00:14:56,709 --> 00:14:58,243
I'm glad we got here early.
373
00:14:58,277 --> 00:14:59,678
I like to watch
the previews.
374
00:14:59,712 --> 00:15:03,115
Yeah, and also the friendly
warning about theater shootings.
375
00:15:03,149 --> 00:15:04,449
(upbeat music plays)
376
00:15:04,483 --> 00:15:07,218
♪ Don't get shot by a bullet
377
00:15:07,253 --> 00:15:09,720
♪ Don't get shot
by a bullet ♪
378
00:15:09,755 --> 00:15:12,723
♪ Keep your wits about you
379
00:15:12,758 --> 00:15:15,693
♪ This place used to be fun!
380
00:15:15,727 --> 00:15:17,461
You know, this is nice.
381
00:15:17,495 --> 00:15:19,596
It's actually the first time
I've been on a date
382
00:15:19,631 --> 00:15:21,165
since I got the nickname
Gutterball.
383
00:15:21,199 --> 00:15:22,533
It is nice.
384
00:15:22,567 --> 00:15:24,135
Here, hold still.
385
00:15:25,169 --> 00:15:27,170
Make a wish.
386
00:15:28,172 --> 00:15:30,073
What did you wish for?
387
00:15:30,107 --> 00:15:31,474
This.
388
00:15:34,545 --> 00:15:37,914
You used me just so
you could date my sister!
389
00:15:37,948 --> 00:15:39,883
Oh, my God! Chris?!
390
00:15:39,917 --> 00:15:41,217
I'm so sorry!
391
00:15:41,251 --> 00:15:43,018
Oh, what have I done?!
392
00:15:43,053 --> 00:15:45,087
Aw, crap.
393
00:15:45,121 --> 00:15:46,722
Okay, Dad, you got us in.
394
00:15:46,756 --> 00:15:48,557
Now just go.
395
00:15:53,396 --> 00:15:55,363
Cleveland,
what are you looking at?
396
00:15:55,398 --> 00:15:56,732
I'm on edge.
397
00:15:56,766 --> 00:15:58,700
Saw Halloween II
last night.
398
00:15:58,734 --> 00:15:59,867
Brian, go outside.
399
00:15:59,902 --> 00:16:01,368
Keep guard
for Michael Myers.
400
00:16:01,403 --> 00:16:03,537
If he seem like he
dead, he ain't dead!
401
00:16:03,572 --> 00:16:04,939
Boy, Peter, seems like
402
00:16:04,973 --> 00:16:06,774
that obedience school
did wonders for Brian.
403
00:16:06,809 --> 00:16:08,176
Oh, yeah, it's great.
404
00:16:08,210 --> 00:16:10,144
He'll do anything
I tell him to now.
405
00:16:10,179 --> 00:16:11,645
Maybe I should
send Bonnie.
406
00:16:11,680 --> 00:16:13,681
(laughing)
407
00:16:16,450 --> 00:16:18,384
Oh. Oh, my!
408
00:16:18,419 --> 00:16:20,653
(laughing)
409
00:16:20,688 --> 00:16:22,355
All right, somebody
say something else.
410
00:16:22,389 --> 00:16:25,125
No. You need to know
what you did.
411
00:16:29,097 --> 00:16:30,330
(slurring):
Hey, Brian, you know...
412
00:16:30,364 --> 00:16:31,698
you know what we should do?
413
00:16:31,733 --> 00:16:33,933
Let's you and me go pee
in Meg's bed.
414
00:16:33,967 --> 00:16:35,735
That's-that's always fun.
415
00:16:35,769 --> 00:16:37,069
Pee in her bed?
416
00:16:37,104 --> 00:16:38,938
I-I... I could never do that.
417
00:16:38,972 --> 00:16:40,906
That-that... that'd be
peeing in the house,
418
00:16:40,941 --> 00:16:42,407
and that's-that's...
that's bad dog stuff.
419
00:16:42,442 --> 00:16:44,110
That-that's not good dog stuff!
420
00:16:44,144 --> 00:16:46,278
Wait. What?
What are you talking about?
421
00:16:46,312 --> 00:16:48,748
Forgive me for speaking
out of turn, sir,
422
00:16:48,782 --> 00:16:51,216
but you sent me to that
school to change me.
423
00:16:51,250 --> 00:16:52,951
It was your turn,
wasn't it?
424
00:16:52,985 --> 00:16:54,953
First, I went,
and you went?
425
00:16:54,987 --> 00:16:56,621
We best get you
to bed, sir.
426
00:16:56,655 --> 00:16:58,422
Oh, come on, Brian.
It's still early.
427
00:16:58,457 --> 00:17:00,625
Let's just... let's go throw
potatoes at Cleveland's house.
428
00:17:00,659 --> 00:17:01,726
You go ahead.
429
00:17:01,761 --> 00:17:03,494
I've got to go make
the waffle fries
430
00:17:03,528 --> 00:17:06,164
that you scream-requested
in the car.
431
00:17:06,198 --> 00:17:08,498
Geez, what the hell
happened to him?
432
00:17:08,532 --> 00:17:12,136
We used to be so close,
but now we seem so different.
433
00:17:12,170 --> 00:17:13,403
Like a whale
434
00:17:13,437 --> 00:17:16,339
and his developmentally-disabled
brother.
435
00:17:17,375 --> 00:17:18,742
(crowd oohs)
436
00:17:20,245 --> 00:17:21,812
Hi, guys!
437
00:17:23,047 --> 00:17:26,415
Get in my mouth,
you hundreds of fish.
438
00:17:29,953 --> 00:17:33,555
MAN (over radio): A record crowd
of 65 people turned out
439
00:17:33,590 --> 00:17:35,324
for Free Jerky Stick Night.
440
00:17:35,358 --> 00:17:37,426
Hey, that sounds
pretty good to me.
441
00:17:37,460 --> 00:17:39,428
Traffic on 146 is backed up
all the way
442
00:17:39,462 --> 00:17:40,429
to Mineral Spring Avenue...
443
00:17:40,463 --> 00:17:42,430
What do you want, Neil?
444
00:17:42,464 --> 00:17:44,299
And why are you
playing the news?
445
00:17:44,333 --> 00:17:45,667
Oh, it's an old boom box.
446
00:17:45,701 --> 00:17:46,968
I don't own any cassettes,
447
00:17:47,003 --> 00:17:49,304
so I just have to play
whatever's on the radio.
448
00:17:49,338 --> 00:17:51,372
Shouldn't you be out with Meg?
449
00:17:51,407 --> 00:17:54,009
Look, Chris,
I-I'm sorry I lied to you,
450
00:17:54,043 --> 00:17:56,878
but I'd still like
to be friends, and I hope...
451
00:17:56,913 --> 00:17:59,213
I'm sorry.
I have to put the boom box down.
452
00:17:59,247 --> 00:18:01,148
The D batteries
make it very heavy.
453
00:18:01,183 --> 00:18:02,582
Neil! There you are!
454
00:18:02,617 --> 00:18:04,285
What the hell
is your problem?!
455
00:18:04,319 --> 00:18:05,820
I finally give
you a shot,
456
00:18:05,854 --> 00:18:07,988
and you abandon me
in a movie theater?!
457
00:18:15,595 --> 00:18:17,096
I'm sorry, Meg,
458
00:18:17,131 --> 00:18:19,699
but my friendship
with Chris is more important.
459
00:18:19,733 --> 00:18:22,268
You're a jerk, Neil!
460
00:18:22,303 --> 00:18:23,903
So what do you say, Chris?
461
00:18:23,938 --> 00:18:25,404
Can we hang out again?
462
00:18:25,439 --> 00:18:28,341
Yeah. I'd like that, Neil.
463
00:18:28,375 --> 00:18:30,576
Great. See you tomorrow.
464
00:18:34,580 --> 00:18:36,548
(thumping)
465
00:18:38,852 --> 00:18:40,919
This is 'cause I'm drunk!
466
00:18:40,954 --> 00:18:43,222
CLEVELAND:
Move out, Irish trash!
467
00:18:48,527 --> 00:18:50,962
Hey, Lois, you noticed
ever since Brian came back
468
00:18:50,996 --> 00:18:53,331
from obedience school
that things have been weird?
469
00:18:53,365 --> 00:18:54,866
What do you mean?
470
00:18:54,900 --> 00:18:56,767
Well, he just lets me
order him around,
471
00:18:56,801 --> 00:18:59,403
and he-he never wants to do
fun stuff together like before.
472
00:18:59,437 --> 00:19:01,739
I mean, the thing I always
loved about Brian was
473
00:19:01,773 --> 00:19:03,807
that he wasn't just a pet.
474
00:19:03,842 --> 00:19:04,976
He was a friend.
475
00:19:05,010 --> 00:19:07,277
And I miss that friend.
476
00:19:07,311 --> 00:19:10,480
I think we just have to accept
that this is how he is now.
477
00:19:10,514 --> 00:19:12,282
Don't forget,
he bit you, Peter.
478
00:19:12,316 --> 00:19:14,117
I mean, what if he bit Stewie?
479
00:19:14,151 --> 00:19:15,952
STEWIE: How about
you bite me, bitch?
480
00:19:15,987 --> 00:19:17,553
Wait a minute. You're right!
481
00:19:17,588 --> 00:19:19,422
He bit me!
482
00:19:19,456 --> 00:19:21,424
I know what I got to do.
483
00:19:22,593 --> 00:19:24,459
STEWIE: I'm sorry.
Was that too harsh?
484
00:19:24,494 --> 00:19:26,728
It sounded more
playful in my head.
485
00:19:33,836 --> 00:19:35,204
(quietly):
I'm sorry, Brian,
486
00:19:35,238 --> 00:19:37,806
but I'm doing this in
the name of friendship.
487
00:19:41,310 --> 00:19:43,011
(barking)
488
00:19:43,045 --> 00:19:45,346
Ah, damn it!
What the hell, Peter?!
489
00:19:45,381 --> 00:19:47,382
(gasping)
Oh, my God.
490
00:19:47,416 --> 00:19:49,017
Oh, my God, I bit you!
491
00:19:49,051 --> 00:19:50,285
I'm-I'm so sorry, sir!
492
00:19:50,319 --> 00:19:52,120
No, no, no, it's
okay! It's okay!
493
00:19:52,154 --> 00:19:53,454
Don't you see, Brian?
494
00:19:53,488 --> 00:19:54,789
That's the
appropriate response
495
00:19:54,823 --> 00:19:56,457
if anyone gets
near your anus.
496
00:19:56,491 --> 00:19:59,059
Look, we were wrong
to try to change you.
497
00:19:59,093 --> 00:20:00,961
I-I just want
the old you back.
498
00:20:00,995 --> 00:20:02,296
You do?
499
00:20:02,330 --> 00:20:04,298
But-but I was a bad dog.
500
00:20:04,332 --> 00:20:06,866
I know, but that's what I
liked about you, you know?
501
00:20:06,901 --> 00:20:09,436
You were fun, we got into
trouble together, we got...
502
00:20:09,470 --> 00:20:11,838
Uh-oh. Uh-oh. I just rubbed
my eye with this finger.
503
00:20:11,872 --> 00:20:13,573
Am I gonna be okay?
Am I gonna be okay?
504
00:20:13,607 --> 00:20:14,807
Wait, how do
you get pinkeye?
505
00:20:14,841 --> 00:20:16,442
Oh, God, this has
got to be it.
506
00:20:16,476 --> 00:20:19,979
Peter, I want things back
the way they were, too.
507
00:20:20,013 --> 00:20:21,380
That's what I want!
508
00:20:21,415 --> 00:20:23,649
Look, I'm really sorry
I bit you.
509
00:20:23,683 --> 00:20:24,883
Oh, forget all that.
510
00:20:24,918 --> 00:20:27,486
I'm just happy
to have my best friend back.
511
00:20:27,520 --> 00:20:29,721
I missed you, Brian.
512
00:20:29,756 --> 00:20:33,291
I've missed you, too, Peter.
513
00:20:33,326 --> 00:20:35,293
Welcome back, buddy.
514
00:20:35,328 --> 00:20:41,828
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
515
00:20:44,036 --> 00:20:46,838
And now I'm gonna go upstairs
and pee in Meg's bed.
516
00:20:46,872 --> 00:20:48,072
No.
517
00:20:48,106 --> 00:20:50,240
We're gonna go pee
in Meg's bed.
518
00:20:50,275 --> 00:20:52,576
Good boy.
519
00:20:52,610 --> 00:20:54,044
Hey, what's up?
520
00:20:54,079 --> 00:20:56,480
I didn't know we could do finger
stuff in the public rooms.