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00:00:01,549 --> 00:00:04,809
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,881 --> 00:00:08,144
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:08,179 --> 00:00:11,706
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,748 --> 00:00:14,720
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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00:00:14,754 --> 00:00:18,241
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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00:00:18,275 --> 00:00:21,548
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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00:00:21,582 --> 00:00:23,147
♪ All the things that make us ♪
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00:00:23,181 --> 00:00:24,482
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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00:00:24,516 --> 00:00:25,153
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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00:00:25,154 --> 00:00:30,154
♪ Family Guy 13x16 ♪
Roasted Guy
Original Air Date on April 26, 2015
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00:00:30,155 --> 00:00:36,655
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
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We now return to
Deejay Butcher.
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00:00:40,496 --> 00:00:41,957
♪ ♪
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Hey, bro!
15
00:00:43,493 --> 00:00:46,459
Hey! You requesting a song or
ordering some sliced meat?
16
00:00:46,501 --> 00:00:48,795
Meat! Half a pound
of turkey, please.
17
00:00:48,829 --> 00:00:50,127
You want a sample?
18
00:00:50,161 --> 00:00:51,800
You mean like
a slice of turkey,
19
00:00:51,834 --> 00:00:54,134
or like a short section
of one musical recording
20
00:00:54,168 --> 00:00:56,797
that's been digitally repurposed
to be part of a new song?
21
00:00:56,831 --> 00:00:57,831
I don't know.
22
00:00:57,837 --> 00:00:59,799
I might quit this job.
23
00:00:59,833 --> 00:01:01,859
God, late-night TV
is all terrible.
24
00:01:01,893 --> 00:01:03,526
Oh, we don't have
to watch this.
25
00:01:03,560 --> 00:01:05,922
We could turn to channel 875
and watch Conan.
26
00:01:05,956 --> 00:01:07,654
Here, let me see
what else is on.
27
00:01:10,355 --> 00:01:13,148
In honor of Sammy,
on the bus ride over here,
28
00:01:13,183 --> 00:01:14,651
we all sat in the back.
29
00:01:18,290 --> 00:01:20,255
Lucille Ball was
back there with us,
30
00:01:20,289 --> 00:01:22,257
and I saw her smoking a Cuban.
31
00:01:22,291 --> 00:01:24,123
Then Desi zipped up his fly.
32
00:01:26,860 --> 00:01:28,465
Whose wedding is this?
33
00:01:28,499 --> 00:01:29,833
It's hilarious.
34
00:01:29,867 --> 00:01:31,629
Peter, it's not a wedding,
it's an infomercial
35
00:01:31,663 --> 00:01:33,490
for The Dean Martin
Celebrity Roasts.
36
00:01:33,532 --> 00:01:35,332
Wait, you mean Comedy Central
didn't invent those?
37
00:01:35,366 --> 00:01:36,331
No.
38
00:01:36,365 --> 00:01:37,498
Well, what about funny news?
39
00:01:37,532 --> 00:01:38,496
Did they invent that?
40
00:01:38,530 --> 00:01:39,494
N-Not really.
41
00:01:39,528 --> 00:01:40,661
But they invented comedy.
42
00:01:40,695 --> 00:01:41,827
They didn't
invent anything.
43
00:01:41,861 --> 00:01:44,159
Well, they centralized it,
that we know.
44
00:01:44,193 --> 00:01:45,494
Man, look at these people.
45
00:01:45,528 --> 00:01:46,661
They don't breathe.
46
00:01:46,695 --> 00:01:48,330
They just drink
and smoke and laugh.
47
00:01:48,364 --> 00:01:49,392
I want to do that.
48
00:01:49,426 --> 00:01:50,466
What are you
talking about?
49
00:01:50,498 --> 00:01:51,663
You want to
have a roast?
50
00:01:51,697 --> 00:01:53,328
Yeah! Look, he's the man
of the hour.
51
00:01:53,362 --> 00:01:54,327
Everybody loves him.
52
00:01:54,361 --> 00:01:55,830
They got his picture
in a circle.
53
00:01:55,864 --> 00:01:56,997
How do they do that?
54
00:01:57,031 --> 00:01:59,130
Pictures come in squares.
55
00:02:03,173 --> 00:02:04,803
Hey, Cleveland,
how tall are you?
56
00:02:04,837 --> 00:02:05,802
I don't know.
57
00:02:05,836 --> 00:02:07,800
Cadillac come up
to about here on me.
58
00:02:07,842 --> 00:02:09,805
All right, so I guess I am
the tallest one of us.
59
00:02:09,839 --> 00:02:11,602
What are you talking
about? I'm six-two.
60
00:02:11,636 --> 00:02:13,631
Says so right here on
my driver's license.
61
00:02:13,665 --> 00:02:14,825
Yeah, that-that
doesn't count.
62
00:02:14,832 --> 00:02:15,832
Why not?
63
00:02:15,838 --> 00:02:17,129
You're gonna
make me say it?
64
00:02:17,163 --> 00:02:18,463
Lay me out
on the floor.
65
00:02:18,497 --> 00:02:19,798
I'm six-two.
66
00:02:19,832 --> 00:02:20,798
Hey, you guys.
67
00:02:20,832 --> 00:02:22,270
Peter, how tall am I?
68
00:02:22,304 --> 00:02:24,135
I don't know,
how tall is a mailbox?
69
00:02:24,169 --> 00:02:25,471
You're about
a mailbox.
70
00:02:25,505 --> 00:02:27,807
But listen, I-I want
you guys to roast me.
71
00:02:27,841 --> 00:02:29,808
What, you mean
like they do on TV?
72
00:02:29,842 --> 00:02:31,975
That's right, I want to be
the man of the hour.
73
00:02:32,009 --> 00:02:34,477
And I want all my pals
to give me a good ribbing.
74
00:02:34,511 --> 00:02:36,812
Can we work blue,
like Marlin Johnson?
75
00:02:36,846 --> 00:02:39,313
♪ Oh-ee, oh-ee,
hey-yo, ha. ♪
76
00:02:39,347 --> 00:02:41,215
Oh, you know
it, homey!
77
00:02:42,248 --> 00:02:44,213
Huh, all right,
that could be fun.
78
00:02:44,247 --> 00:02:46,547
Great. And you fellas
shouldn't pull any punches.
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00:02:46,581 --> 00:02:47,714
Just let me have it.
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00:02:47,748 --> 00:02:49,048
Nothing is off-limits.
81
00:02:49,082 --> 00:02:50,479
Geez, Peter,
you're more excited
82
00:02:50,513 --> 00:02:52,646
than Adrian Peterson
at an arboretum.
83
00:02:52,680 --> 00:02:55,316
Daddy, what kind
of tree is that?
84
00:02:55,350 --> 00:02:59,483
Man, I want to beat you
with so many things around here.
85
00:03:05,863 --> 00:03:08,496
Ladies and gentlemen
and people who have wandered in
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00:03:08,538 --> 00:03:10,502
from the Chinese wedding
next door,
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00:03:10,537 --> 00:03:12,836
welcome to the roast
of Peter Griffin,
88
00:03:12,870 --> 00:03:15,801
with your roast master
Glenn Quagmire.
89
00:03:17,505 --> 00:03:19,145
Thank you, thank you,
thank you very much.
90
00:03:19,168 --> 00:03:20,797
Joe, I'd tell you
to take your seat,
91
00:03:20,839 --> 00:03:23,203
but I'd be
about 15 years too late.
92
00:03:26,434 --> 00:03:28,071
Ha! And we're off.
93
00:03:28,105 --> 00:03:31,074
Well, what can I say about the
man of the hour, Peter Griffin?
94
00:03:31,107 --> 00:03:32,578
Oh, boy, here
it comes.
95
00:03:32,612 --> 00:03:34,912
Well, first off,
Peter's always been special.
96
00:03:34,946 --> 00:03:36,575
In high school,
he didn't play sports,
97
00:03:36,609 --> 00:03:37,848
but he did wear a helmet.
98
00:03:41,925 --> 00:03:43,220
All right, that's kind of funny.
99
00:03:43,254 --> 00:03:44,556
Tough, but fair.
100
00:03:44,590 --> 00:03:47,061
You know, Peter, I love
your chin, but I got to ask.
101
00:03:47,095 --> 00:03:48,397
What's it like
going through life
102
00:03:48,431 --> 00:03:50,062
with a scrotum
so close to your mouth?
103
00:03:50,103 --> 00:03:51,103
You know what, hold on.
104
00:03:51,104 --> 00:03:52,335
I'll just ask
your teenage daughter.
105
00:03:55,610 --> 00:03:58,176
That... that's inappropriate.
106
00:03:58,210 --> 00:04:00,175
You know, Peter's
challenging the stereotype
107
00:04:00,209 --> 00:04:02,446
of Irish guys being fat,
drunk and stupid
108
00:04:02,480 --> 00:04:05,349
by throwing "a little gay"
in there, too.
109
00:04:06,751 --> 00:04:08,717
Oh, nice, homophobia.
110
00:04:08,751 --> 00:04:11,386
But I got to say, the worst part
of being Peter's friend is
111
00:04:11,420 --> 00:04:13,048
knowing that eventually
you're gonna have to be
112
00:04:13,082 --> 00:04:14,383
the fat-ass's pallbearer.
113
00:04:14,417 --> 00:04:16,283
Lift with the legs,
right fellas?
114
00:04:20,785 --> 00:04:23,582
P-People think I'm fat?
115
00:04:23,616 --> 00:04:25,936
But seriously, everyone, let's
have a big round of applause
116
00:04:25,953 --> 00:04:28,588
for the real hero tonight:
Peter's chair.
117
00:04:28,622 --> 00:04:30,083
How you
holding up, buddy?
118
00:04:32,091 --> 00:04:34,719
Two chair jokes
in the same monologue.
119
00:04:34,753 --> 00:04:36,391
Sloppy.
120
00:04:38,625 --> 00:04:40,590
Peter's got a small penis,
121
00:04:40,624 --> 00:04:43,627
but, hey, nothing
grows in the shade.
122
00:04:43,661 --> 00:04:45,121
This just in...
123
00:04:45,163 --> 00:04:47,727
is what Peter had to say to
his wife on their wedding night,
124
00:04:47,761 --> 00:04:49,128
so she knew it was
actually happening.
125
00:04:49,161 --> 00:04:51,127
Peter's so ugly,
he couldn't get raped
126
00:04:51,161 --> 00:04:53,062
in our holding cell
down at the station.
127
00:04:53,096 --> 00:04:54,660
For those of you who don't know,
128
00:04:54,702 --> 00:04:57,132
we have a real serious problem
with people getting raped
129
00:04:57,166 --> 00:04:59,436
in our holding cell
down at the station.
130
00:04:59,470 --> 00:05:01,437
Hi, I'm Professor Comedy.
131
00:05:01,471 --> 00:05:03,469
No!
132
00:05:03,511 --> 00:05:06,142
Peter, you're loud,
you can't hold down a job,
133
00:05:06,176 --> 00:05:08,142
and you got high blood pressure.
134
00:05:08,184 --> 00:05:11,486
You could be a black guy if your
ding-a-ling wasn't so damn tiny.
135
00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:14,621
How does everyone know?!
136
00:05:14,655 --> 00:05:16,621
Peter moves his lips
while he's reading,
137
00:05:16,655 --> 00:05:19,290
'cause he's trying
to eat the book.
138
00:05:19,324 --> 00:05:21,057
Roasted!
139
00:05:21,091 --> 00:05:22,719
You know, as Lois's father,
140
00:05:22,753 --> 00:05:24,717
I hate the thought of her
having sex with Peter.
141
00:05:24,758 --> 00:05:26,051
And so do I!
142
00:05:26,085 --> 00:05:28,050
Damn it, Lois, you stepped
on my punch line!
143
00:05:28,092 --> 00:05:29,322
Shut up! You're drunk!
144
00:05:29,356 --> 00:05:30,586
Stop serving her!
145
00:05:30,628 --> 00:05:32,923
I asked Peter
what he got on his S.A.T.s.
146
00:05:32,965 --> 00:05:34,562
He said, "Mayonnaise."
147
00:05:34,596 --> 00:05:38,233
Peter's so fat and stupid,
Lamar Odom tried to bang him.
148
00:05:44,277 --> 00:05:46,572
Well, ladies and gentlemen,
now that we've had our fun,
149
00:05:46,606 --> 00:05:49,912
it's time to give our man of the
hour a chance to have his say.
150
00:05:49,954 --> 00:05:52,585
Please put your hands together
for Peter Griffin!
151
00:05:55,028 --> 00:05:57,660
Okay, yeah,
I got something to say.
152
00:05:57,694 --> 00:05:58,996
Screw all you guys!
153
00:05:59,030 --> 00:06:00,994
I hope you all eat turds
and die!
154
00:06:01,028 --> 00:06:03,329
None of you bastards
are my friends no more!
155
00:06:07,172 --> 00:06:09,308
Brian was the
worst one.
156
00:06:16,013 --> 00:06:18,514
Family, I have
an announcement to make.
157
00:06:18,548 --> 00:06:19,850
Peter, we're eating.
158
00:06:19,884 --> 00:06:22,185
Just tell us what color it was
and be done with it.
159
00:06:22,219 --> 00:06:25,185
On account of my buddies
all being nasty sons of bitches,
160
00:06:25,219 --> 00:06:27,185
I've decided I'm gonna
find new friends.
161
00:06:27,219 --> 00:06:29,518
Oh, come on, you're
overreacting.
162
00:06:29,552 --> 00:06:31,190
The roast was
your idea.
163
00:06:31,224 --> 00:06:33,190
You asked them to
make fun of you.
164
00:06:33,224 --> 00:06:34,860
Yeah, but I thought
they'd stick to material
165
00:06:34,895 --> 00:06:37,197
about how I'm too handsome
to work at a brewery,
166
00:06:37,231 --> 00:06:39,864
or-or how I have tiny
little baby sneezes.
167
00:06:41,572 --> 00:06:43,677
I'm sure it was all
meant in good fun.
168
00:06:43,711 --> 00:06:46,544
Yeah, it was supposed to be fun,
but it was humiliating.
169
00:06:46,586 --> 00:06:48,849
I felt like
a premature volcano.
170
00:06:48,883 --> 00:06:50,521
I just think you're a
really cool island,
171
00:06:50,555 --> 00:06:52,017
and I'd like to
get to know...
172
00:06:52,059 --> 00:06:53,688
Oh, God!
173
00:06:53,722 --> 00:06:55,023
Oh, I'm so sorry.
174
00:06:55,057 --> 00:06:57,359
I am so sorry--
you're just so pretty.
175
00:06:57,394 --> 00:06:59,626
Please, don't tell
the other islands.
176
00:06:59,667 --> 00:07:01,130
I've been thinking.
177
00:07:01,164 --> 00:07:03,804
Maybe I got to find friends who
can't make fun of my appearance
178
00:07:03,838 --> 00:07:06,139
'cause they're
weird-looking themselves.
179
00:07:06,173 --> 00:07:09,474
Like those two bearded dwarves
walking across the street there.
180
00:07:09,508 --> 00:07:13,147
Hey, will you bearded
dwarves be friends with me?
181
00:07:13,181 --> 00:07:15,484
We, sir, are
Italian children.
182
00:07:15,518 --> 00:07:16,518
Good day.
183
00:07:20,455 --> 00:07:21,925
Thanks for hanging out
with me.
184
00:07:21,959 --> 00:07:24,262
I never thought of my kids'
principal as being a friend.
185
00:07:24,296 --> 00:07:26,727
Well, "pal" is right
there in the name, Peter.
186
00:07:26,761 --> 00:07:27,967
Yeah.
187
00:07:28,001 --> 00:07:29,864
Hey, it's cool you got
the keys to the school,
188
00:07:29,898 --> 00:07:31,905
and we can hang out
when no one else is here.
189
00:07:31,939 --> 00:07:32,905
What should we do?
190
00:07:32,939 --> 00:07:34,537
Oh, I got a few ideas.
191
00:07:35,740 --> 00:07:38,377
Wow, I've never drank
so much milk in my life.
192
00:07:38,411 --> 00:07:39,713
Yeah, it's pretty cool.
193
00:07:39,747 --> 00:07:41,049
What other ideas you got?
194
00:07:41,083 --> 00:07:43,050
How about this second
fridge of milk?
195
00:07:43,084 --> 00:07:45,050
Uh, how much milk
do you drink?
196
00:07:45,084 --> 00:07:47,584
I just drink milk until
somebody stops me.
197
00:07:51,590 --> 00:07:52,987
I don't know.
198
00:07:53,021 --> 00:07:55,647
Maybe I'm just not meant
to find a new group of friends.
199
00:07:55,689 --> 00:07:57,718
Well, Peter, you're always
welcome to hang out with me.
200
00:07:57,752 --> 00:07:59,552
Yeah, but I'm talking
about the kind of friend
201
00:07:59,591 --> 00:08:02,053
that doesn't bark at horses
when I'm watching a movie.
202
00:08:02,087 --> 00:08:04,051
Fine, fine, you want to get
trampled in your living room?
203
00:08:04,093 --> 00:08:05,187
Be my guest.
204
00:08:05,221 --> 00:08:06,860
It's just...
205
00:08:06,894 --> 00:08:09,525
I don't know, I-I don't seem
to fit in anywhere.
206
00:08:09,567 --> 00:08:11,861
All right, I'm gonna
go get some more coffee
207
00:08:11,902 --> 00:08:13,900
and maybe a gross
microwaved sandwich.
208
00:08:15,069 --> 00:08:17,033
Excuse me.
209
00:08:17,068 --> 00:08:18,698
Can I please have
another no-foam latte?
210
00:08:18,740 --> 00:08:20,139
Uh, yeah, sure.
211
00:08:20,173 --> 00:08:21,706
But, you know,
I don't work here.
212
00:08:21,740 --> 00:08:22,873
Oh, I'm sorry.
213
00:08:22,907 --> 00:08:24,808
You look just like
one of the baristas.
214
00:08:24,842 --> 00:08:26,671
He doesn't look
that much like me.
215
00:08:26,705 --> 00:08:28,206
I think she meant me.
216
00:08:28,240 --> 00:08:29,805
Oh. Oh, yeah.
217
00:08:29,846 --> 00:08:31,141
I could see that.
218
00:08:31,175 --> 00:08:32,478
Hey, we should make out.
219
00:08:32,512 --> 00:08:33,847
You got it, mister.
220
00:08:36,451 --> 00:08:39,058
Double-foam, am I right?
221
00:08:40,092 --> 00:08:41,393
You're funny.
222
00:08:41,427 --> 00:08:43,394
Yeah. Oh, my God,
you're so twisted.
223
00:08:43,428 --> 00:08:45,730
I'm Jamie, and this is
Becca and Karen.
224
00:08:45,764 --> 00:08:46,994
You want to join us?
225
00:08:47,036 --> 00:08:48,363
Sure.
Great.
226
00:08:48,407 --> 00:08:50,437
We were just debating
if Jamie should hook up
227
00:08:50,471 --> 00:08:52,342
with this guy she met
a few nights ago.
228
00:08:52,376 --> 00:08:54,849
Okay, I want the deets,
like, yesterday.
229
00:08:54,883 --> 00:08:57,018
Wh-What the hell?
Did I just say that?
230
00:08:57,052 --> 00:08:58,018
You sure did.
231
00:08:58,052 --> 00:09:00,018
You're a natural
at this.
232
00:09:00,052 --> 00:09:01,353
Wh-What is "this"?
233
00:09:01,387 --> 00:09:03,690
It's what we do!
234
00:09:05,659 --> 00:09:08,055
Wow, you know,
I know I just met you guys,
235
00:09:08,089 --> 00:09:10,960
but I've kind of been looking
for a new group of friends.
236
00:09:10,994 --> 00:09:13,001
D-Do you maybe have room
for one more?
237
00:09:13,035 --> 00:09:15,000
Are you good at talking
about how busy you are?
238
00:09:15,034 --> 00:09:16,696
Because that's a lot
of what this is.
239
00:09:16,737 --> 00:09:19,031
Ugh, yeah, but don't talk
to me about anything
240
00:09:19,073 --> 00:09:20,367
until I've had
my morning coffee,
241
00:09:20,400 --> 00:09:22,468
'cause it's like
I can't even deal.
242
00:09:22,502 --> 00:09:25,139
Well, I think I speak
for all of us when I say
243
00:09:25,173 --> 00:09:27,801
we'd love to have you in
our group of girlfriends.
244
00:09:27,843 --> 00:09:29,136
Oh, my God,
that's awesome!
245
00:09:29,170 --> 00:09:30,472
Hey, can I be the one
246
00:09:30,506 --> 00:09:32,473
who laugh-screams
really loud at restaurants?
247
00:09:32,507 --> 00:09:34,743
As long as you're
picking up the check.
248
00:09:36,208 --> 00:09:38,478
Oh, we're gonna ruin
so many people's evenings!
249
00:09:38,512 --> 00:09:40,812
Oh, boy, I'm blending
right in with you gals.
250
00:09:40,846 --> 00:09:44,651
Like a panda bear
on a bed full of pillows.
251
00:09:44,685 --> 00:09:45,778
I'm hiding from the zoo.
252
00:09:45,820 --> 00:09:47,249
They want me to have a baby.
253
00:09:47,283 --> 00:09:49,184
I don't want to have a baby!
254
00:09:53,257 --> 00:09:55,052
Hey, isn't it funny
that you guys came over
255
00:09:55,086 --> 00:09:56,880
for a dinner party,
and all we're doing is
256
00:09:56,922 --> 00:09:58,551
standing in the
kitchen, drinking wine?
257
00:09:58,585 --> 00:09:59,982
All our
toothbrushes were
258
00:10:00,016 --> 00:10:01,822
in that one woman's
glass this morning.
259
00:10:01,856 --> 00:10:05,157
Girls, it is so nice to
be part of a group again.
260
00:10:05,191 --> 00:10:06,823
And I'm having
the best time.
261
00:10:06,865 --> 00:10:09,430
Especially yesterday when
we all got mammograms.
262
00:10:11,463 --> 00:10:14,825
If I have cancer,
we're all going to Brazil.
263
00:10:14,867 --> 00:10:16,161
So what's for dinner?
264
00:10:16,195 --> 00:10:17,496
You said we were
having Italian?
265
00:10:17,530 --> 00:10:19,168
Yeah, and then I
realized I'm not good
266
00:10:19,202 --> 00:10:20,832
at making
fettuccine Alfredo,
267
00:10:20,866 --> 00:10:23,167
but I am good at
making reservations.
268
00:10:24,202 --> 00:10:25,202
Do you get it?
269
00:10:25,204 --> 00:10:26,843
Oh, God, I'm so bad.
270
00:10:26,877 --> 00:10:28,844
Stewie, it's time
for your bath.
271
00:10:28,878 --> 00:10:30,845
Oh, what's
going on in here?
272
00:10:30,887 --> 00:10:31,853
Oh, hey, Lois.
273
00:10:31,887 --> 00:10:32,854
Hey, these are
my new friends:
274
00:10:32,888 --> 00:10:34,518
Jamie, Karen
and Becca.
275
00:10:34,552 --> 00:10:36,086
Karen's the one
with the mommy blog,
276
00:10:36,120 --> 00:10:38,850
so if you think you know her
from somewhere, that's where.
277
00:10:38,892 --> 00:10:40,688
Oh, nice to meet
you all.
278
00:10:40,690 --> 00:10:42,420
Would you like to
join us for dinner?
279
00:10:42,454 --> 00:10:44,555
Oh, no, I don't want
to get in the way.
280
00:10:44,589 --> 00:10:47,493
Besides, I got to get
this little man in the tub.
281
00:10:47,527 --> 00:10:50,061
Great. Now they're all
picturing my wiener.
282
00:10:51,566 --> 00:10:52,796
Oh, thank God.
283
00:10:52,830 --> 00:10:54,997
For a second, I thought
she was gonna come with us.
284
00:10:55,031 --> 00:10:56,069
What?
285
00:10:56,103 --> 00:10:57,933
Seriously, Peter,
how do you live with her?
286
00:10:57,967 --> 00:11:00,371
I know, that voice.
Ugh.
287
00:11:00,405 --> 00:11:02,106
And what is that hair color?
288
00:11:02,140 --> 00:11:03,635
Creamy French Dressing?
289
00:11:06,109 --> 00:11:07,780
Oh, I love it.
I love it.
290
00:11:08,814 --> 00:11:09,948
Yeah. Yeah.
291
00:11:09,982 --> 00:11:11,642
Hey, if you think that's funny,
292
00:11:11,684 --> 00:11:13,881
she once had a miscarriage
outside a Petco.
293
00:11:13,915 --> 00:11:16,079
I still have the security
camera footage somewhere.
294
00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:21,150
Peter, I'm your conscience,
Jiminy Cricket.
295
00:11:21,184 --> 00:11:22,350
Ah! Bug!
296
00:11:24,119 --> 00:11:27,589
Andrea, y-you set a place
for Jiminy again.
297
00:11:27,623 --> 00:11:30,324
Oh... so I did.
298
00:11:30,358 --> 00:11:31,692
Why?!
299
00:11:31,726 --> 00:11:34,930
Why did he have to go around
telling strangers what to do?
300
00:11:34,965 --> 00:11:38,299
Wasn't being a pediatric
oncologist enough for him?!
301
00:11:42,338 --> 00:11:44,432
He hit on me
at your wedding.
302
00:11:50,804 --> 00:11:52,843
Ah, let's see, what else?
What else? What else?
303
00:11:52,877 --> 00:11:54,475
Oh, I-I got one.
I got one.
304
00:11:54,509 --> 00:11:57,151
Lois tried to give CPR to
a kid at a wedding once,
305
00:11:57,186 --> 00:11:58,656
and when she knelt down,
306
00:11:58,690 --> 00:12:01,057
she accidentally high-heeled
her own stink hole.
307
00:12:03,531 --> 00:12:05,193
Peter, your wife
is such a pig.
308
00:12:05,227 --> 00:12:06,666
Oh, I don't know
about that, Jamie.
309
00:12:06,700 --> 00:12:09,034
Pigs eat slop,
Lois only cooks it.
310
00:12:10,173 --> 00:12:11,635
What the hell?
311
00:12:11,669 --> 00:12:13,539
Peter, can I speak
with you for a second?
312
00:12:13,573 --> 00:12:16,370
Oh, hang on, guys,
I got to talk to my dog.
313
00:12:16,404 --> 00:12:18,139
What the hell
are you doing?
314
00:12:18,181 --> 00:12:19,643
I'm just gabbing
with the girls.
315
00:12:19,677 --> 00:12:21,275
You know our cycles
have lined up?
316
00:12:21,317 --> 00:12:23,316
Mine's from wiping too hard.
317
00:12:23,350 --> 00:12:25,317
You're saying horrible things
about Lois.
318
00:12:25,351 --> 00:12:27,022
Oh, yeah,
it cracks up the ladies.
319
00:12:27,056 --> 00:12:28,590
Yesterday, Karen laughed so hard
320
00:12:28,624 --> 00:12:30,192
she popped a button
on her jeans.
321
00:12:30,226 --> 00:12:31,425
And then she cried.
322
00:12:31,499 --> 00:12:32,994
Peter, Lois
is your wife.
323
00:12:33,035 --> 00:12:34,298
You should be
defending her,
324
00:12:34,332 --> 00:12:37,204
not talking trash and
gossiping behind her back
325
00:12:37,238 --> 00:12:39,003
like some kind of
Midwestern teenager.
326
00:12:39,277 --> 00:12:41,497
Did you gals hear about Allie
Gallagher?
327
00:12:41,521 --> 00:12:43,783
She let Alan Ackerman
smack her in the back
328
00:12:43,813 --> 00:12:45,875
with his tallywhacker
behind the snack shack.
329
00:12:45,917 --> 00:12:48,011
What?
Nobody here in Maryland
330
00:12:48,045 --> 00:12:50,019
understands a single
word you're saying.
331
00:12:50,053 --> 00:12:51,587
You should move
back to Minnesota.
332
00:12:51,622 --> 00:12:52,820
I can't go back.
333
00:12:52,854 --> 00:12:54,452
I Snapchatted
Matt Gackerack
334
00:12:54,486 --> 00:12:56,524
a Kodak of my ass crack!
335
00:13:00,164 --> 00:13:01,690
Hey, Lois?
336
00:13:01,732 --> 00:13:04,065
I did something bad
I need to tell you about.
337
00:13:04,099 --> 00:13:05,361
Peter, I know.
338
00:13:05,395 --> 00:13:07,968
You used some of my magazines
for your fake ransom notes.
339
00:13:08,002 --> 00:13:09,031
It's okay.
340
00:13:09,065 --> 00:13:10,366
No, no, no, no,
that's not it.
341
00:13:10,400 --> 00:13:12,320
But did you put the ice
cream where the guy said?
342
00:13:12,337 --> 00:13:13,968
Because he will
hurt your family.
343
00:13:14,002 --> 00:13:17,073
Look, the thing is,
me and my new girlfriends,
344
00:13:17,107 --> 00:13:19,273
we've kind of been
talking trash about you
345
00:13:19,315 --> 00:13:20,714
and laughing
behind your back.
346
00:13:20,748 --> 00:13:22,377
Peter, of course
your new friends
347
00:13:22,411 --> 00:13:23,913
have been talking crap about me.
348
00:13:23,947 --> 00:13:25,385
That's what women do.
349
00:13:25,419 --> 00:13:26,385
What?
350
00:13:26,419 --> 00:13:28,449
So... you're not mad?
351
00:13:28,491 --> 00:13:31,288
Well, I'm not thrilled,
but I understand what it's like
352
00:13:31,322 --> 00:13:32,656
to be friends with women.
353
00:13:32,690 --> 00:13:35,327
I'm sure they talk trash
about you behind your back.
354
00:13:35,361 --> 00:13:37,127
They most
certainly do not!
355
00:13:37,161 --> 00:13:39,760
I guarantee you that
as soon as you leave the room,
356
00:13:39,802 --> 00:13:40,928
they tear you to shreds.
357
00:13:40,970 --> 00:13:42,096
That's not true.
358
00:13:42,130 --> 00:13:43,536
If it was, I would've
figured it out.
359
00:13:43,570 --> 00:13:46,397
Just like I figured out who was
stealing my lunch at work.
360
00:13:48,405 --> 00:13:50,601
Next time there's a sandwich
in the fridge
361
00:13:50,635 --> 00:13:53,306
with somebody's name on it,
don't eat it, scumbag!
362
00:13:53,308 --> 00:13:54,641
Please, you don't understand!
363
00:13:54,675 --> 00:13:56,007
Oh, I understand.
364
00:13:56,041 --> 00:13:57,775
That lunch didn't
have your name on it,
365
00:13:57,809 --> 00:13:59,311
but this bullet does.
366
00:14:01,514 --> 00:14:04,513
My name is Peter, too...!
367
00:14:09,448 --> 00:14:12,888
Ugh, have you guys seen
the new Jessica Biel movie?
368
00:14:12,922 --> 00:14:14,592
I-I don't get
what men see in her.
369
00:14:14,626 --> 00:14:16,424
Um, her dumper?
370
00:14:16,458 --> 00:14:19,191
I just think she's
really plain-looking.
371
00:14:19,233 --> 00:14:20,761
She kind of annoys me.
372
00:14:20,803 --> 00:14:22,266
You know who's really beautiful?
373
00:14:22,300 --> 00:14:23,403
Joan Allen.
374
00:14:23,437 --> 00:14:25,306
Yes!
Uh, stunning.
375
00:14:25,340 --> 00:14:28,369
Yeah, uh... I-I think, um...
376
00:14:28,411 --> 00:14:30,377
Um, I'm maybe gonna
go use the restroom
377
00:14:30,411 --> 00:14:32,105
and let you guys talk about
378
00:14:32,147 --> 00:14:33,777
whatever you're gonna
talk about.
379
00:14:37,654 --> 00:14:40,055
Huh, I guess Peter made
it to the bathroom,
380
00:14:40,089 --> 00:14:41,896
'cause I can't feel
him walking anymore.
381
00:14:41,930 --> 00:14:42,930
I know.
382
00:14:42,931 --> 00:14:45,435
"Fee-Fi-fo-fum!"
Right?
383
00:14:49,035 --> 00:14:51,306
And what about
those drugstore glasses?
384
00:14:51,340 --> 00:14:53,410
These aren't drugstore glasses,
385
00:14:53,445 --> 00:14:55,739
they came from
a doctor Halloween costume.
386
00:14:57,149 --> 00:14:58,747
Lois was right.
387
00:14:58,780 --> 00:15:00,912
They are making fun of me
behind my back.
388
00:15:00,946 --> 00:15:03,143
They're like a nasty wolf pack.
389
00:15:03,185 --> 00:15:05,149
Hey, man,
just a heads-up:
390
00:15:05,183 --> 00:15:07,011
instead of howling
at the moon tonight,
391
00:15:07,045 --> 00:15:09,744
we're all gonna yell
"cock-a-doodle-doo!"
392
00:15:09,778 --> 00:15:10,778
Really?
393
00:15:10,783 --> 00:15:12,106
That seems weird.
394
00:15:12,148 --> 00:15:14,677
I'm just trying to make sure
you don't look silly.
395
00:15:18,873 --> 00:15:20,742
Cock-a-doodle-doo!
396
00:15:23,007 --> 00:15:23,971
What an idiot!
397
00:15:24,005 --> 00:15:25,410
He actually believed me!
398
00:15:25,444 --> 00:15:28,070
That's what a rooster says, not
a wolf!
399
00:15:31,281 --> 00:15:33,512
Hi, Daddy!
How was howling at the moon?
400
00:15:33,546 --> 00:15:35,446
Shut up!
Why aren't you asleep?
401
00:15:35,480 --> 00:15:36,917
Why isn't he asleep?
402
00:15:36,951 --> 00:15:37,916
Leave him alone!
403
00:15:37,950 --> 00:15:39,612
Have you been
drinking again, Phil?
404
00:15:39,654 --> 00:15:40,979
That's none of
your business!
405
00:15:41,021 --> 00:15:42,282
I never wanted a cub!
406
00:15:42,316 --> 00:15:43,316
Get out!
407
00:15:43,355 --> 00:15:45,987
Get out now
and don't ever come back!
408
00:15:48,326 --> 00:15:51,394
Hey, buddy,
want to get high?
409
00:15:56,127 --> 00:15:57,828
Oh, my God. Phil?
410
00:15:57,862 --> 00:15:59,892
Hey... Robert.
411
00:15:59,926 --> 00:16:00,932
Wow.
412
00:16:00,966 --> 00:16:04,162
Ah, hey,
listen, man...
413
00:16:04,196 --> 00:16:06,033
Cock-a-doodle-doo!
414
00:16:16,705 --> 00:16:18,943
"Cock-a-doodle-doo"
is a passion project
415
00:16:18,977 --> 00:16:20,709
I'd been mulling over for years,
416
00:16:20,743 --> 00:16:23,509
and when Family Guy gave me
the opportunity to shoot it,
417
00:16:23,543 --> 00:16:25,445
I knew there was only one actor
418
00:16:25,479 --> 00:16:28,515
who could portray
Phil the Wolf: Glenn Quagmire.
419
00:16:28,549 --> 00:16:31,344
Peter gave me a beer that tasted
funny, and when I woke up,
420
00:16:31,386 --> 00:16:33,616
I was wearing lipstick
and a wolf suit.
421
00:16:37,553 --> 00:16:39,552
Lois, you were right.
422
00:16:39,594 --> 00:16:41,490
Those women
were talking about me.
423
00:16:41,531 --> 00:16:43,259
Oh, dear.
What did they say?
424
00:16:43,301 --> 00:16:45,468
I don't even remember,
there was such a long cutaway,
425
00:16:45,502 --> 00:16:47,005
but I know it was really mean.
426
00:16:47,039 --> 00:16:48,871
Oh, I'm so
sorry, Peter.
427
00:16:48,905 --> 00:16:50,271
So what do I do now?
428
00:16:50,305 --> 00:16:52,942
Confront them face-to-face
and explain why I'm angry?
429
00:16:52,976 --> 00:16:54,374
Of course not.
430
00:16:54,416 --> 00:16:57,278
Being friends with women is
way more complex than that.
431
00:16:57,312 --> 00:16:59,678
You need to be more
underhanded and vicious.
432
00:16:59,719 --> 00:17:03,252
You and I will get revenge
on those bitches lady-style.
433
00:17:03,286 --> 00:17:04,251
Really?
434
00:17:04,285 --> 00:17:05,683
We'll-we'll do it together?
435
00:17:05,717 --> 00:17:07,051
Yeah, it'll be fun.
436
00:17:07,084 --> 00:17:09,817
Like when we watched
Battlestar Galactica together.
437
00:17:09,859 --> 00:17:12,024
Now, which Cylon is that?
438
00:17:12,058 --> 00:17:13,320
Ah, I-I don't know.
439
00:17:13,362 --> 00:17:14,455
I think it's Number Six.
440
00:17:14,489 --> 00:17:15,991
Wait, i-is that
the same Number Six
441
00:17:16,025 --> 00:17:17,791
that had sex with Dr. Baltar?
442
00:17:17,825 --> 00:17:19,327
I don't... I've been...
I've been watching this
443
00:17:19,361 --> 00:17:21,327
the same exact amount
of time you have, Lois.
444
00:17:21,369 --> 00:17:22,631
I don't know
anything you don't.
445
00:17:22,665 --> 00:17:25,069
Ooh, what does that green button
on the far panel do?
446
00:17:25,103 --> 00:17:26,837
How in God's name
would I know that?!
447
00:17:26,872 --> 00:17:28,669
I don't know!
448
00:17:28,703 --> 00:17:32,170
It's green, so it probably
makes something go.
449
00:17:35,042 --> 00:17:36,042
Hello?
450
00:17:36,073 --> 00:17:37,101
Peter, where are you?
451
00:17:37,135 --> 00:17:38,655
I thought we were gonna
go after Becca.
452
00:17:38,670 --> 00:17:40,970
Way ahead of you, Lois.
I just cut her brakes.
453
00:17:41,004 --> 00:17:42,242
What?!
454
00:17:42,276 --> 00:17:44,009
Don't you think
that's a little dangerous?
455
00:17:44,043 --> 00:17:46,440
Hey, you're the one who said we
should try to ruin her marriage.
456
00:17:46,474 --> 00:17:48,975
She bangs up her car,
her husband's gonna be furious.
457
00:17:50,010 --> 00:17:50,975
What was that?
458
00:17:51,009 --> 00:17:52,446
Oh, I-I just ran a red light.
459
00:17:52,480 --> 00:17:54,080
My car won't slow down
for some reason.
460
00:17:54,114 --> 00:17:55,882
Anyway, this is
gonna be awesome.
461
00:17:55,924 --> 00:17:57,857
Geez, I'm going, like, 95.
462
00:17:57,891 --> 00:18:00,190
Peter, are you sure
you didn't cut your brakes?
463
00:18:00,224 --> 00:18:02,054
That's ridiculous.
Why would I cut my own...
464
00:18:02,088 --> 00:18:03,886
Kids, get out of the way!
I can't stop!
465
00:18:07,790 --> 00:18:09,524
All right, Peter,
next is Jamie.
466
00:18:09,566 --> 00:18:11,729
Now, what's the most
important thing in her life?
467
00:18:11,763 --> 00:18:12,763
Oh, that's easy.
468
00:18:12,794 --> 00:18:14,624
Her daughter Emily
is a competitive diver.
469
00:18:14,666 --> 00:18:15,929
The whole family's dream
470
00:18:15,963 --> 00:18:18,369
is that she gets a spot
on the U.S. Olympic Team.
471
00:18:18,403 --> 00:18:21,670
Okay, so get a lead pipe and
bust this girl's kneecaps.
472
00:18:21,704 --> 00:18:22,870
No, no, no, Lois.
473
00:18:22,904 --> 00:18:24,670
That's not how
we're gonna do this.
474
00:18:24,703 --> 00:18:26,940
♪ Out on the streets ♪
475
00:18:26,974 --> 00:18:28,172
♪ That's where we'll meet ♪
476
00:18:28,206 --> 00:18:29,838
♪ You make the night ♪
477
00:18:29,880 --> 00:18:32,575
♪ I always cross the line ♪
478
00:18:32,617 --> 00:18:34,782
♪ Tightened our belts ♪
479
00:18:34,816 --> 00:18:36,715
♪ Abused ourselves ♪
480
00:18:36,749 --> 00:18:37,914
♪ Get in our way ♪
481
00:18:37,948 --> 00:18:40,909
♪ We'll put you on your shelf ♪
482
00:18:46,750 --> 00:18:49,022
♪ Round and round ♪
483
00:18:49,056 --> 00:18:51,160
♪ With love we'll find a way ♪
484
00:18:51,194 --> 00:18:52,828
♪ Just give it time ♪
485
00:18:54,033 --> 00:18:56,537
♪ Round and round ♪
486
00:18:56,571 --> 00:18:58,876
♪ What comes around
goes around ♪
487
00:18:58,910 --> 00:19:01,049
♪ I'll tell you why ♪
488
00:19:01,083 --> 00:19:03,554
♪ Yeah ♪
489
00:19:03,588 --> 00:19:05,588
♪ ♪
490
00:19:26,046 --> 00:19:28,350
That's how we're
gonna do this.
491
00:19:34,023 --> 00:19:35,725
Okay, next is Karen.
492
00:19:35,760 --> 00:19:38,096
Now, she's been planning her
daughter's wedding for a year.
493
00:19:38,130 --> 00:19:40,729
If it doesn't go perfectly,
she'll be crushed.
494
00:19:40,763 --> 00:19:41,864
Already on it, Lois.
495
00:19:41,898 --> 00:19:43,567
I bribed one of
the busboys.
496
00:19:43,601 --> 00:19:45,966
He has a little surprise
planned for her.
497
00:19:47,103 --> 00:19:49,206
Oh, my God!
Somebody stabbed the groom!
498
00:19:54,281 --> 00:19:56,941
Oh, no,
it's not a perfect day.
499
00:19:58,583 --> 00:20:01,286
Well, we got those
bitches good, huh, Peter?
500
00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:02,814
Yeah, thanks, Lois.
501
00:20:02,856 --> 00:20:04,023
And you were right.
502
00:20:04,057 --> 00:20:06,055
Being friends with women
is way too complicated
503
00:20:06,089 --> 00:20:07,520
and way too
intense for me.
504
00:20:07,562 --> 00:20:10,624
Now let me just pay the busboy
and we can get out of here.
505
00:20:10,666 --> 00:20:13,694
Ah! I knew he didn't
understand the plan!
506
00:20:19,338 --> 00:20:21,207
Hey, guys.
Oh, hey, Peter.
507
00:20:21,242 --> 00:20:25,238
Look, I-I'm real sorry
I got so worked up at my roast.
508
00:20:25,273 --> 00:20:27,007
And if you're willing,
509
00:20:27,041 --> 00:20:29,248
I'd like to be friends
with you guys again.
510
00:20:29,282 --> 00:20:31,479
Because men might
punch you in the gut
511
00:20:31,513 --> 00:20:32,845
and call you a fat idiot,
512
00:20:32,879 --> 00:20:35,244
but at least they do it
to your face and own it.
513
00:20:35,286 --> 00:20:36,778
You were mad at us?
514
00:20:36,820 --> 00:20:38,345
Yeah, we ain't spoke
in a week.
515
00:20:38,387 --> 00:20:39,879
I thought you were out of town.
516
00:20:39,913 --> 00:20:42,779
People come, people go.
I didn't give no mind.
517
00:20:42,813 --> 00:20:45,283
So we're-we're
friends again?
518
00:20:45,317 --> 00:20:46,818
We were never not friends,
you idiot.
519
00:20:46,852 --> 00:20:48,482
I love you guys.
520
00:20:48,516 --> 00:20:49,817
Guys are the best.
521
00:20:49,851 --> 00:20:51,250
Not women.
522
00:20:58,756 --> 00:21:00,723
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man