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00:00:01,549 --> 00:00:04,809
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,881 --> 00:00:08,144
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:08,179 --> 00:00:11,706
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,748 --> 00:00:14,720
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,754 --> 00:00:18,241
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,582 --> 00:00:23,147
♪ All the things that make us ♪
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00:00:23,181 --> 00:00:24,482
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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00:00:24,516 --> 00:00:25,153
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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00:00:25,154 --> 00:00:30,154
♪ Family Guy 13x16 ♪
Roasted Guy
Original Air Date on April 26, 2015
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00:00:30,155 --> 00:00:36,655
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
WEB-DL sync by jasonnguyen2606
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00:00:37,062 --> 00:00:40,462
We now return to
D.J. Butcher: Deejay Butcher.
13
00:00:40,496 --> 00:00:41,957
♪ ♪
14
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Hey, bro!
15
00:00:43,493 --> 00:00:46,459
Hey! You requesting a song or
ordering some sliced meat?
16
00:00:46,501 --> 00:00:48,795
Meat! Half a pound
of turkey, please.
17
00:00:48,829 --> 00:00:50,127
You want a sample?
18
00:00:50,161 --> 00:00:51,800
You mean like
a slice of turkey,
19
00:00:51,834 --> 00:00:54,134
or like a short section
of one musical recording
20
00:00:54,168 --> 00:00:56,939
that's been digitally repurposed
to be part of a new song?
21
00:00:56,964 --> 00:00:59,976
I don't know.
I might quit this job.
22
00:01:00,001 --> 00:01:01,859
God, late-night TV
is all terrible.
23
00:01:01,893 --> 00:01:03,320
Oh, we don't have
to watch this.
24
00:01:03,345 --> 00:01:06,226
We could turn to channel 875
and watch Conan.
25
00:01:06,251 --> 00:01:07,654
Here, let me see
what else is on.
26
00:01:10,355 --> 00:01:14,651
In honor of Sammy, on the bus ride
over here, we all sat in the back.
27
00:01:18,290 --> 00:01:22,257
Lucille Ball was back there with
us, and I saw her smoking a Cuban.
28
00:01:22,291 --> 00:01:24,123
Then Desi zipped up his fly.
29
00:01:26,860 --> 00:01:29,533
Whose wedding is this?
It's hilarious.
30
00:01:29,558 --> 00:01:31,666
Peter, it's not a wedding,
it's an infomercial
31
00:01:31,691 --> 00:01:33,480
for The Dean Martin
Celebrity Roasts.
32
00:01:33,532 --> 00:01:36,164
Wait, you mean Comedy Central
didn't invent those? No.
33
00:01:36,189 --> 00:01:38,496
Well, what about funny news?
Did they invent that?
34
00:01:38,530 --> 00:01:40,661
N-Not really.
But they invented comedy.
35
00:01:40,695 --> 00:01:41,827
They didn't
invent anything.
36
00:01:41,861 --> 00:01:44,159
Well, they centralized it,
that we know.
37
00:01:44,193 --> 00:01:46,661
Man, look at these people.
They don't breathe.
38
00:01:46,695 --> 00:01:49,647
They just drink and smoke and laugh.
I want to do that.
39
00:01:49,672 --> 00:01:51,505
What are you talking about?
You want to have a roast?
40
00:01:51,530 --> 00:01:54,511
Yeah! Look, he's the man of the hour.
Everybody loves him.
41
00:01:54,536 --> 00:01:57,172
They got his picture in a circle.
How do they do that?
42
00:01:57,197 --> 00:01:59,130
Pictures come in squares.
43
00:02:03,173 --> 00:02:04,803
Hey, Cleveland,
how tall are you?
44
00:02:04,837 --> 00:02:07,800
I don't know. Cadillac come
up to about here on me.
45
00:02:07,842 --> 00:02:09,805
All right, so I guess I am
the tallest one of us.
46
00:02:09,839 --> 00:02:11,519
What are you talking
about? I'm six-two.
47
00:02:11,544 --> 00:02:13,727
Says so right here on
my driver's license.
48
00:02:13,752 --> 00:02:15,107
Yeah, that-that
doesn't count.
49
00:02:15,132 --> 00:02:17,129
Why not?
You're gonna make me say it?
50
00:02:17,163 --> 00:02:19,798
Lay me out on the floor.
I'm six-two.
51
00:02:19,832 --> 00:02:22,270
Hey, you guys.
Peter, how tall am I?
52
00:02:22,304 --> 00:02:25,471
I don't know, how tall is a mailbox?
You're about a mailbox.
53
00:02:25,505 --> 00:02:27,807
But listen, I-I want
you guys to roast me.
54
00:02:27,841 --> 00:02:29,808
What, you mean
like they do on TV?
55
00:02:29,842 --> 00:02:31,975
That's right, I want to be
the man of the hour.
56
00:02:32,009 --> 00:02:34,477
And I want all my pals
to give me a good ribbing.
57
00:02:34,511 --> 00:02:36,812
Can we work blue,
like Marlin Johnson?
58
00:02:36,846 --> 00:02:39,313
♪ Oh-ee, oh-ee,
hey-yo, ha. ♪
59
00:02:39,347 --> 00:02:41,215
Oh, you know
it, homey!
60
00:02:42,248 --> 00:02:44,589
Huh, all right,
that could be fun.
61
00:02:44,614 --> 00:02:46,743
Great. And you fellas
shouldn't pull any punches.
62
00:02:46,768 --> 00:02:49,048
Just let me have it.
Nothing is off-limits.
63
00:02:49,082 --> 00:02:52,646
Geez, Peter, you're more excited than
Adrian Peterson at an arboretum.
64
00:02:52,680 --> 00:02:55,316
Daddy, what kind
of tree is that?
65
00:02:55,350 --> 00:02:59,483
Man, I want to beat you
with so many things around here.
66
00:03:05,863 --> 00:03:08,639
Ladies and gentlemen
and people who have wandered in
67
00:03:08,664 --> 00:03:10,659
from the Chinese wedding
next door,
68
00:03:10,684 --> 00:03:12,836
welcome to the roast
of Peter Griffin,
69
00:03:12,870 --> 00:03:15,801
with your roast master
Glenn Quagmire.
70
00:03:17,505 --> 00:03:19,433
Thank you, thank you,
thank you very much.
71
00:03:19,458 --> 00:03:23,203
Joe, I'd tell you to take your seat,
but I'd be about 15 years too late.
72
00:03:26,434 --> 00:03:28,071
Ha! And we're off.
73
00:03:28,105 --> 00:03:31,074
Well, what can I say about the
man of the hour, Peter Griffin?
74
00:03:31,107 --> 00:03:32,578
Oh, boy, here
it comes.
75
00:03:32,612 --> 00:03:34,912
Well, first off,
Peter's always been special.
76
00:03:34,946 --> 00:03:37,848
In high school, he didn't play
sports, but he did wear a helmet.
77
00:03:41,925 --> 00:03:44,556
All right, that's kind of funny.
Tough, but fair.
78
00:03:44,590 --> 00:03:47,061
You know, Peter, I love
your chin, but I got to ask.
79
00:03:47,095 --> 00:03:50,062
What's it like going through life with
a scrotum so close to your mouth?
80
00:03:50,103 --> 00:03:52,444
You know what, hold on. I'll
just ask your teenage daughter.
81
00:03:55,610 --> 00:03:58,176
That... that's inappropriate.
82
00:03:58,210 --> 00:04:00,175
You know, Peter's
challenging the stereotype
83
00:04:00,209 --> 00:04:02,446
of Irish guys being fat,
drunk and stupid
84
00:04:02,480 --> 00:04:04,579
by throwing "a little gay"
in there, too.
85
00:04:06,751 --> 00:04:08,717
Oh, nice, homophobia.
86
00:04:08,751 --> 00:04:11,448
But I got to say, the worst part
of being Peter's friend is
87
00:04:11,473 --> 00:04:14,383
knowing that eventually you're gonna
have to be the fat-ass's pallbearer.
88
00:04:14,417 --> 00:04:16,283
Lift with the legs,
right fellas?
89
00:04:20,785 --> 00:04:23,582
P-People think I'm fat?
90
00:04:23,616 --> 00:04:26,189
But seriously, everyone, let's
have a big round of applause
91
00:04:26,216 --> 00:04:28,597
for the real hero tonight:
Peter's chair.
92
00:04:28,622 --> 00:04:30,083
How you
holding up, buddy?
93
00:04:32,091 --> 00:04:36,391
Two chair jokes in the same monologue.
Sloppy.
94
00:04:38,625 --> 00:04:43,627
Peter's got a small penis, but,
hey, nothing grows in the shade.
95
00:04:43,661 --> 00:04:47,541
This just in... is what Peter had to say
to his wife on their wedding night,
96
00:04:47,566 --> 00:04:49,128
so she knew it was
actually happening.
97
00:04:49,161 --> 00:04:53,062
Peter's so ugly, he couldn't get raped
in our holding cell down at the station.
98
00:04:53,096 --> 00:04:54,783
For those of you who don't know,
99
00:04:54,808 --> 00:04:57,403
we have a real serious problem
with people getting raped
100
00:04:57,428 --> 00:04:59,436
in our holding cell
down at the station.
101
00:04:59,470 --> 00:05:01,437
Hi, I'm Professor Comedy.
102
00:05:01,471 --> 00:05:03,469
No!
103
00:05:03,511 --> 00:05:08,142
Peter, you're loud, you can't hold down
a job, and you got high blood pressure.
104
00:05:08,184 --> 00:05:11,845
You could be a black guy if your
ding-a-ling wasn't so damn tiny.
105
00:05:11,870 --> 00:05:14,621
How does everyone know?!
106
00:05:14,655 --> 00:05:19,290
Peter moves his lips while he's reading,
'cause he's trying to eat the book.
107
00:05:19,324 --> 00:05:21,057
Roasted!
108
00:05:21,091 --> 00:05:25,008
You know, as Lois's father, I hate the
thought of her having sex with Peter.
109
00:05:25,033 --> 00:05:26,326
And so do I!
110
00:05:26,351 --> 00:05:28,246
Damn it, Lois, you stepped
on my punch line!
111
00:05:28,271 --> 00:05:30,586
Shut up! You're drunk!
Stop serving her!
112
00:05:30,628 --> 00:05:32,923
I asked Peter
what he got on his S.A.T.s.
113
00:05:32,965 --> 00:05:34,562
He said, "Mayonnaise."
114
00:05:34,596 --> 00:05:38,233
Peter's so fat and stupid,
Lamar Odom tried to bang him.
115
00:05:44,277 --> 00:05:46,734
Well, ladies and gentlemen,
now that we've had our fun,
116
00:05:46,759 --> 00:05:50,127
it's time to give our man of the
hour a chance to have his say.
117
00:05:50,152 --> 00:05:52,585
Please put your hands together
for Peter Griffin!
118
00:05:55,028 --> 00:05:57,849
Okay, yeah,
I got something to say.
119
00:05:57,874 --> 00:06:01,402
Screw all you guys! I hope
you all eat turds and die!
120
00:06:01,427 --> 00:06:03,645
None of you bastards
are my friends no more!
121
00:06:07,605 --> 00:06:09,741
Brian was the
worst one.
122
00:06:16,013 --> 00:06:18,514
Family, I have
an announcement to make.
123
00:06:18,548 --> 00:06:21,961
Peter, we're eating. Just tell us what
color it was and be done with it.
124
00:06:21,986 --> 00:06:24,952
On account of my buddies
all being nasty sons of bitches,
125
00:06:24,977 --> 00:06:26,943
I've decided I'm gonna
find new friends.
126
00:06:26,968 --> 00:06:30,930
Oh, come on, you're overreacting.
The roast was your idea.
127
00:06:30,955 --> 00:06:32,757
You asked them to
make fun of you.
128
00:06:32,782 --> 00:06:34,578
Yeah, but I thought
they'd stick to material
129
00:06:34,603 --> 00:06:37,206
about how I'm too handsome
to work at a brewery,
130
00:06:37,231 --> 00:06:39,864
or-or how I have tiny
little baby sneezes.
131
00:06:41,257 --> 00:06:43,686
I'm sure it was all
meant in good fun.
132
00:06:43,711 --> 00:06:46,292
Yeah, it was supposed to be fun,
but it was humiliating.
133
00:06:46,317 --> 00:06:48,580
I felt like
a premature volcano.
134
00:06:48,605 --> 00:06:51,758
I just think you're a really cool
island, and I'd like to get to know...
135
00:06:51,783 --> 00:06:53,382
Oh, God!
136
00:06:53,407 --> 00:06:54,708
Oh, I'm so sorry.
137
00:06:54,733 --> 00:06:57,035
I am so sorry...
you're just so pretty.
138
00:06:57,060 --> 00:06:59,292
Please, don't tell
the other islands.
139
00:06:59,317 --> 00:07:00,780
I've been thinking.
140
00:07:00,805 --> 00:07:03,646
Maybe I got to find friends who
can't make fun of my appearance
141
00:07:03,671 --> 00:07:05,972
'cause they're
weird-looking themselves.
142
00:07:05,997 --> 00:07:09,298
Like those two bearded dwarves
walking across the street there.
143
00:07:09,323 --> 00:07:12,754
Hey, will you bearded
dwarves be friends with me?
144
00:07:12,779 --> 00:07:15,082
We, sir, are
Italian children.
145
00:07:15,107 --> 00:07:16,107
Good day.
146
00:07:20,142 --> 00:07:21,612
Thanks for hanging out
with me.
147
00:07:21,637 --> 00:07:23,940
I never thought of my kids'
principal as being a friend.
148
00:07:23,965 --> 00:07:26,396
Well, "pal" is right
there in the name, Peter.
149
00:07:26,421 --> 00:07:27,767
Yeah.
150
00:07:27,792 --> 00:07:29,801
Hey, it's cool you got
the keys to the school,
151
00:07:29,826 --> 00:07:31,472
and we can hang out
when no one else is here.
152
00:07:31,497 --> 00:07:33,922
What should we do?
Oh, I got a few ideas.
153
00:07:35,426 --> 00:07:38,063
Wow, I've never drank
so much milk in my life.
154
00:07:38,088 --> 00:07:39,390
Yeah, it's pretty cool.
155
00:07:39,415 --> 00:07:40,717
What other ideas you got?
156
00:07:40,742 --> 00:07:42,709
How about this second
fridge of milk?
157
00:07:42,734 --> 00:07:44,700
Uh, how much milk
do you drink?
158
00:07:44,725 --> 00:07:47,225
I just drink milk until
somebody stops me.
159
00:07:51,590 --> 00:07:52,987
I don't know.
160
00:07:53,021 --> 00:07:55,647
Maybe I'm just not meant
to find a new group of friends.
161
00:07:55,689 --> 00:07:57,718
Well, Peter, you're always
welcome to hang out with me.
162
00:07:57,752 --> 00:07:59,717
Yeah, but I'm talking
about the kind of friend
163
00:07:59,742 --> 00:08:01,773
that doesn't bark at horses
when I'm watching a movie.
164
00:08:01,798 --> 00:08:04,907
Fine, fine, you want to get trampled
in your living room? Be my guest.
165
00:08:04,932 --> 00:08:06,571
It's just...
166
00:08:06,596 --> 00:08:09,227
I don't know, I-I don't seem
to fit in anywhere.
167
00:08:09,567 --> 00:08:11,861
All right, I'm gonna
go get some more coffee
168
00:08:11,902 --> 00:08:13,900
and maybe a gross
microwaved sandwich.
169
00:08:15,069 --> 00:08:18,698
Excuse me. Can I please
have another no-foam latte?
170
00:08:18,723 --> 00:08:21,646
Uh, yeah, sure. But, you
know, I don't work here.
171
00:08:21,671 --> 00:08:24,739
Oh, I'm sorry. You look just
like one of the baristas.
172
00:08:24,764 --> 00:08:26,593
He doesn't look
that much like me.
173
00:08:26,618 --> 00:08:28,215
I think she meant me.
174
00:08:28,240 --> 00:08:30,768
Oh. Oh, yeah.
I could see that.
175
00:08:30,793 --> 00:08:32,096
Hey, we should make out.
176
00:08:32,121 --> 00:08:33,456
You got it, mister.
177
00:08:36,451 --> 00:08:39,058
Double-foam, am I right?
178
00:08:39,092 --> 00:08:40,852
You're funny.
179
00:08:40,877 --> 00:08:43,403
Yeah. Oh, my God,
you're so twisted.
180
00:08:43,428 --> 00:08:45,730
I'm Jamie, and this is
Becca and Karen.
181
00:08:45,764 --> 00:08:46,857
You want to join us?
182
00:08:46,882 --> 00:08:48,382
Sure.
Great.
183
00:08:48,407 --> 00:08:50,437
We were just debating
if Jamie should hook up
184
00:08:50,471 --> 00:08:52,149
with this guy she met
a few nights ago.
185
00:08:52,174 --> 00:08:54,647
Okay, I want the deets,
like, yesterday.
186
00:08:54,672 --> 00:08:56,555
Wh-What the hell?
Did I just say that?
187
00:08:56,580 --> 00:08:59,537
You sure did. You're
a natural at this.
188
00:08:59,562 --> 00:09:01,353
Wh-What is "this"?
189
00:09:01,387 --> 00:09:03,505
It's what we do!
190
00:09:05,455 --> 00:09:07,957
Wow, you know,
I know I just met you guys,
191
00:09:07,982 --> 00:09:10,712
but I've kind of been looking
for a new group of friends.
192
00:09:10,737 --> 00:09:12,744
D-Do you maybe have room
for one more?
193
00:09:12,769 --> 00:09:14,849
Are you good at talking
about how busy you are?
194
00:09:14,874 --> 00:09:16,480
Because that's a lot
of what this is.
195
00:09:16,505 --> 00:09:18,616
Ugh, yeah, but don't talk
to me about anything
196
00:09:18,641 --> 00:09:22,285
until I've had my morning coffee,
'cause it's like I can't even deal.
197
00:09:22,310 --> 00:09:24,947
Well, I think I speak
for all of us when I say
198
00:09:24,972 --> 00:09:27,359
we'd love to have you in
our group of girlfriends.
199
00:09:27,384 --> 00:09:28,991
Oh, my God,
that's awesome!
200
00:09:29,016 --> 00:09:32,150
Hey, can I be the one who laugh-screams
really loud at restaurants?
201
00:09:32,175 --> 00:09:34,411
As long as you're
picking up the check.
202
00:09:36,040 --> 00:09:38,310
Oh, we're gonna ruin
so many people's evenings!
203
00:09:38,335 --> 00:09:40,635
Oh, boy, I'm blending
right in with you gals.
204
00:09:40,660 --> 00:09:44,313
Like a panda bear
on a bed full of pillows.
205
00:09:44,338 --> 00:09:46,885
I'm hiding from the zoo.
They want me to have a baby.
206
00:09:46,910 --> 00:09:48,811
I don't want to have a baby!
207
00:09:53,103 --> 00:09:55,736
Hey, isn't it funny that you guys
came over for a dinner party,
208
00:09:55,761 --> 00:09:58,250
and all we're doing is standing
in the kitchen, drinking wine?
209
00:09:58,275 --> 00:10:01,512
All our toothbrushes were in that
one woman's glass this morning.
210
00:10:01,537 --> 00:10:04,838
Girls, it is so nice to
be part of a group again.
211
00:10:04,863 --> 00:10:06,495
And I'm having
the best time.
212
00:10:06,520 --> 00:10:09,085
Especially yesterday when
we all got mammograms.
213
00:10:10,949 --> 00:10:14,311
If I have cancer,
we're all going to Brazil.
214
00:10:14,336 --> 00:10:15,756
So what's for dinner?
215
00:10:15,781 --> 00:10:17,251
You said we were
having Italian?
216
00:10:17,276 --> 00:10:20,569
Yeah, and then I realized I'm not
good at making fettuccine Alfredo,
217
00:10:20,594 --> 00:10:22,816
but I am good at
making reservations.
218
00:10:23,945 --> 00:10:26,269
Do you get it?
Oh, God, I'm so bad.
219
00:10:26,294 --> 00:10:28,601
Stewie, it's time
for your bath.
220
00:10:28,626 --> 00:10:30,593
Oh, what's
going on in here?
221
00:10:30,618 --> 00:10:34,240
Oh, hey, Lois. Hey, these are my new
friends: Jamie, Karen and Becca.
222
00:10:34,265 --> 00:10:35,799
Karen's the one
with the mommy blog,
223
00:10:35,824 --> 00:10:38,243
so if you think you know her
from somewhere, that's where.
224
00:10:38,268 --> 00:10:40,329
Oh, nice to meet
you all.
225
00:10:40,354 --> 00:10:42,289
Would you like to
join us for dinner?
226
00:10:42,314 --> 00:10:44,182
Oh, no, I don't want
to get in the way.
227
00:10:44,207 --> 00:10:47,111
Besides, I got to get
this little man in the tub.
228
00:10:47,136 --> 00:10:49,670
Great. Now they're all
picturing my wiener.
229
00:10:51,566 --> 00:10:52,796
Oh, thank God.
230
00:10:52,830 --> 00:10:54,924
For a second, I thought
she was gonna come with us.
231
00:10:54,949 --> 00:10:57,731
What? Seriously, Peter,
how do you live with her?
232
00:10:57,756 --> 00:11:00,380
I know, that voice.
Ugh.
233
00:11:00,405 --> 00:11:03,411
And what is that hair color?
Creamy French Dressing?
234
00:11:05,859 --> 00:11:07,764
Oh, I love it.
I love it.
235
00:11:08,682 --> 00:11:09,948
Yeah. Yeah.
236
00:11:09,982 --> 00:11:13,681
Hey, if you think that's funny, she
once had a miscarriage outside a Petco.
237
00:11:13,706 --> 00:11:15,870
I still have the security
camera footage somewhere.
238
00:11:18,478 --> 00:11:21,045
Peter, I'm your conscience,
Jiminy Cricket.
239
00:11:21,070 --> 00:11:22,236
Ah! Bug!
240
00:11:23,819 --> 00:11:27,289
Andrea, y-you set a place
for Jiminy again.
241
00:11:27,314 --> 00:11:30,015
Oh... so I did.
242
00:11:30,040 --> 00:11:31,374
Why?!
243
00:11:31,399 --> 00:11:34,603
Why did he have to go around
telling strangers what to do?
244
00:11:34,628 --> 00:11:38,135
Wasn't being a pediatric
oncologist enough for him?!
245
00:11:42,338 --> 00:11:44,432
He hit on me
at your wedding.
246
00:11:50,684 --> 00:11:52,723
Ah, let's see, what else?
What else? What else?
247
00:11:52,748 --> 00:11:54,346
Oh, I-I got one.
I got one.
248
00:11:54,371 --> 00:11:58,404
Lois tried to give CPR to a kid at a
wedding once, and when she knelt down,
249
00:11:58,429 --> 00:12:01,066
she accidentally high-heeled
her own stink hole.
250
00:12:03,416 --> 00:12:05,202
Peter, your wife
is such a pig.
251
00:12:05,227 --> 00:12:09,034
Oh, I don't know about that, Jamie.
Pigs eat slop, Lois only cooks it.
252
00:12:10,773 --> 00:12:13,539
What the hell? Peter, can I
speak with you for a second?
253
00:12:13,573 --> 00:12:16,370
Oh, hang on, guys,
I got to talk to my dog.
254
00:12:16,404 --> 00:12:18,139
What the hell
are you doing?
255
00:12:18,181 --> 00:12:19,643
I'm just gabbing
with the girls.
256
00:12:19,677 --> 00:12:21,275
You know our cycles
have lined up?
257
00:12:21,317 --> 00:12:23,316
Mine's from wiping too hard.
258
00:12:23,350 --> 00:12:25,317
You're saying horrible things
about Lois.
259
00:12:25,351 --> 00:12:27,022
Oh, yeah,
it cracks up the ladies.
260
00:12:27,056 --> 00:12:30,192
Yesterday, Karen laughed so hard
she popped a button on her jeans.
261
00:12:30,226 --> 00:12:31,425
And then she cried.
262
00:12:31,499 --> 00:12:34,461
Peter, Lois is your wife. You
should be defending her,
263
00:12:34,486 --> 00:12:36,667
not talking trash and
gossiping behind her back
264
00:12:36,692 --> 00:12:38,965
like some kind of
Midwestern teenager.
265
00:12:38,990 --> 00:12:41,709
Did you gals hear about Allie
Gallagher?
266
00:12:41,734 --> 00:12:43,600
She let Alan Ackerman
smack her in the back
267
00:12:43,625 --> 00:12:45,875
with his tallywhacker
behind the snack shack.
268
00:12:45,917 --> 00:12:50,019
What? Nobody here in Maryland understands
a single word you're saying.
269
00:12:50,053 --> 00:12:51,587
You should move
back to Minnesota.
270
00:12:51,622 --> 00:12:56,456
I can't go back. I Snapchatted Matt
Gackerack a Kodak of my ass crack!
271
00:13:00,164 --> 00:13:01,690
Hey, Lois?
272
00:13:01,732 --> 00:13:04,065
I did something bad
I need to tell you about.
273
00:13:04,099 --> 00:13:05,361
Peter, I know.
274
00:13:05,395 --> 00:13:09,031
You used some of my magazines for
your fake ransom notes. It's okay.
275
00:13:09,065 --> 00:13:10,366
No, no, no, no,
that's not it.
276
00:13:10,400 --> 00:13:12,320
But did you put the ice
cream where the guy said?
277
00:13:12,337 --> 00:13:13,968
Because he will
hurt your family.
278
00:13:14,002 --> 00:13:17,073
Look, the thing is,
me and my new girlfriends,
279
00:13:17,107 --> 00:13:20,714
we've kind of been talking trash about
you and laughing behind your back.
280
00:13:20,748 --> 00:13:23,913
Peter, of course your new friends
have been talking crap about me.
281
00:13:23,947 --> 00:13:25,385
That's what women do.
282
00:13:25,419 --> 00:13:28,449
What?
So... you're not mad?
283
00:13:28,491 --> 00:13:32,656
Well, I'm not thrilled, but I understand
what it's like to be friends with women.
284
00:13:32,690 --> 00:13:35,327
I'm sure they talk trash
about you behind your back.
285
00:13:35,361 --> 00:13:37,127
They most
certainly do not!
286
00:13:37,161 --> 00:13:40,928
I guarantee you that as soon as you leave
the room, they tear you to shreds.
287
00:13:40,970 --> 00:13:43,536
That's not true. If it was,
I would've figured it out.
288
00:13:43,561 --> 00:13:46,388
Just like I figured out who was
stealing my lunch at work.
289
00:13:48,405 --> 00:13:50,685
Next time there's a
sandwich in the fridge
290
00:13:50,712 --> 00:13:53,283
with somebody's name on it,
don't eat it, scumbag!
291
00:13:53,308 --> 00:13:54,641
Please, you don't understand!
292
00:13:54,675 --> 00:13:57,863
Oh, I understand. That lunch
didn't have your name on it,
293
00:13:57,888 --> 00:13:59,390
but this bullet does.
294
00:14:01,514 --> 00:14:04,513
My name is Peter, too...!
295
00:14:09,448 --> 00:14:12,888
Ugh, have you guys seen
the new Jessica Biel movie?
296
00:14:12,922 --> 00:14:14,592
I-I don't get
what men see in her.
297
00:14:14,626 --> 00:14:16,424
Um, her dumper?
298
00:14:16,458 --> 00:14:19,191
I just think she's
really plain-looking.
299
00:14:19,233 --> 00:14:20,625
She kind of annoys me.
300
00:14:20,650 --> 00:14:23,412
You know who's really beautiful?
Joan Allen.
301
00:14:23,437 --> 00:14:25,306
Yes!
Uh, stunning.
302
00:14:25,340 --> 00:14:28,369
Yeah, uh... I-I think, um...
303
00:14:28,411 --> 00:14:30,532
Um, I'm maybe gonna
go use the restroom
304
00:14:30,557 --> 00:14:33,923
and let you guys talk about
whatever you're gonna talk about.
305
00:14:37,654 --> 00:14:42,042
Huh, I guess Peter made it to the bathroom,
'cause I can't feel him walking anymore.
306
00:14:42,067 --> 00:14:45,435
I know. "Fee-Fi-fo-fum!" Right?
307
00:14:49,035 --> 00:14:51,635
And what about
those drugstore glasses?
308
00:14:51,660 --> 00:14:55,644
These aren't drugstore glasses, they
came from a doctor Halloween costume.
309
00:14:57,149 --> 00:14:58,747
Lois was right.
310
00:14:58,780 --> 00:15:00,912
They are making fun of me
behind my back.
311
00:15:00,946 --> 00:15:03,143
They're like a nasty wolf pack.
312
00:15:03,185 --> 00:15:07,011
Hey, man, just a heads-up: instead
of howling at the moon tonight,
313
00:15:07,045 --> 00:15:10,120
we're all gonna yell
"cock-a-doodle-doo!"
314
00:15:10,145 --> 00:15:11,894
Really?
That seems weird.
315
00:15:11,919 --> 00:15:14,448
I'm just trying to make sure
you don't look silly.
316
00:15:18,873 --> 00:15:20,742
Cock-a-doodle-doo!
317
00:15:23,007 --> 00:15:25,363
What an idiot!
He actually believed me!
318
00:15:25,388 --> 00:15:28,014
That's what a rooster
says, not a wolf!
319
00:15:31,281 --> 00:15:33,512
Hi, Daddy!
How was howling at the moon?
320
00:15:33,546 --> 00:15:36,797
: Shut up! Why aren't you asleep?
Why isn't he asleep?
321
00:15:36,822 --> 00:15:39,629
Leave him alone! Have you
been drinking again, Phil?
322
00:15:39,654 --> 00:15:42,282
That's none of your business!
I never wanted a cub!
323
00:15:42,316 --> 00:15:45,987
Get out! Get out now and
don't ever come back!
324
00:15:48,326 --> 00:15:51,394
Hey, buddy,
want to get high?
325
00:15:56,127 --> 00:15:57,828
Oh, my God. Phil?
326
00:15:57,862 --> 00:15:59,892
Hey... Robert.
327
00:15:59,926 --> 00:16:04,162
Wow. Ah, hey, listen, man...
328
00:16:04,196 --> 00:16:06,033
Cock-a-doodle-doo!
329
00:16:16,705 --> 00:16:20,709
"Cock-a-doodle-doo" is a passion project
I'd been mulling over for years,
330
00:16:20,743 --> 00:16:23,509
and when Family Guy gave me
the opportunity to shoot it,
331
00:16:23,543 --> 00:16:28,515
I knew there was only one actor who could
portray Phil the Wolf: Glenn Quagmire.
332
00:16:28,549 --> 00:16:31,344
Peter gave me a beer that tasted
funny, and when I woke up,
333
00:16:31,386 --> 00:16:33,616
I was wearing lipstick
and a wolf suit.
334
00:16:38,006 --> 00:16:41,490
Lois, you were right. Those
women were talking about me.
335
00:16:41,531 --> 00:16:43,259
Oh, dear.
What did they say?
336
00:16:43,301 --> 00:16:45,639
I don't even remember,
there was such a long cutaway,
337
00:16:45,664 --> 00:16:47,227
but I know it was really mean.
338
00:16:47,252 --> 00:16:48,871
Oh, I'm so
sorry, Peter.
339
00:16:48,905 --> 00:16:50,271
So what do I do now?
340
00:16:50,305 --> 00:16:53,084
Confront them face-to-face
and explain why I'm angry?
341
00:16:53,109 --> 00:16:57,278
Of course not. Being friends with
women is way more complex than that.
342
00:16:57,312 --> 00:16:59,678
You need to be more
underhanded and vicious.
343
00:16:59,719 --> 00:17:03,252
You and I will get revenge
on those bitches lady-style.
344
00:17:03,286 --> 00:17:05,683
Really?
We'll-we'll do it together?
345
00:17:05,717 --> 00:17:07,051
Yeah, it'll be fun.
346
00:17:07,084 --> 00:17:09,817
Like when we watched
Battlestar Galactica together.
347
00:17:09,859 --> 00:17:12,024
Now, which Cylon is that?
348
00:17:12,058 --> 00:17:14,455
Ah, I-I don't know.
I think it's Number Six.
349
00:17:14,489 --> 00:17:17,791
Wait, i-is that the same Number
Six that had sex with Dr. Baltar?
350
00:17:17,825 --> 00:17:19,405
I don't... I've been...
I've been watching this
351
00:17:19,432 --> 00:17:21,344
the same exact amount
of time you have, Lois.
352
00:17:21,369 --> 00:17:22,631
I don't know
anything you don't.
353
00:17:22,665 --> 00:17:25,490
Ooh, what does that green button
on the far panel do?
354
00:17:25,515 --> 00:17:28,669
How in God's name would I know that?!
I don't know!
355
00:17:28,703 --> 00:17:32,170
It's green, so it probably
makes something go.
356
00:17:35,042 --> 00:17:36,968
Hello?
Peter, where are you?
357
00:17:36,993 --> 00:17:38,655
I thought we were gonna
go after Becca.
358
00:17:38,670 --> 00:17:41,294
Way ahead of you, Lois.
I just cut her brakes.
359
00:17:41,319 --> 00:17:44,009
What?! Don't you think
that's a little dangerous?
360
00:17:44,043 --> 00:17:46,440
Hey, you're the one who said
we should try to ruin her marriage.
361
00:17:46,474 --> 00:17:48,975
She bangs up her car,
her husband's gonna be furious.
362
00:17:50,010 --> 00:17:50,842
What was that?
363
00:17:50,867 --> 00:17:52,455
Oh, I-I just ran a red light.
364
00:17:52,480 --> 00:17:54,080
My car won't slow down
for some reason.
365
00:17:54,114 --> 00:17:55,882
Anyway, this is
gonna be awesome.
366
00:17:55,924 --> 00:17:57,857
Geez, I'm going, like, 95.
367
00:17:57,891 --> 00:18:00,325
Peter, are you sure
you didn't cut your brakes?
368
00:18:00,350 --> 00:18:02,063
That's ridiculous.
Why would I cut my own...
369
00:18:02,088 --> 00:18:04,063
Kids, get out of the way!
I can't stop!
370
00:18:07,790 --> 00:18:09,524
All right, Peter,
next is Jamie.
371
00:18:09,566 --> 00:18:11,729
Now, what's the most
important thing in her life?
372
00:18:11,763 --> 00:18:14,624
Oh, that's easy. Her daughter
Emily is a competitive diver.
373
00:18:14,666 --> 00:18:18,369
The whole family's dream is that she
gets a spot on the U.S. Olympic Team.
374
00:18:18,403 --> 00:18:21,670
Okay, so get a lead pipe and
bust this girl's kneecaps.
375
00:18:21,704 --> 00:18:24,670
No, no, no, Lois. That's not
how we're gonna do this.
376
00:18:24,703 --> 00:18:26,940
♪ Out on the streets ♪
377
00:18:26,974 --> 00:18:28,172
♪ That's where we'll meet ♪
378
00:18:28,206 --> 00:18:29,838
♪ You make the night ♪
379
00:18:29,880 --> 00:18:32,575
♪ I always cross the line ♪
380
00:18:32,617 --> 00:18:34,421
♪ Tightened our belts ♪
381
00:18:34,446 --> 00:18:36,387
♪ Abused ourselves ♪
382
00:18:36,412 --> 00:18:37,914
♪ Get in our way ♪
383
00:18:37,948 --> 00:18:40,909
♪ We'll put you on your shelf ♪
384
00:18:46,750 --> 00:18:49,022
♪ Round and round ♪
385
00:18:49,056 --> 00:18:51,160
♪ With love we'll find a way ♪
386
00:18:51,194 --> 00:18:52,828
♪ Just give it time ♪
387
00:18:54,033 --> 00:18:56,537
♪ Round and round ♪
388
00:18:56,571 --> 00:18:58,876
♪ What comes around
goes around ♪
389
00:18:58,910 --> 00:19:01,049
♪ I'll tell you why ♪
390
00:19:01,083 --> 00:19:03,554
♪ Yeah ♪
391
00:19:03,588 --> 00:19:05,588
♪ ♪
392
00:19:26,046 --> 00:19:28,350
That's how we're
gonna do this.
393
00:19:34,023 --> 00:19:35,725
Okay, next is Karen.
394
00:19:35,760 --> 00:19:38,096
Now, she's been planning her
daughter's wedding for a year.
395
00:19:38,130 --> 00:19:40,729
If it doesn't go perfectly,
she'll be crushed.
396
00:19:40,763 --> 00:19:43,567
Already on it, Lois.
I bribed one of the busboys.
397
00:19:43,601 --> 00:19:45,966
He has a little surprise
planned for her.
398
00:19:47,103 --> 00:19:49,206
Oh, my God!
Somebody stabbed the groom!
399
00:19:54,281 --> 00:19:56,941
Oh, no,
it's not a perfect day.
400
00:19:58,583 --> 00:20:01,511
Well, we got those
bitches good, huh, Peter?
401
00:20:01,536 --> 00:20:04,023
Yeah, thanks, Lois.
And you were right.
402
00:20:04,057 --> 00:20:07,520
Being friends with women is way too
complicated and way too intense for me.
403
00:20:07,562 --> 00:20:10,259
Now let me just pay the busboy
and we can get out of here.
404
00:20:10,284 --> 00:20:13,312
Ah! I knew he didn't
understand the plan!
405
00:20:19,338 --> 00:20:21,207
Hey, guys.
Oh, hey, Peter.
406
00:20:21,242 --> 00:20:25,238
Look, I-I'm real sorry
I got so worked up at my roast.
407
00:20:25,273 --> 00:20:29,248
And if you're willing, I'd like to
be friends with you guys again.
408
00:20:29,282 --> 00:20:32,845
Because men might punch you in the
gut and call you a fat idiot,
409
00:20:32,879 --> 00:20:35,244
but at least they do it
to your face and own it.
410
00:20:35,286 --> 00:20:36,778
You were mad at us?
411
00:20:36,820 --> 00:20:38,345
Yeah, we ain't spoke
in a week.
412
00:20:38,387 --> 00:20:39,777
I thought you were out of town.
413
00:20:39,802 --> 00:20:42,788
People come, people go.
I didn't give no mind.
414
00:20:42,813 --> 00:20:45,090
So we're-we're
friends again?
415
00:20:45,115 --> 00:20:46,827
We were never not friends,
you idiot.
416
00:20:46,852 --> 00:20:49,817
I love you guys.
Guys are the best.
417
00:20:49,851 --> 00:20:51,250
Not women.
418
00:20:58,756 --> 00:21:00,723
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
WEB-DL sync by jasonnguyen2606