1 00:00:02,068 --> 00:00:05,037 At 60 percent less fat and 20 percent less price... 2 00:00:05,205 --> 00:00:08,800 ...the only thing Kolb Family's Family Pack Ham Packs... 3 00:00:09,009 --> 00:00:11,068 ...don't have less of is flavor. 4 00:00:11,311 --> 00:00:13,370 Ham, girl! 5 00:00:13,546 --> 00:00:15,844 ANNOUNCER: Family Pack Ham Packs from Kolb Family Farms... 6 00:00:16,016 --> 00:00:19,975 - ... the family that's pleased to meat you. - Ham, girl! 7 00:00:20,153 --> 00:00:21,415 WOMAN: You don't know his name... 8 00:00:21,654 --> 00:00:24,555 ...but you know what he says and you love how he says it. 9 00:00:24,791 --> 00:00:26,691 - Ham, girl. - Ham, girl. 10 00:00:26,893 --> 00:00:28,224 - Ham, girl! - Ham, girl! 11 00:00:28,428 --> 00:00:31,864 - Ham, girl! - Ham, girl! 12 00:00:32,032 --> 00:00:34,728 So who is the man who started it all? 13 00:00:34,934 --> 00:00:38,199 Ben Chang, and we have him here with us today. 14 00:00:38,371 --> 00:00:42,831 - You are the "ham, girl" guy. - Heh, heh. Yes, I am the "ham, girl" guy. 15 00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:44,101 How did this happen? 16 00:00:44,344 --> 00:00:47,404 Well, I just kept auditioning, you know, kept working hard. 17 00:00:47,614 --> 00:00:51,880 - And now Spielberg is calling. - Ha, ha, ha. Not, uh... 18 00:00:52,085 --> 00:00:54,849 You know, I don't go by phone calls. I go by contracts. 19 00:00:55,055 --> 00:00:57,182 But Spielberg is interested in you... 20 00:00:57,390 --> 00:01:00,518 ...for the Color Blue in the new Play-Doh movie. Is that right? 21 00:01:00,727 --> 00:01:02,251 Well, maybe, you know. Maybe. 22 00:01:02,462 --> 00:01:07,024 But like I always say, you know, life is a roller coaster. 23 00:01:07,233 --> 00:01:10,100 You were a teacher at a community college in Colorado. 24 00:01:10,270 --> 00:01:13,899 Did you, one day in class, say, "Class dismissed. I'm headed to Hollywood"? 25 00:01:14,074 --> 00:01:16,599 I mean, how did your students react to that? 26 00:01:16,843 --> 00:01:20,438 Well, you know, I haven't spoken to them really. I, um... 27 00:01:20,980 --> 00:01:23,346 - There's not much for me back there. - No friends? 28 00:01:23,950 --> 00:01:25,713 You know, I was kind of a loner. 29 00:01:25,885 --> 00:01:26,943 [ANNIE & BRITTA SCOFFS] 30 00:01:27,120 --> 00:01:30,146 People made fun of me for it, but I just kept my head down... 31 00:01:30,356 --> 00:01:31,948 ...and stayed focused on my work. 32 00:01:32,158 --> 00:01:34,626 WOMAN: Well, they're not making fun of you now, are they? 33 00:01:34,861 --> 00:01:35,885 CHANG: No, they are not. 34 00:01:36,062 --> 00:01:37,222 Can I get a "ham, girl"? 35 00:01:37,430 --> 00:01:41,924 Ham, girl! You know, I don't know if that was... 36 00:01:42,135 --> 00:01:46,265 And there it is, ladies and gentlemen. From community college to something... 37 00:01:46,439 --> 00:01:48,566 - ... a little bit better. JEFF: Turn it off. 38 00:01:48,741 --> 00:01:51,801 Ben Chang is on a rocket ship to eternal validation. 39 00:01:52,011 --> 00:01:53,569 Turn it off. 40 00:01:53,780 --> 00:01:55,680 WOMAN: Thanks so much for being... 41 00:01:58,251 --> 00:02:01,584 Well, it's been three weeks. I'm having his car towed. 42 00:02:02,155 --> 00:02:03,247 [THE 88'S "AT LEAST IT WAS HERE" PLAYING] 43 00:02:03,423 --> 00:02:05,755 ♪ Give me some rope Tie me to dream ♪ 44 00:02:05,925 --> 00:02:08,985 ♪ Give me the hope To run out of steam ♪ 45 00:02:09,162 --> 00:02:12,461 ♪ Somebody said It can be here ♪ 46 00:02:12,632 --> 00:02:16,432 ♪ We could be roped up, tied up Dead in a year ♪ 47 00:02:16,603 --> 00:02:21,040 ♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪ 48 00:02:21,908 --> 00:02:25,901 ♪ One by one They all just fade away ♪♪ 49 00:02:33,953 --> 00:02:35,682 MAN: Here you go. - To Chang. 50 00:02:35,855 --> 00:02:38,449 May your success be brief and your colds last months. 51 00:02:38,625 --> 00:02:40,559 - Jeff... - Hey. You get out of Greendale... 52 00:02:40,727 --> 00:02:42,627 ...or you get me in your corner. You don't get both. 53 00:02:42,795 --> 00:02:44,820 - Ham, girl. - Who would have predicted... 54 00:02:44,998 --> 00:02:46,295 ...Chang becoming famous? 55 00:02:46,499 --> 00:02:48,865 I did, remember? Only I thought it would be for... 56 00:02:49,035 --> 00:02:50,127 ALL: Eating someone. - Yeah. 57 00:02:50,370 --> 00:02:53,464 - Yeah. - Think that Spielberg stuff is happening? 58 00:02:53,673 --> 00:02:54,799 How could that happen? 59 00:02:55,008 --> 00:02:58,466 That would mean the world was insane. 60 00:02:58,678 --> 00:03:00,942 Ham, girl. 61 00:03:01,147 --> 00:03:04,639 Not to be crass, but there is an upside to this financially. 62 00:03:04,851 --> 00:03:08,150 Chang's absence lowers our insurance premiums 6 percent. 63 00:03:08,354 --> 00:03:11,152 There's nothing but upsides to him leaving. 64 00:03:11,357 --> 00:03:13,348 We all just feel a little short-changed. 65 00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:16,085 We invested so much in him when no one else would. 66 00:03:16,262 --> 00:03:18,253 Because we all assumed he was so insane... 67 00:03:18,464 --> 00:03:20,227 ...he would die if we kicked him out. 68 00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:24,097 And this whole time it turns out we were holding him back. 69 00:03:24,337 --> 00:03:25,668 We thought he was bedrock... 70 00:03:25,872 --> 00:03:29,171 ...but it turns out he was the ceiling of a cavern filled with us. 71 00:03:29,375 --> 00:03:31,206 I've already forgotten his name. 72 00:03:31,411 --> 00:03:33,902 Did you ever really know his name? 73 00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:37,015 Chinese fellow, right? Whose name was some kind of noise? 74 00:03:37,183 --> 00:03:38,514 Clang? Blang? Meringue? 75 00:03:38,685 --> 00:03:41,245 ABED: Looks like I'm the only one that's not glad he's gone. 76 00:03:41,421 --> 00:03:43,013 At least I can finally clear some space on my hard drive. 77 00:03:43,189 --> 00:03:44,451 Leonard's been in there... 78 00:03:44,624 --> 00:03:47,787 ...but I can stand guard if you want to use the women's room. 79 00:03:48,261 --> 00:03:51,458 No, I was shooting a movie with Chang before he booked "ham, girl." 80 00:03:51,631 --> 00:03:55,397 I haven't heard from him since so I assume the footage is useless. 81 00:03:55,568 --> 00:03:56,967 Did he sign a release form? 82 00:03:57,136 --> 00:03:59,866 I make all my actors sign releases before we do anything. 83 00:04:00,039 --> 00:04:02,030 You never know who is going to... 84 00:04:02,242 --> 00:04:05,370 The school owns a movie starring the "ham, girl" guy. 85 00:04:05,578 --> 00:04:08,274 Soon to be Spielberg's "ham, girl" guy. 86 00:04:08,514 --> 00:04:09,606 [BRITTA & ANNIE GASP] 87 00:04:09,782 --> 00:04:13,377 - There's no way to finish it though. - What have I told you about quitting? 88 00:04:13,586 --> 00:04:15,713 That it's sometimes the only way to survive. 89 00:04:15,922 --> 00:04:19,915 Well, don't forget I said "sometimes." 90 00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:24,553 Yolanda, the mayor's up my ass. I want justice. 91 00:04:24,764 --> 00:04:26,425 Get him in here! 92 00:04:26,599 --> 00:04:28,157 [PANTING] 93 00:04:28,334 --> 00:04:30,268 Is that right? Should I be angry? 94 00:04:30,470 --> 00:04:33,803 The hero is Police Justice. I had a former cop help me with dialogue. 95 00:04:33,973 --> 00:04:37,272 - I'm gonna punch you in the heart. - Cops aren't great with dialogue. 96 00:04:37,443 --> 00:04:40,503 - I don't think police should be heroes. - Britta, pay your rent. 97 00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:42,910 I'm sorry, Abed. I need more information. 98 00:04:43,082 --> 00:04:45,243 You know, what's my motivation? Am I married? 99 00:04:45,451 --> 00:04:46,850 I need more to go on. 100 00:04:47,086 --> 00:04:48,519 - Can we get lunch? ABED: Okay, cut. 101 00:04:48,688 --> 00:04:52,146 That's all. Chang found out McRib was back, we lost the rest of the day. 102 00:04:52,325 --> 00:04:54,259 - Great actor, huge McRib problem. BRITTA: Hm. 103 00:04:54,460 --> 00:04:59,363 Everybody, this is my friend I told you about. Maury. 104 00:04:59,565 --> 00:05:03,092 A Hollywood film producer whose doctor ordered him to live in Colorado... 105 00:05:03,269 --> 00:05:07,467 ...due to a medical condition. Tell them. - My blood nitrogen levels are through... 106 00:05:07,674 --> 00:05:10,142 - Oh, no, no. The other thing. - Oh, right. 107 00:05:10,310 --> 00:05:13,973 If you can cut an 81 -minute movie that arguable stars the "Ham, girl" guy... 108 00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:16,980 ...I can guarantee distribution and a fast turnaround deal. 109 00:05:17,150 --> 00:05:20,017 People do it with old footage from recently-famous actors. 110 00:05:20,219 --> 00:05:23,848 Have you seen Vin Diesel in 1996's Happy Pants? 111 00:05:24,090 --> 00:05:26,115 ALL: No. - Well, neither has Vin Diesel... 112 00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:29,784 ...but his roommate from film school saw 500 grand. 113 00:05:29,962 --> 00:05:33,489 I can't just burn up my cop drama. My only chance at the success I need... 114 00:05:33,666 --> 00:05:35,224 ...before I'm allowed to make weird stuff for money. 115 00:05:35,401 --> 00:05:37,562 My American Graffiti. Elephant Man, Four Rooms... 116 00:05:37,737 --> 00:05:41,070 - The Robert Rodriguez segment. - Why does it have to be a police movie? 117 00:05:41,240 --> 00:05:44,232 People don't even like police now. They like dinosaurs, aliens. 118 00:05:44,410 --> 00:05:46,401 Anything Chris Pratt can join forces with. 119 00:05:46,612 --> 00:05:48,705 I have three minutes of footage and He's clearly a police chief... 120 00:05:48,881 --> 00:05:50,405 ...behind a desk in New York. - Is he? 121 00:05:50,616 --> 00:05:52,481 Or is it Space York? Or is it a dinosaur desk? 122 00:05:52,685 --> 00:05:56,382 How do I know? You just have to add CG. That's what they do with Chris Pratt. 123 00:05:56,622 --> 00:05:59,887 They put him in a regular scene and then they add some gagoos. 124 00:06:00,126 --> 00:06:02,253 I have a few CG models of some gagoos. 125 00:06:02,428 --> 00:06:04,419 I got fired from a mouthwash commercial... 126 00:06:04,664 --> 00:06:08,395 ...but I successfully won back the rights to my gingivitis monster. 127 00:06:08,634 --> 00:06:13,264 Also, I don't know if it helps, but when I moved into my RV, I found this. 128 00:06:13,539 --> 00:06:15,200 Now, you notice anything strange? 129 00:06:16,876 --> 00:06:18,673 There's no green three in billiards. 130 00:06:18,878 --> 00:06:22,370 Now, there's a green six and a green 14, but never a green three. 131 00:06:22,582 --> 00:06:25,779 So, what sport is this from? 132 00:06:26,018 --> 00:06:28,213 And why was it in my RV? 133 00:06:30,957 --> 00:06:33,755 Anyway, I can do some CG for the movie. 134 00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:37,123 You'll need a Chris Pratt. I'll do it if I have to. I can slouch. 135 00:06:37,296 --> 00:06:40,527 Can't believe you are the ones pitching me this and I'm saying no. 136 00:06:40,700 --> 00:06:43,601 You're not saying no. I mean, legally I can't force you. 137 00:06:43,770 --> 00:06:47,399 But I can do a morning announcement that'll make everyone hate you forever. 138 00:06:47,573 --> 00:06:51,407 Technically, Abed, you would be robbing the school for half a million dollars... 139 00:06:51,577 --> 00:06:52,703 ...by not making this. 140 00:06:52,912 --> 00:06:55,176 - But what movie? - Have you not been listening? 141 00:06:55,381 --> 00:06:59,283 The movie about the "Ham, girl" guy in his space office, fighting some gagoos... 142 00:06:59,452 --> 00:07:02,580 ...led by a Chris Pratt type played by Jeffrey without his shirt. 143 00:07:02,789 --> 00:07:05,280 - It shoots this weekend. ANNIE & FRANKIE: Yeah. 144 00:07:05,825 --> 00:07:08,385 Okay. But I get final cut. It has to be a good movie. 145 00:07:08,594 --> 00:07:11,256 You have to finish that cut by Monday, even if it's bad. 146 00:07:11,464 --> 00:07:13,455 But it has to be good by my standards. 147 00:07:13,699 --> 00:07:17,066 Absolutely, and also if it's terrible, nobody will notice or care. 148 00:07:17,270 --> 00:07:18,760 We're gonna make a good movie? 149 00:07:18,971 --> 00:07:21,337 Definitely, or a bad one. Probably a bad one. 150 00:07:21,574 --> 00:07:22,905 We're all on the same page. 151 00:07:23,109 --> 00:07:24,133 PELTON: Yeah. - I guess so. 152 00:07:24,343 --> 00:07:25,503 FRANKIE: All right. Guys. 153 00:07:25,745 --> 00:07:29,647 - So let's crap out this piece of crap. - That attitude concerns me. 154 00:07:32,084 --> 00:07:33,984 [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING] 155 00:07:37,156 --> 00:07:39,249 CHANG [ECHOING]: I need more information... 156 00:07:42,728 --> 00:07:45,424 What's my motivation? 157 00:07:55,374 --> 00:07:57,740 I need more to go on. 158 00:07:58,044 --> 00:07:59,739 My name is Chief Starr! 159 00:07:59,946 --> 00:08:02,312 And I'm in the stars! 160 00:08:02,515 --> 00:08:03,880 And I'm the hero. 161 00:08:04,116 --> 00:08:06,550 I deserve better. 162 00:08:07,119 --> 00:08:09,815 BRITTA: You're a very gifted pilot, Chief Starr. 163 00:08:12,024 --> 00:08:15,152 I'm the mayor of Outer Space. Why are we changing course? 164 00:08:15,361 --> 00:08:16,487 The mayor's up my ass! 165 00:08:16,696 --> 00:08:19,028 Father! I love him! 166 00:08:19,398 --> 00:08:21,195 [SPACESHIP WHIRRING] 167 00:08:23,035 --> 00:08:24,229 What in the space...? 168 00:08:24,403 --> 00:08:25,734 GLIPGLOP: Yooba-dooba-dooba. 169 00:08:25,905 --> 00:08:28,567 - We're under attack! - By whom, GlipGlop? 170 00:08:29,175 --> 00:08:30,199 ABED: Okay. Cut! 171 00:08:30,409 --> 00:08:32,843 - Why are we cutting? - Felt good to me. Moving on? 172 00:08:33,346 --> 00:08:36,076 - Just a couple of adjustments. - You get two. 173 00:08:36,282 --> 00:08:38,910 Move when the ship gets hit. It looks weird when you stand still. 174 00:08:39,151 --> 00:08:41,016 Britta, it sounds weird when you use good grammar. 175 00:08:41,187 --> 00:08:44,179 - My character can't have good grammar? - Not in a space battle. 176 00:08:44,357 --> 00:08:47,053 Everything else sounds natural, like I'm a space senator. 177 00:08:47,226 --> 00:08:49,888 Mayor. I'm matching your dialogue to what I have from Chang. 178 00:08:50,096 --> 00:08:51,586 - What are my lines? ABED: You don't have any. 179 00:08:51,831 --> 00:08:53,992 - You're the backup Chang. - But we have Chang's footage. 180 00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:55,724 This shot matches the back of Chang's shot. 181 00:08:55,902 --> 00:08:57,563 Chang is Chief Starr, he's the pilot of a spaceship. 182 00:08:57,737 --> 00:08:59,500 - You're Princess Meridian. - Brittana. 183 00:08:59,705 --> 00:09:03,607 Jeff is her father, the mayor of Space, and you guys are under attack. Action. 184 00:09:05,311 --> 00:09:07,404 What in the space...? 185 00:09:08,915 --> 00:09:10,280 We're under attack! 186 00:09:10,449 --> 00:09:12,349 Cut. Where are you guys seeing GlipGlop? 187 00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:15,612 - You said GlipGlop was the tennis ball. - Garrett's not GlipGlop? 188 00:09:15,821 --> 00:09:19,120 If I was GlipGlop, why would I be holding a tennis ball on a stick? 189 00:09:19,325 --> 00:09:21,919 Why wear a blouse? It's sci-fi, it doesn't matter. 190 00:09:22,094 --> 00:09:24,460 Please don't say that. I know you don't mean that. 191 00:09:24,630 --> 00:09:27,963 The tennis ball is GlipGlop and please stumble in the same direction. 192 00:09:28,134 --> 00:09:29,192 Go! Action! Bang! 193 00:09:30,870 --> 00:09:32,565 What in space...? 194 00:09:32,772 --> 00:09:34,899 Yooba-dooba-dooba. We're under attack! 195 00:09:35,107 --> 00:09:37,041 Who by? Who attack? 196 00:09:37,243 --> 00:09:38,904 Me princess. 197 00:09:39,111 --> 00:09:40,339 It's the Sporborfians! 198 00:09:43,082 --> 00:09:44,947 [RUMBLING] 199 00:09:45,117 --> 00:09:47,244 Okay. I'm ready. 200 00:09:47,453 --> 00:09:48,477 Are you ready? 201 00:09:49,488 --> 00:09:50,978 [BEEPING] 202 00:09:51,357 --> 00:09:53,120 Are we rolling? 203 00:09:54,293 --> 00:09:55,419 Are we rolling? 204 00:09:55,628 --> 00:09:56,720 BRITTA: We're rolling! 205 00:10:04,170 --> 00:10:05,398 [BRITTA SIGHS] 206 00:10:06,238 --> 00:10:08,365 Get to the escape pods. 207 00:10:08,574 --> 00:10:10,235 For real? You picked that outfit? 208 00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:12,673 - Britta! I... - It's Meridian. Keep going. 209 00:10:12,912 --> 00:10:15,676 Insane. And what is your name, Exploitia? 210 00:10:15,915 --> 00:10:17,576 Scorpio Nine. 211 00:10:17,783 --> 00:10:19,512 I'm a pleasure droid. 212 00:10:19,752 --> 00:10:22,482 - No. I'm an assassin? JEFF: You're both. Keep going. 213 00:10:22,655 --> 00:10:25,021 She was a pleasure droid, turned into an assassin. 214 00:10:25,191 --> 00:10:26,954 She's my other daughter. Your sister. 215 00:10:27,126 --> 00:10:29,026 Get to the escape pods. 216 00:10:29,261 --> 00:10:31,752 And then we go. This way. 217 00:10:33,532 --> 00:10:35,432 ABED: Check on Chief Starr, Jeff. 218 00:10:35,768 --> 00:10:36,826 Chief Starr? 219 00:10:37,036 --> 00:10:38,094 What? 220 00:10:38,304 --> 00:10:41,034 JEFF: I'll see you in hell. - What? 221 00:10:41,273 --> 00:10:44,470 Mayor, your ass is grass. 222 00:10:44,677 --> 00:10:46,304 Okay, cut. 223 00:10:46,512 --> 00:10:48,446 [BELL RINGING] 224 00:10:51,283 --> 00:10:54,480 - There are some things that we could... - Okay, moving on, people! 225 00:10:57,056 --> 00:10:58,182 Okay, moving on! 226 00:10:58,424 --> 00:11:01,689 Next shot, Space Station Faculty Lounge, thank you. 227 00:11:01,927 --> 00:11:04,555 Abed. We need to move a little faster, I think. 228 00:11:04,797 --> 00:11:08,028 - Can I explain something? - Wish you'd look at what I was wearing... 229 00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:11,727 ...and let that be all the explanation you need about our standards. 230 00:11:11,937 --> 00:11:14,906 You understand sci-fi films aren't improvised over a weekend... 231 00:11:15,074 --> 00:11:17,065 ...with a cast and crew that doesn't care? 232 00:11:17,243 --> 00:11:20,974 We care about finishing. And this has to be finished by Monday... 233 00:11:21,147 --> 00:11:23,513 ...so you back into a level of quality from there. 234 00:11:24,150 --> 00:11:26,550 Let me use a metaphor I can understand. 235 00:11:26,752 --> 00:11:28,049 Every day I work out. 236 00:11:28,220 --> 00:11:30,484 - Really? - Because I'm not an artist like you... 237 00:11:30,656 --> 00:11:33,318 ...but this is a kind of canvas. 238 00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:37,257 I work on it with equipment, but I will never really be done. 239 00:11:37,496 --> 00:11:40,363 - Could be if you wanted. You're... - This will never be done. 240 00:11:40,533 --> 00:11:43,696 Chris Pratt's never gonna stop, is he? He'll always be mocking me. 241 00:11:43,903 --> 00:11:47,361 So I can never stop. Just like you'll never stop making movies. 242 00:11:47,573 --> 00:11:50,337 But I don't stay on one treadmill my entire life... 243 00:11:50,509 --> 00:11:53,069 ...staring at commercials for movies with Chris Pratt. 244 00:11:53,245 --> 00:11:55,475 I take my work into the world. 245 00:11:55,681 --> 00:11:57,342 I "premiere" it. 246 00:11:57,550 --> 00:12:00,883 I share it with the public. Don't stay in the gym, Abed. 247 00:12:01,087 --> 00:12:04,420 Get this session done, get out there and get your shirt off. Got it? 248 00:12:05,024 --> 00:12:07,584 Yes? Yes. 249 00:12:08,394 --> 00:12:10,726 [♪♪♪] 250 00:12:10,896 --> 00:12:12,864 I'm ready. Let's do this. 251 00:12:13,065 --> 00:12:17,525 [♪♪♪] 252 00:12:17,803 --> 00:12:19,236 [BEEPING] 253 00:12:20,873 --> 00:12:23,273 [SOFT MUSIC PLAYING] 254 00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:28,407 [ALIENS MAKING NOISES] 255 00:12:34,019 --> 00:12:36,749 I understand you're looking for you friend? 256 00:12:36,956 --> 00:12:39,322 - Yeah. - I'm Minotaur Man. 257 00:12:39,558 --> 00:12:43,460 - What? - Friends are hard to come by in space. 258 00:12:43,662 --> 00:12:47,928 You'd better take this for protection. 259 00:12:51,403 --> 00:12:53,894 The sound you hear coming from that gun I gave you... 260 00:12:54,106 --> 00:12:57,940 ...is 40,000 hyper-watts of laser. Ha, ha, ha. 261 00:12:58,344 --> 00:13:00,642 Oh, don't worry about that. I can put that back. 262 00:13:00,846 --> 00:13:04,043 Sometimes my eye falls off because I'm a robot. 263 00:13:04,483 --> 00:13:06,815 - Ah! ELROY: Watch out! 264 00:13:07,052 --> 00:13:08,610 Ah! 265 00:13:08,821 --> 00:13:11,119 [SCREAMING] 266 00:13:11,957 --> 00:13:14,551 [SCREAMING] 267 00:13:16,195 --> 00:13:18,663 [SOFT MUSIC PLAYING AND ALL CHATTERING] 268 00:13:18,864 --> 00:13:20,331 How about this bar? 269 00:13:20,566 --> 00:13:24,093 Everyone here is so accustomed to violence. Ha, ha. 270 00:13:24,303 --> 00:13:26,965 I need... I need to know... 271 00:13:27,173 --> 00:13:28,868 - Where your friends are? - Yeah. 272 00:13:29,108 --> 00:13:30,575 You're not gonna like this. 273 00:13:30,776 --> 00:13:35,304 Your friends have been taken prisoner by Master... Master... 274 00:13:35,514 --> 00:13:36,572 Dracula. 275 00:13:40,119 --> 00:13:41,518 [GRUNTING] 276 00:13:45,024 --> 00:13:49,791 Wild west, baby. Space version of the wild west. Ha, ha, ha. 277 00:13:51,497 --> 00:13:52,555 ABED: Cut. 278 00:13:52,731 --> 00:13:53,993 [BELL RINGING] 279 00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:56,495 Okay. 280 00:13:56,702 --> 00:13:57,828 My eye fell off. 281 00:13:58,037 --> 00:13:59,299 But I... I covered. 282 00:14:08,614 --> 00:14:10,206 JEFF: Unh. Unh. 283 00:14:10,382 --> 00:14:12,714 - Perfect. Moving on. Hallway. ALL: Yes! 284 00:14:12,885 --> 00:14:14,216 [EXTRAS CHEERING] 285 00:14:19,658 --> 00:14:21,421 Take that! 286 00:14:23,395 --> 00:14:24,419 JEFF: This is crazy. 287 00:14:25,664 --> 00:14:27,632 Here, let me do this. 288 00:14:27,833 --> 00:14:28,857 BRITTA: What are you doing? 289 00:14:29,068 --> 00:14:32,231 You make everything harder for all women when you do that. 290 00:14:32,438 --> 00:14:33,666 I'm improvising. 291 00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:35,067 Improvise pockets! 292 00:14:35,274 --> 00:14:37,765 Pay your rent or shut up! 293 00:14:41,914 --> 00:14:43,381 Laser bomb! 294 00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:58,526 Yooba-dooba-dooba! GlipGlop like. 295 00:14:58,931 --> 00:15:00,558 ROBOT: Yooba-dooba-dooba. 296 00:15:00,733 --> 00:15:03,896 Yooba-dooba-dooba. Yooba-dooba-dooba. 297 00:15:05,771 --> 00:15:08,103 So the robot also says, "Yooba-dooba"? 298 00:15:09,375 --> 00:15:12,811 I'm not complaining, it's just that everyone who's not a person is saying: 299 00:15:12,978 --> 00:15:15,742 - "Yooba-dooba" - Maybe it's because I'm a spy. 300 00:15:16,548 --> 00:15:18,175 He's a spy! 301 00:15:18,384 --> 00:15:19,817 I'm an evil spy. 302 00:15:20,386 --> 00:15:21,785 GlipGlop is a spy! 303 00:15:21,987 --> 00:15:23,784 [SCREAMING] 304 00:15:23,956 --> 00:15:25,685 GlipGlop's a spy? 305 00:15:25,891 --> 00:15:27,415 ABED: We went with it. 306 00:15:28,460 --> 00:15:30,257 Okay, shot, shot. 307 00:15:30,462 --> 00:15:33,124 Okay, now that... Now that he's dead... 308 00:15:33,299 --> 00:15:36,132 ...and there's one robot left, let's go through the thing. 309 00:15:36,302 --> 00:15:37,326 Go. 310 00:15:37,569 --> 00:15:40,732 Yooba-dooba-dooba. Yooba-dooba-dooba. 311 00:15:40,906 --> 00:15:41,930 Yooba-dooba-dooba. 312 00:15:44,643 --> 00:15:46,975 Whoa! 313 00:15:47,313 --> 00:15:48,803 Ah! 314 00:15:53,619 --> 00:15:55,917 Space garbage. 315 00:15:56,121 --> 00:15:58,112 - Look! ANNIE: Ah! 316 00:15:58,290 --> 00:15:59,621 JEFF: We're gonna get crushed. 317 00:15:59,792 --> 00:16:02,090 And is there a monster? 318 00:16:03,495 --> 00:16:05,588 MONSTER: Eeh! ALL: Ah! 319 00:16:05,798 --> 00:16:07,527 But so what? We're gonna get crushed. 320 00:16:09,134 --> 00:16:12,661 - Uh... I love you? - I love you. 321 00:16:12,871 --> 00:16:14,168 That's your daughter. 322 00:16:14,373 --> 00:16:17,308 - You're my daughter. - You said we were sisters, dumb-ass. 323 00:16:17,509 --> 00:16:20,808 That's hot. It's like Chinatown in space. 324 00:16:21,013 --> 00:16:24,244 [ALL SCREAMING] 325 00:16:25,017 --> 00:16:27,952 - And I'm the hero? ALL: Yay! 326 00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:30,788 - Let's do this. - Yeah! Ha, ha, ha. 327 00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:32,355 They're saved! Ha, ha. 328 00:16:36,261 --> 00:16:37,819 I feel the force. 329 00:16:38,030 --> 00:16:39,190 What? 330 00:16:39,398 --> 00:16:42,060 I don't feel the force, I'm not allowed to. 331 00:16:42,301 --> 00:16:44,826 What do I feel? 332 00:16:45,671 --> 00:16:48,367 I feel Dracula force. 333 00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:51,636 I feel Dracula signals. 334 00:16:53,312 --> 00:16:55,007 PELTON: Your ass is mine. 335 00:16:58,417 --> 00:17:02,319 That last stunt you pulled put six of my best guys in the hospital, maniac. 336 00:17:02,521 --> 00:17:05,388 I'm more than a maniac. 337 00:17:05,724 --> 00:17:08,022 I'm Dracula. 338 00:17:22,107 --> 00:17:23,165 Jesus Chr... 339 00:17:23,375 --> 00:17:24,933 Jesus Christ. Oh, my God! 340 00:17:25,177 --> 00:17:26,576 Jesus Christ, they shot him. 341 00:17:28,514 --> 00:17:29,947 Who am I? 342 00:17:30,182 --> 00:17:31,672 What's my motivation? 343 00:17:31,884 --> 00:17:35,911 Why am I doing or saying anything I'm saying or doing? 344 00:17:36,121 --> 00:17:39,921 I need more... I need more than what I'm getting. 345 00:17:48,233 --> 00:17:49,700 [SIGHS] 346 00:17:50,202 --> 00:17:52,932 [♪♪♪] 347 00:17:55,908 --> 00:17:58,706 Oh! It's incredible. It's incredible. 348 00:17:58,911 --> 00:18:00,344 Congratulations. 349 00:18:01,146 --> 00:18:03,080 - How long is it? - Eighty-seven minutes. 350 00:18:03,749 --> 00:18:05,910 Get it to 8-1. That means 81. 351 00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:08,451 I'll make some calls, we'll premiere this thing... 352 00:18:08,654 --> 00:18:11,714 ...and we'll get your school a check. JEFF: Oh. 353 00:18:11,924 --> 00:18:13,858 [ELROY LAUGHS] 354 00:18:15,294 --> 00:18:18,320 - So which six minutes should we cut? FRANKIE: Oh. 355 00:18:18,497 --> 00:18:20,488 Jeff"s death scene probably, right? Yeah. 356 00:18:20,732 --> 00:18:22,427 - Mine? - Yeah, in the space dungeon? 357 00:18:22,601 --> 00:18:25,434 - There's no Chang in that. - How long is Jeff"s death scene? 358 00:18:25,604 --> 00:18:28,095 Yeah, how long is it? We're really zeroing in on it. 359 00:18:29,508 --> 00:18:31,305 Do you think I'm frightened? 360 00:18:31,743 --> 00:18:35,008 These chains were forged from the iron of Ganymede. 361 00:18:35,647 --> 00:18:40,812 [VIDEO FAST-FORWARDING] 362 00:18:42,121 --> 00:18:46,683 I'm not gonna tell you where he is. I'd rather die. 363 00:18:47,025 --> 00:18:49,858 Hm. Seems pretty important he doesn't give up Chang. 364 00:18:50,028 --> 00:18:53,293 Otherwise the last thing he says to him is, "I'll see you in hell." 365 00:18:53,465 --> 00:18:57,401 BRITTA: Uh... - It's not really a movie about him. 366 00:18:57,603 --> 00:18:59,833 BRITTA: Yeah. - Well, what about your steel drum solo? 367 00:19:00,005 --> 00:19:01,666 I don't think we should lose that. 368 00:19:01,907 --> 00:19:04,637 What about the weird wedding ritual on GlipGlop's planet, huh? 369 00:19:04,810 --> 00:19:07,278 Um, okay, let's not throw out the baby... 370 00:19:07,446 --> 00:19:10,711 ...with the bathwater. - We're not cutting a frame of GlipGlop. 371 00:19:10,916 --> 00:19:13,476 That's like cutting Cowboy out of Midnight Cowboy. 372 00:19:13,685 --> 00:19:16,779 Jeff"s death scene is six minutes, 30 seconds. 373 00:19:16,989 --> 00:19:19,457 PELTON: There you go. - Okay, cool. Easy enough. 374 00:19:19,625 --> 00:19:21,991 Um, should we...? Before we finish editing... 375 00:19:22,194 --> 00:19:25,027 ...should we get those hornets out of the garbage? 376 00:19:25,230 --> 00:19:27,721 The swarming hornets? 377 00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:30,134 [ALL GASP] 378 00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:34,871 - Is that serious? - Is he doing a bit? 379 00:19:35,207 --> 00:19:36,697 That's a long bit. 380 00:19:36,942 --> 00:19:38,034 Oh, he's serious. 381 00:19:38,243 --> 00:19:42,043 I mean, let's face it. It's pretty obvious when he's acting. 382 00:19:45,951 --> 00:19:47,509 Let's do this. 383 00:19:47,719 --> 00:19:49,346 KYLE [ON VIDEO]: Yo, yo, yo, howdy. 384 00:19:49,555 --> 00:19:52,023 Welcome to Kyle Beiderman's editing tutorials. 385 00:19:52,224 --> 00:19:53,316 I'm Kyle Beiderman. 386 00:19:53,525 --> 00:19:54,856 Yeah, that Kyle Beiderman. 387 00:19:55,027 --> 00:19:56,085 [KNOCKING ON DOOR] 388 00:19:56,261 --> 00:19:57,523 Leave me alone, Abed. 389 00:19:57,729 --> 00:20:00,197 Once I watch this tutorial on how editing works... 390 00:20:00,399 --> 00:20:03,835 ...I'm gonna save this movie without removing its soul. 391 00:20:04,236 --> 00:20:07,171 KYLE: Step one, how to correctly label your files. 392 00:20:07,339 --> 00:20:09,170 No, no. Who cares about labeling files? 393 00:20:09,374 --> 00:20:10,705 Teach me to edit. 394 00:20:10,909 --> 00:20:12,376 [RATTLING] 395 00:20:12,544 --> 00:20:14,478 What the hell was that? 396 00:20:17,249 --> 00:20:21,117 - You stay away. This is my movie too. - Not even a movie. It's a piece of crap. 397 00:20:21,286 --> 00:20:24,278 - Doesn't mean it can't be good. - It's basically what it means. 398 00:20:24,489 --> 00:20:27,014 You stay away, Abed. I'm not kidding. 399 00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:29,126 I'm huge and I have zero blood sugar. 400 00:20:29,361 --> 00:20:32,853 I will kill you in these Frisbees and nobody will ever find you. 401 00:20:33,632 --> 00:20:36,294 KYLE: Okay, so now let's get familiar with the user interface. 402 00:20:36,535 --> 00:20:38,264 No! Just teach me to edit! 403 00:20:38,503 --> 00:20:40,494 - Boing-tanga! - Argh! 404 00:20:40,706 --> 00:20:42,731 [ABED SCREAMING] 405 00:20:43,909 --> 00:20:46,901 I'm going to kill you! 406 00:20:47,112 --> 00:20:49,376 ABED: You're killing me. - I told you. 407 00:20:49,581 --> 00:20:50,946 ABED: You're literally killing me. 408 00:20:51,149 --> 00:20:52,810 JEFF: For real? - Yes. 409 00:20:57,956 --> 00:20:59,617 Are you nuts? 410 00:20:59,825 --> 00:21:01,087 What is wrong with you? 411 00:21:01,293 --> 00:21:04,319 Every single one of you is gonna leave here except for me. 412 00:21:05,030 --> 00:21:06,588 Troy, Shirley. 413 00:21:06,798 --> 00:21:08,265 Annie's gonna be president. 414 00:21:08,467 --> 00:21:10,298 Even Pierce got to die. 415 00:21:10,535 --> 00:21:12,435 Now Chang goes to Hollywood... 416 00:21:12,604 --> 00:21:15,402 ...so we force you to make the crappiest movie of all time... 417 00:21:15,574 --> 00:21:18,975 ...then force you to make it crappier. We watch it, it's not even bad. 418 00:21:19,144 --> 00:21:23,911 The part I accidentally got most excited about is the seven minutes we can cut. 419 00:21:24,082 --> 00:21:26,676 - You know what that means? - I'm a genius. We knew that. 420 00:21:26,918 --> 00:21:28,647 I finally know in my heart... 421 00:21:28,854 --> 00:21:32,255 ...that I will literally be the last one of us here. 422 00:21:32,991 --> 00:21:36,825 And I know they gave digital muscles to Chris Pratt in Guardians of the Galaxy. 423 00:21:37,062 --> 00:21:38,586 I watched Parks and Rec. 424 00:21:38,764 --> 00:21:40,994 - There's no scientific explanation for... - Jeff. 425 00:21:44,569 --> 00:21:48,005 You helped me learn something about filmmaking we need to apply to life. 426 00:21:48,173 --> 00:21:50,801 It's okay to plan stuff, figure out what we did wrong. 427 00:21:50,976 --> 00:21:54,468 Plans are randomly gonna fall apart, lessons are randomly gonna be wrong. 428 00:21:54,680 --> 00:21:56,671 If we keep the cameras rolling and shoot a lot of crap... 429 00:21:56,882 --> 00:22:00,943 ...eventually Annie is going to reach down her shirt and pull out a laser bomb. 430 00:22:01,153 --> 00:22:06,648 I didn't write that. We didn't plan that. God made that happen. 431 00:22:06,858 --> 00:22:08,985 God made this movie... 432 00:22:09,461 --> 00:22:11,122 ...and it's dumb. 433 00:22:11,330 --> 00:22:12,820 And we're dumb for being in it. 434 00:22:13,498 --> 00:22:15,989 Life is a big, dumb, pointless movie with no story... 435 00:22:16,168 --> 00:22:18,329 ...and an abrupt ending where the hero gets shot by Dracula... 436 00:22:18,503 --> 00:22:21,131 ...in the middle of a lunch order during an outtake... 437 00:22:21,306 --> 00:22:23,331 ...but somewhere, every once in a while... 438 00:22:23,542 --> 00:22:25,840 Annie reaches down her shirt. 439 00:22:33,518 --> 00:22:36,885 So we keep the cameras rolling. We edit out the parts we don't like... 440 00:22:37,055 --> 00:22:40,718 ...and we stop thinking about Chris Pratt so much because it is not healthy. 441 00:22:49,835 --> 00:22:50,995 Will you do me a favor? 442 00:22:51,203 --> 00:22:53,728 I never tell anybody about our private conversations. 443 00:22:53,939 --> 00:22:56,134 Let's cut my stupid scene out of this of crap. 444 00:22:58,543 --> 00:23:02,274 - And won't we need to add 30 seconds? - I have an idea about that. 445 00:23:02,514 --> 00:23:03,879 CHANG: Who am I? 446 00:23:04,082 --> 00:23:05,572 What's my motivation? 447 00:23:05,784 --> 00:23:09,914 Why am I doing or saying anything I'm saying or doing. 448 00:23:10,155 --> 00:23:13,784 I need more... I need more than what I'm getting. 449 00:23:15,894 --> 00:23:17,691 ALL: Aw. 450 00:23:20,198 --> 00:23:22,860 JEFF: Hello, Chief Starr. 451 00:23:25,804 --> 00:23:28,068 I told you I'd see you in hell. 452 00:23:28,273 --> 00:23:29,535 [ALL LAUGHING] 453 00:23:29,708 --> 00:23:32,700 - And look who else is here. - Yooba-dooba-dooba! 454 00:23:32,911 --> 00:23:35,311 [ALL LAUGHING] 455 00:23:35,547 --> 00:23:37,105 [♪♪♪] 456 00:23:37,282 --> 00:23:39,307 [APPLAUSE] 457 00:23:39,484 --> 00:23:42,282 MAN 1: Yeah! MAN 1: Yeah, Abed! 458 00:23:42,454 --> 00:23:44,422 Yow! Ha, ha, ha. 459 00:23:46,324 --> 00:23:48,053 Whoo-hoo-hoo! 460 00:23:48,493 --> 00:23:51,053 Oh, great job, you guys, on the new ending. 461 00:23:51,263 --> 00:23:54,130 And I like that the guy actually saw him in hell. 462 00:23:54,332 --> 00:23:55,458 Right? 463 00:23:55,634 --> 00:23:56,896 [PHONE RINGING] 464 00:23:57,068 --> 00:23:59,832 Hold on, phone call from the distributor. 465 00:24:00,939 --> 00:24:03,567 Get ready for a big check. 466 00:24:03,775 --> 00:24:05,140 Hello? 467 00:24:05,343 --> 00:24:07,834 Wait. Calm down. 468 00:24:08,213 --> 00:24:09,237 What's Chapter 11? 469 00:24:09,915 --> 00:24:10,939 Wait... 470 00:24:11,149 --> 00:24:13,481 What's YouTube? Wait, what's broadband? 471 00:24:14,152 --> 00:24:17,087 - What's digital? - I don't have a good feeling about that. 472 00:24:17,289 --> 00:24:19,985 I don't have a good feeling about Chang staying bankable. 473 00:24:20,158 --> 00:24:21,489 Did you see this news story? 474 00:24:21,993 --> 00:24:24,860 I'll never look at a hot air balloon in the same way again. 475 00:24:25,096 --> 00:24:27,257 - Or James Franco's ball. ALL: Ugh. 476 00:24:27,466 --> 00:24:29,263 No. 477 00:24:29,468 --> 00:24:33,268 I'll tell you what I do have a good feeling about: Bring it in. 478 00:24:33,438 --> 00:24:35,338 BRITTA: Aw. - Come here, guys. 479 00:24:36,107 --> 00:24:38,234 ANNIE: Guys, we do the thing. JEFF: We did it. 480 00:24:38,443 --> 00:24:41,879 ALL [CHANTING]: Yooba-dooba-dooba! Yooba-dooba! 481 00:24:42,113 --> 00:24:44,377 MAN: All right. One more for safety, Ben. 482 00:24:44,616 --> 00:24:45,878 What do you mean? 483 00:24:46,117 --> 00:24:49,109 MAN: I just don't know if we got the line, "Hold on, Slinky." 484 00:24:49,321 --> 00:24:50,811 Let's move on. 485 00:24:51,022 --> 00:24:53,183 MAN: I think... Can...? Can we get one more? 486 00:24:53,391 --> 00:24:55,450 You got it. Come on. 487 00:24:55,660 --> 00:24:57,753 Hold on, Slinky. Let's go. 488 00:24:57,963 --> 00:25:00,625 MAN: I think it was fine, but Steven's kind of a stickler. 489 00:25:00,832 --> 00:25:03,528 Tell Steven Spielberg to lick my butt. 490 00:25:03,768 --> 00:25:05,827 MAN: Well, he's right here, so... 491 00:25:08,073 --> 00:25:09,768 Hey, Steven. 492 00:25:10,275 --> 00:25:11,902 Spielberg. 493 00:25:12,310 --> 00:25:13,777 MAN: Can you give us a sec? 494 00:25:13,979 --> 00:25:15,003 Yes. 495 00:25:25,056 --> 00:25:26,580 MAN: Ben? - Yup? 496 00:25:26,825 --> 00:25:28,816 MAN: So I... I guess we're good for today. 497 00:25:28,994 --> 00:25:31,588 Great job. You were right. We got everything we need... 498 00:25:31,830 --> 00:25:34,390 ...and there's a small door in the back. 499 00:25:34,599 --> 00:25:38,729 Back of the booth there, that will take you, you know, outside... 500 00:25:38,937 --> 00:25:40,837 ...and we'll talk soon. 501 00:25:41,039 --> 00:25:43,439 - I don't go the way I came? MAN: You do not. 502 00:25:43,675 --> 00:25:47,372 There's a little door back there and it goes right on out. 503 00:25:47,579 --> 00:25:49,206 Thank you so much. 504 00:25:49,414 --> 00:25:50,745 Okay. 505 00:25:53,685 --> 00:25:55,175 Okay. 506 00:26:02,561 --> 00:26:04,085 [BIRD SQUAWKING] 507 00:26:04,462 --> 00:26:05,952 [DOOR THUMPS] 508 00:26:10,902 --> 00:26:13,530 MAN: Okay, Randall, are you ready? - Yep. 509 00:26:16,608 --> 00:26:21,045 Which brings us to the issue of our cosmetology department... 510 00:26:21,246 --> 00:26:24,044 ...who, once again, find themselves... 511 00:26:41,132 --> 00:26:44,499 Who once again find themselves nearing the end of the semester... 512 00:26:44,736 --> 00:26:48,570 ...without any free haircut volunteers. 513 00:26:56,381 --> 00:27:00,511 That may be due to last semester's lice scare. 514 00:27:00,752 --> 00:27:03,277 Totally. Yep. 515 00:27:05,690 --> 00:27:08,420 Maybe if we put up a sign: "Guaranteed No Lice." 516 00:27:08,627 --> 00:27:11,528 - Something like that. - That would open you up to lawsuits. 517 00:27:12,130 --> 00:27:14,121 "Son, we live in a world that has walls... 518 00:27:14,299 --> 00:27:17,166 ...and those walls have to be guarded by men with hair clippers." 519 00:27:17,335 --> 00:27:19,462 [ALL LAUGHING] 520 00:27:20,905 --> 00:27:22,463 - Pink Floyd. ABED: Ugh. 521 00:27:22,674 --> 00:27:24,301 - You're the worst. - What? 522 00:27:24,509 --> 00:27:26,841 - Oh, she is the worst. ANNIE: Terrible. 523 00:27:27,012 --> 00:27:30,175 ELROY: I can't believe she said that. - Have you seen any movie? Name one. 524 00:27:30,348 --> 00:27:32,543 - It's an unrelated thought... - Britta's the worst! 525 00:27:32,717 --> 00:27:34,207 [ABED LAUGHING] 526 00:27:34,419 --> 00:27:36,649 [CHATTERING] 527 00:27:36,855 --> 00:27:39,983 ABED: Seriously, what happened to you? BRITTA: I don't know. 528 00:27:40,191 --> 00:27:41,522 [CHANG SIGHS] 529 00:27:42,727 --> 00:27:45,321 [♪♪♪] 530 00:27:47,500 --> 00:27:55,500 Ripped By mstoll