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Previously on:
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- So, how's Charlie doing?
- Oh, he's fine.
3
00:00:04,300 --> 00:00:05,800
Uh, actually, he's engaged.
4
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You told her I was engaged?
Why the hell would you do that?!
5
00:00:09,100 --> 00:00:11,600
Charlie, there's a woman
named Mia on the phone.
6
00:00:12,500 --> 00:00:13,800
I'll take it.
7
00:00:14,800 --> 00:00:16,200
Hi, Charlie.
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00:00:18,800 --> 00:00:20,100
Mia.
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00:00:21,500 --> 00:00:23,000
and now
10
00:00:23,800 --> 00:00:25,900
So, how are you?
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00:00:26,000 --> 00:00:29,200
- Great. How are you?
- Fine, fine.
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00:00:29,300 --> 00:00:31,000
Still engaged.
13
00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:34,500
Come, sit, join us.
14
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- Are you sure I'm not interrupting?
- No, no, of course not.
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Yeah, his fiancée just left.
16
00:00:40,900 --> 00:00:42,300
Oh, I'm sorry I missed her.
17
00:00:42,400 --> 00:00:44,700
Oh, I bet she's still out in
the parking lot. I'll go get her.
18
00:00:44,800 --> 00:00:45,900
So...
19
00:00:46,800 --> 00:00:48,600
what's going on with you
these days? You still dancing?
20
00:00:48,700 --> 00:00:50,600
Not so much. I'm a little
old for ballet now.
21
00:00:50,700 --> 00:00:53,300
Oh, that can't be right.
You look great.
22
00:00:53,400 --> 00:00:55,800
Young and vibrant and...
23
00:00:56,200 --> 00:00:57,500
taut.
24
00:00:58,400 --> 00:01:00,100
You know who else
has a great body?
25
00:01:00,200 --> 00:01:01,500
Charlie's fiancée.
26
00:01:01,600 --> 00:01:04,200
In fact, Charlie calls
her boobalicious.
27
00:01:05,800 --> 00:01:07,900
I'm really happy you
found somebody, Charlie.
28
00:01:08,000 --> 00:01:10,400
Thank you. She's great.
Really, really great.
29
00:01:10,500 --> 00:01:12,000
Boobalicious.
30
00:01:14,500 --> 00:01:16,300
So if you're not dancing,
what are you up to?
31
00:01:16,400 --> 00:01:18,800
Well, believe it or not,
I'm trying for a singing career.
32
00:01:18,900 --> 00:01:20,600
No kidding. That's terrific.
33
00:01:20,700 --> 00:01:22,600
You know who's
a wonderful singer?
34
00:01:22,700 --> 00:01:23,900
Charlie's fiancée?
35
00:01:24,000 --> 00:01:27,000
Uh, actually, I was gonna
say Ms. Celine Dion.
36
00:01:28,500 --> 00:01:30,400
I have no idea about Chelsea.
37
00:01:30,700 --> 00:01:32,700
Although she does have
a set of lungs on her.
38
00:01:34,200 --> 00:01:35,400
Right.
39
00:01:35,500 --> 00:01:37,900
So listen, I'm putting together
a demo of some songs.
40
00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:41,100
Any chance you could help me with
the arrangements, maybe play piano?
41
00:01:41,700 --> 00:01:42,800
Oh, wow.
42
00:01:42,900 --> 00:01:44,400
That sounds like fun.
43
00:01:44,600 --> 00:01:48,900
It's just, you know, kind of
awkward 'cause, you know...
44
00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:50,900
He's getting married.
45
00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:54,500
Maybe I can find
you somebody else.
46
00:01:54,600 --> 00:01:56,500
That'd be terrific.
Let me give you my number.
47
00:01:56,600 --> 00:01:59,200
Are you still at 696-336-725?
48
00:01:59,300 --> 00:02:01,200
Yeah, I can't believe
you remember it.
49
00:02:01,300 --> 00:02:03,300
Well, I have a little
memory trick.
50
00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:06,800
If you change the numbers to letters,
it spells out "oxofempal."
51
00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:09,800
Oh, good trick.
52
00:02:11,200 --> 00:02:12,300
I should get going.
53
00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:13,700
Wonderful to see you again.
54
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Same here.
55
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- You too, Alan.
- Bye-bye.
56
00:02:20,300 --> 00:02:22,300
- Charlie?
- Yeah?
57
00:02:23,200 --> 00:02:24,700
I've missed you.
58
00:02:34,700 --> 00:02:36,200
Oxofempal?
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00:02:40,100 --> 00:02:42,500
Hot, hot, hot! Ow!
60
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You have to dial one first.
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www.1000fr.com presents
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Two and a Half Men S07 EP01
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Capture:FRM@¿É°®´óË®?
Sync:FRS@Ììô¥
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Hey, Berta, what do you
know about Percocet?
65
00:03:03,700 --> 00:03:08,500
I know three of them with a Mickey's big mouth
can make you run buck naked through a Taco Bell.
66
00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:11,100
Why do you ask?
67
00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:15,200
Well, my mom says Grandma Lenore can't hold
the new baby until she stops popping them.
68
00:03:15,700 --> 00:03:17,300
That's probably a good idea.
69
00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:20,700
You drop one kid, you gain
a reputation as a kid dropper.
70
00:03:21,600 --> 00:03:23,800
So how do you like
having a new baby sister?
71
00:03:23,900 --> 00:03:25,900
Well, she eats,
she sleeps, she poops.
72
00:03:26,000 --> 00:03:27,600
So far I'm not impressed.
73
00:03:28,800 --> 00:03:31,200
Give her a bad haircut
and she'd be you.
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00:03:32,100 --> 00:03:35,300
Excuse me, but I paid
nine bucks for this haircut.
75
00:03:36,100 --> 00:03:37,300
Sorry.
76
00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:40,700
Besides, the baby doesn't
look anything like me.
77
00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:43,700
In fact, she doesn't look like
my mom or my stepdad either.
78
00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:45,600
Who does she look like?
79
00:03:45,700 --> 00:03:49,500
Kind of like a girl
version of my dad.
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00:03:50,400 --> 00:03:53,200
I thought your dad was
the girl version of your dad.
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00:03:55,300 --> 00:03:58,100
I'm telling you,
Charlie, it's a bad idea.
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What's the big deal?
83
00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:01,900
I'm just gonna find
her a piano player.
84
00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:03,600
Oh, come on, I saw the way
you looked at her.
85
00:04:03,700 --> 00:04:06,000
You say "piano player,"
but you mean organist.
86
00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:08,400
Oh, that's ridiculous.
87
00:04:08,500 --> 00:04:11,600
I'm engaged to Chelsea. I'm living
with Chelsea. I'm in love with Chelsea.
88
00:04:11,700 --> 00:04:14,000
- What's Chelsea's phone number?
- What?
89
00:04:14,900 --> 00:04:17,300
What does it spell?
You know, your little memory trick.
90
00:04:17,400 --> 00:04:19,000
Oh, uh...
91
00:04:19,400 --> 00:04:22,700
it's... jklpuzo.
92
00:04:23,600 --> 00:04:24,400
Really?
93
00:04:24,500 --> 00:04:26,100
Let's, uh, let's test it out.
94
00:04:26,200 --> 00:04:30,000
Uh, is that, uh, 818-jklpuzo
95
00:04:30,300 --> 00:04:33,200
or, uh, 310-jklpuzo?
96
00:04:33,600 --> 00:04:35,300
All right, all right,
I-I made it up.
97
00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:37,300
But I don't have to
call Chelsea; she lives here.
98
00:04:37,400 --> 00:04:39,200
You don't have to
call Mia either.
99
00:04:39,300 --> 00:04:40,400
Oh, yeah?
100
00:04:40,800 --> 00:04:41,900
Well, what about you and Melissa?
101
00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:45,800
- What does that have to do with anything?
- Nothing! I'm changing the subject to your peccadilloes.
102
00:04:47,500 --> 00:04:51,800
You were banging Melissa in the hospital storage closet
while your ex-wife was giving birth to your daughter!
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00:04:51,900 --> 00:04:54,900
- We don't know she's my daughter.
- Who's your daughter?
104
00:04:58,100 --> 00:05:00,500
You're my daughter,
I'm your daughter!
105
00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:03,700
This whole court is
out of daughter!
106
00:05:06,500 --> 00:05:07,600
Al Pacino?
107
00:05:08,500 --> 00:05:09,900
Great movie.
108
00:05:10,800 --> 00:05:12,500
Hoo-ah!
109
00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:15,300
See that one?
110
00:05:18,900 --> 00:05:20,100
That was close.
111
00:05:20,200 --> 00:05:21,500
Good thing he's slow.
112
00:05:21,600 --> 00:05:24,200
Yeah, well, Judith's mom
dropped him when he was a baby.
113
00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:33,500
Wow.
114
00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:36,100
Yeah.
115
00:05:37,900 --> 00:05:39,500
What brought that on?
116
00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:43,200
You're the one who
started talking dirty.
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00:05:45,200 --> 00:05:47,200
All I said is,
"What'd you do today?"
118
00:05:47,700 --> 00:05:50,000
There you go again,
you nasty girl.
119
00:05:50,800 --> 00:05:54,800
Okay, seriously,
what did you do today?
120
00:05:56,700 --> 00:05:57,500
Nothing.
121
00:05:57,600 --> 00:05:59,900
Just a regular day.
122
00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:02,600
Had coffee with you,
hung out with Alan a little bit,
123
00:06:02,700 --> 00:06:05,600
then came home, had
a drink, took a nap,
124
00:06:05,700 --> 00:06:08,500
next thing I know you're walking in
the front door with your whore talk.
125
00:06:09,300 --> 00:06:10,800
All right, whatever.
126
00:06:11,700 --> 00:06:14,000
Oh, yeah, there was
one other thing.
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00:06:14,100 --> 00:06:15,400
Really?
128
00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:18,300
Yeah, I ran into an old buddy.
129
00:06:18,400 --> 00:06:19,900
What's her name?
130
00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:22,500
Her? Why do you assume it's a her?
131
00:06:23,100 --> 00:06:26,900
When you've seen one of your old guy friends,
you don't try to hump me into a coma.
132
00:06:28,600 --> 00:06:29,800
Fair point.
133
00:06:29,900 --> 00:06:31,200
It was Mia.
134
00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:34,100
Mia, the old buddy
you almost married?
135
00:06:35,000 --> 00:06:36,100
Yeah.
136
00:06:37,900 --> 00:06:38,900
And?
137
00:06:39,100 --> 00:06:40,600
And nothing.
138
00:06:42,200 --> 00:06:45,500
Well, she did ask me if I'd help her
out with this music thing she's doing.
139
00:06:45,600 --> 00:06:47,800
- But I said no.
- How come?
140
00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:50,100
I thought it'd be inappropriate.
141
00:06:50,200 --> 00:06:52,000
Why? You still have
feelings for her?
142
00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:54,500
No, no, of course not.
143
00:06:54,600 --> 00:06:56,200
Then why wouldn't
you help her out?
144
00:06:56,400 --> 00:06:57,600
What?
145
00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:02,000
I mean, if she's just a friend,
then why would it be inappropriate?
146
00:07:04,500 --> 00:07:05,900
Okay.
147
00:07:07,100 --> 00:07:09,800
Uh, no reason.
148
00:07:10,300 --> 00:07:12,900
So you're saying
I should help her out?
149
00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:14,900
Unless you still
have feelings for her.
150
00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:18,000
- I guess I'll help her.
- Good.
151
00:07:18,400 --> 00:07:19,600
Good.
152
00:07:22,800 --> 00:07:24,300
Or bad.
153
00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:28,400
Probably bad.
154
00:07:30,700 --> 00:07:32,100
I'm gonna go with bad.
155
00:07:37,700 --> 00:07:38,900
Hi, Charlie!
156
00:07:39,700 --> 00:07:42,400
We were just having a little
moonlight skinny dip in the ocean.
157
00:07:42,800 --> 00:07:43,700
Good thinking.
158
00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:47,700
Nothing more romantic than seaweed
hanging from a cold, shriveled penis.
159
00:07:48,600 --> 00:07:50,900
There's no seaweed--
Oh, my...
160
00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:56,600
Don't put it on the table!
161
00:07:57,200 --> 00:07:58,200
Sorry.
162
00:07:58,700 --> 00:08:03,800
Alan, what do you say we take a hot shower
and un-shrink the Snuffleupagus?
163
00:08:04,300 --> 00:08:05,300
He'll be fine.
164
00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:07,400
It's Bert and Ernie
I'm worried about.
165
00:08:07,700 --> 00:08:10,100
I think Bert has
ascended to my rib cage.
166
00:08:10,200 --> 00:08:11,300
You go ahead.
I'll be right there.
167
00:08:11,400 --> 00:08:12,700
- Okey-doke.
- Okay.
168
00:08:15,700 --> 00:08:17,100
Hey, uh, can I
ask you something?
169
00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:19,400
I am not gonna help you
find your missing testicle.
170
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:21,800
No, no, it's about Melissa.
171
00:08:22,200 --> 00:08:23,200
What about her?
172
00:08:23,300 --> 00:08:25,500
Well, now that we're
seeing each other again,
173
00:08:25,600 --> 00:08:28,600
the fact that she still lives with
her mom presents kind of a problem.
174
00:08:28,700 --> 00:08:31,400
Why? 'Cause you
tickled mom's Elmo?
175
00:08:32,400 --> 00:08:34,200
It was just light necking.
176
00:08:34,500 --> 00:08:36,200
I never touched her Elmo.
177
00:08:36,900 --> 00:08:37,700
Anyway,
178
00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:40,800
since you set the precedent of
having girlfriends move in here,
179
00:08:40,900 --> 00:08:43,100
- uh, I was wondering if maybe...
- No.
180
00:08:43,800 --> 00:08:45,800
Why not? You let
Chelsea move in.
181
00:08:45,900 --> 00:08:47,400
It's my house.
182
00:08:47,500 --> 00:08:48,900
You are a guest.
183
00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:52,200
And by "guest," I mean leech
I tolerate until our mother dies
184
00:08:52,300 --> 00:08:55,500
and she can't lay a guilt trip on me
for kicking your ass to the curb.
185
00:08:55,700 --> 00:08:57,100
You're gonna kick me
out when Mom dies?
186
00:08:57,200 --> 00:08:59,500
You're planning on being
here until Mom dies?
187
00:08:59,700 --> 00:09:02,000
Okay, okay, we're
getting off subject.
188
00:09:02,100 --> 00:09:03,700
What about Jake?
You let Jake move in.
189
00:09:03,800 --> 00:09:05,200
You're not helping
your case here, Alan.
190
00:09:05,300 --> 00:09:07,500
- But I'm just saying...
- I said no!
191
00:09:12,300 --> 00:09:14,500
Hmm. Hey, Bert, welcome back.
192
00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:29,100
? You'll never find ?
193
00:09:30,600 --> 00:09:33,300
? As long as you live ?
194
00:09:34,400 --> 00:09:36,600
? Someone who loves you ?
195
00:09:37,300 --> 00:09:40,800
? Tender like I do ?
196
00:09:43,600 --> 00:09:46,000
? You'll never find ?
197
00:09:47,800 --> 00:09:50,200
? No matter where you search ?
198
00:09:51,300 --> 00:09:53,900
? Someone who cares about you ?
199
00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:57,700
? The way I do ?
200
00:09:59,700 --> 00:10:02,800
? Whoa, I'm not bragging
on myself, baby ?
201
00:10:03,900 --> 00:10:07,700
? 'Cause I'm the one who loves you
And there's no one else ?
202
00:10:07,900 --> 00:10:12,500
? No... one else. ?
203
00:10:17,100 --> 00:10:19,900
That's a pretty mouth,
but it ain't made for singing.
204
00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:21,900
- What's it made for?
- Eating.
205
00:10:22,800 --> 00:10:23,800
Oh.
206
00:10:24,500 --> 00:10:26,400
I thought maybe
she meant oral sex.
207
00:10:28,200 --> 00:10:30,000
? You're gonna miss my lovin' ?
208
00:10:30,100 --> 00:10:36,300
? You're gonna miss,
miss, miss my love. ?
209
00:10:38,700 --> 00:10:40,000
So?
210
00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:41,800
Wow.
211
00:10:42,700 --> 00:10:44,500
- You want to run it again?
- I don't.
212
00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:48,800
I mean, there's a danger
of over-rehearsing it.
213
00:10:48,900 --> 00:10:51,300
Yeah. Plus I kind of
nailed it, right?
214
00:10:51,700 --> 00:10:54,000
I don't see it
getting any better.
215
00:10:54,300 --> 00:10:55,900
That is so sweet, Charlie.
216
00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:57,200
Thank you.
217
00:10:57,900 --> 00:10:59,600
I don't know how
I'd do this without you.
218
00:10:59,700 --> 00:11:01,400
Hey, I don't deserve any credit.
219
00:11:01,500 --> 00:11:04,000
God gave you that voice.
I had nothing to do with it.
220
00:11:06,300 --> 00:11:08,500
- Oh, hello.
- Oh, hey, hi!
221
00:11:09,200 --> 00:11:10,600
There she is!
222
00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:12,600
Chelsea, this is Mia.
Mia, this is Chelsea.
223
00:11:12,700 --> 00:11:14,100
- Hi.
- Hi!
224
00:11:14,500 --> 00:11:15,700
We were just rehearsing.
225
00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:18,000
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't
mean to interrupt.
226
00:11:18,100 --> 00:11:20,500
What? No-no, no,
there's nothing to interrupt.
227
00:11:20,600 --> 00:11:21,900
She's singing,
I'm playing piano,
228
00:11:22,000 --> 00:11:23,600
Alan, Berta and Jake are
right there in the kitchen.
229
00:11:23,700 --> 00:11:25,100
Guys, Chelsea's home.
230
00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:26,400
Yay.
231
00:11:28,700 --> 00:11:30,600
- I should get going.
- Good.
232
00:11:30,700 --> 00:11:33,000
I mean, you don't
have to, but good.
233
00:11:33,300 --> 00:11:34,300
Rehearsal was good.
234
00:11:34,500 --> 00:11:36,400
You've got yourself
a terrific guy here.
235
00:11:36,500 --> 00:11:38,800
- I know. Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, too.
236
00:11:38,900 --> 00:11:40,900
- I'll see you Saturday at the studio?
- You bet.
237
00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:42,300
? You'll never find... ?
238
00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:44,200
No, no, save your voice.
239
00:11:48,900 --> 00:11:50,000
Yikes.
240
00:11:50,500 --> 00:11:51,800
So, how'd it go?
241
00:11:52,500 --> 00:11:54,900
Well, uh, how can I put this?
242
00:11:55,200 --> 00:12:00,000
She's the picture you stick on the cover of
an album by a fat girl who can actually sing.
243
00:12:00,600 --> 00:12:01,700
That's not what I mean.
244
00:12:01,800 --> 00:12:04,700
Were there any, you know, sparks?
245
00:12:04,800 --> 00:12:07,200
No, no sparks.
246
00:12:07,300 --> 00:12:08,900
Why would there be sparks?
247
00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:10,800
I'm with you. We're engaged.
248
00:12:10,900 --> 00:12:14,000
We're gonna be married.
You and me, that's the sparks...
249
00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:16,200
baby.
250
00:12:18,100 --> 00:12:20,800
Relax, Charlie, I trust you.
251
00:12:25,300 --> 00:12:28,000
Okay, lady, you're really
starting to piss me off.
252
00:12:31,900 --> 00:12:33,600
Thanks for seeing me
on such short notice.
253
00:12:33,700 --> 00:12:37,500
No problem, Charlie, as long as you're
willing to pay my weekend rates.
254
00:12:38,900 --> 00:12:40,000
You've got weekend rates?
255
00:12:40,100 --> 00:12:42,400
Yep, and you probably don't
want to waste time haggling.
256
00:12:44,100 --> 00:12:46,600
Now, what's the big emergency?
257
00:12:46,700 --> 00:12:50,100
Well, you might not think it's
a big emergency, but trust me, it is.
258
00:12:50,200 --> 00:12:51,300
Okay.
259
00:12:51,700 --> 00:12:53,600
I'm really constipated.
260
00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:58,400
You do realize which end of
the body I specialize in?
261
00:12:58,900 --> 00:13:00,900
I know, I knowI'm not
here for an enema.
262
00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:03,400
Good, because that couch
isn't Scotchguarded.
263
00:13:04,700 --> 00:13:08,700
I'm thinking it's psychosomatic
'cause I've tried coffee,
264
00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:13,700
fiber, laxatives and something
my housekeeper said was a suppository,
265
00:13:13,800 --> 00:13:17,000
but I now suspect
was a practical joke.
266
00:13:17,700 --> 00:13:21,800
All right,
so psychosomatic constipation.
267
00:13:21,900 --> 00:13:23,800
Good name for rock band, huh?
268
00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:26,100
Weekend rates, Charlie.
269
00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:30,900
Tell me what's going on in your life.
How are things with you and your fianc?
270
00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:33,100
Great, great! She lives with me now.
271
00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:35,100
We're planning the wedding.
Couldn't be better.
272
00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:37,100
Good. And how's work?
273
00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:38,600
Well, it's been pretty slow,
274
00:13:38,700 --> 00:13:40,500
but thankfully,
the house is paid off,
275
00:13:40,600 --> 00:13:43,300
my pension is funded,
and I've given up prostitutes.
276
00:13:44,200 --> 00:13:47,600
So, really, all I need is drinking money,
and what's that, a couple grand a month?
277
00:13:47,700 --> 00:13:49,300
That sounds about right.
278
00:13:49,900 --> 00:13:51,800
Hey, do you remember Mia?
279
00:13:51,900 --> 00:13:53,600
Your ex-fianc?the dancer.
280
00:13:53,700 --> 00:13:54,700
Wow, you remember.
281
00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:57,400
I'm not sitting here
sketching ponies, Charlie.
282
00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:03,500
- Anyway, I ran into her.
- Really? And how'd that go?
283
00:14:03,600 --> 00:14:06,000
Fine, fine. She looks great,
284
00:14:06,100 --> 00:14:08,300
she's single again,
told me she missed me.
285
00:14:08,400 --> 00:14:09,200
Uh-huh.
286
00:14:09,300 --> 00:14:10,800
I always dig that.
287
00:14:12,400 --> 00:14:16,700
Then she asked me if I could help her out
with this music project, and I said no.
288
00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:20,200
But then Chelsea said if I didn't still
have feelings for her, why not do it?
289
00:14:20,300 --> 00:14:21,600
So I did it.
290
00:14:21,700 --> 00:14:24,300
Interesting. When did
all this happen?
291
00:14:24,400 --> 00:14:25,500
Three of four days ago.
292
00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:28,000
And how long have
you been constipated?
293
00:14:28,700 --> 00:14:30,500
I don't know.
Three, four days.
294
00:14:32,900 --> 00:14:34,700
Hey, you think
there's a connection?
295
00:14:34,900 --> 00:14:36,600
I'm leaning that way.
296
00:14:37,500 --> 00:14:40,000
Look, Charlie, you obviously
still have feelings for Mia,
297
00:14:40,100 --> 00:14:41,800
and yet you're
committed to Chelsea.
298
00:14:42,100 --> 00:14:43,300
It's an emotional conflict,
299
00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:47,400
and until you resolve that conflict,
you're going to be physically blocked.
300
00:14:47,500 --> 00:14:48,600
English, please?
301
00:14:48,700 --> 00:14:51,100
As soon as you pick one,
you can go two.
302
00:14:55,400 --> 00:14:56,900
What happens if I can't pick?
303
00:14:57,000 --> 00:14:58,800
I don't know. C-section?
304
00:15:03,600 --> 00:15:06,600
Anyway, she said I have to
resolve the conflict
305
00:15:06,700 --> 00:15:10,300
because my emotions are
strongly connected to my lower intestine.
306
00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:11,700
That makes a certain
amount of sense.
307
00:15:11,800 --> 00:15:14,200
You think with your penis,
and your head's up your ass.
308
00:15:17,300 --> 00:15:18,900
The baby just came!
309
00:15:20,500 --> 00:15:21,300
Baby?
310
00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:25,000
Well, it's not technically a baby,
but we know it's gonna look like you.
311
00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:28,400
Hey, Charlie
312
00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:30,100
Hey.
313
00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:35,800
What's she still doing here?
314
00:15:35,900 --> 00:15:37,600
Not still. She went away,
she came back.
315
00:15:37,700 --> 00:15:39,100
She's not moving in, Alan.
316
00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:41,100
Of course not.
You said no, it's no.
317
00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:43,100
We're out of milk, sweetie.
I'm gonna run to the market.
318
00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:44,300
Okay.
319
00:15:47,500 --> 00:15:49,000
She likes milk.
320
00:15:50,100 --> 00:15:52,000
So how are you gonna
resolve your conflict?
321
00:15:52,100 --> 00:15:53,400
I'm not sure.
322
00:15:53,500 --> 00:15:55,200
I may have to sleep with Mia.
323
00:15:55,300 --> 00:15:56,500
What?!
324
00:15:57,300 --> 00:15:59,200
Okay, here's the deal.
325
00:16:01,400 --> 00:16:03,400
If I back out of
the recording session with Mia,
326
00:16:03,500 --> 00:16:05,900
Chelsea will think I still
have feelings for her.
327
00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:06,800
All right.
328
00:16:06,900 --> 00:16:09,800
However, if I spend any more time
with Mia without sleeping with her,
329
00:16:09,900 --> 00:16:11,700
I'm gonna split open
like a roasted pistachio.
330
00:16:11,800 --> 00:16:13,500
Nobody wants that!
331
00:16:14,300 --> 00:16:17,600
Charlie, cheating on Chelsea makes
absolutely no sense whatsoever.
332
00:16:17,700 --> 00:16:21,200
That's what I thought,
but my shrink was pretty adamant.
333
00:16:23,800 --> 00:16:27,100
Just promise if
anything happens to me,
334
00:16:27,300 --> 00:16:29,100
you'll raise it as your own.
335
00:16:35,100 --> 00:16:37,400
? Down in Louisiana ?
336
00:16:38,300 --> 00:16:41,700
? Where the alligators
grow so mean ?
337
00:16:42,600 --> 00:16:46,100
? Lived a girl that
I swear to the world ?
338
00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:48,900
? Made the alligators
look tame ?
339
00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:51,100
? Poke salad Annie ?
340
00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:56,400
I know, I know it's hard
to believe I'm not banging her.
341
00:16:57,900 --> 00:16:59,200
Then why are we here?
342
00:17:00,500 --> 00:17:02,600
She's an old friend.
I'm helping her out.
343
00:17:02,700 --> 00:17:05,600
You really want to help her out?
Sneak up behind her with a big rock.
344
00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:09,500
Detox?
345
00:17:09,600 --> 00:17:11,700
No, constipated.
346
00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:13,500
'Cause you're detoxing?
347
00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:16,400
- Can we just do this?
- Fine.
348
00:17:18,800 --> 00:17:23,200
? 'Cause your mama was
working on the chain gang ?
349
00:17:23,900 --> 00:17:25,000
? Poke ?
350
00:17:26,700 --> 00:17:27,900
? Salad.?
351
00:17:29,800 --> 00:17:31,600
That one felt really good.
352
00:17:31,700 --> 00:17:35,000
Okay, help me understand something.
You're hoping to bang her, right?
353
00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:40,500
Can I hear a little?
354
00:17:45,500 --> 00:17:47,200
Sure. Play it back.
355
00:17:50,500 --> 00:17:52,900
? Down in Louisiana ?
356
00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:55,200
That's me?
357
00:17:55,600 --> 00:17:56,900
That's you.
358
00:17:58,000 --> 00:17:59,400
Wow.
359
00:18:00,100 --> 00:18:02,600
I had no idea I was so good.
360
00:18:05,900 --> 00:18:09,200
Oh, Charlie, I'm so happy!
361
00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:12,400
Oh, well, if you're happy, I'm happy.
362
00:18:14,700 --> 00:18:16,700
Why did I ever let you go?
363
00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:19,200
If I recall, you had
a list of reasons.
364
00:18:19,300 --> 00:18:20,700
Well, I was wrong.
365
00:18:21,400 --> 00:18:22,400
How can I make it up to you?
366
00:18:22,500 --> 00:18:25,700
Um, how do you want
to make it up to me?
367
00:18:27,900 --> 00:18:29,000
Wow.
368
00:18:31,800 --> 00:18:33,100
There it is.
369
00:18:35,100 --> 00:18:38,300
Let's do this last track,
and then we can go back to my place.
370
00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:44,900
Maybe we can sweeten
her vocals with some reverb,
371
00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:47,200
a little echo,
lay a little guitar over it?
372
00:18:47,300 --> 00:18:50,400
We can lay car horns and barking
dogs over it. It won't help.
373
00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:55,500
I'm ready.
374
00:18:56,600 --> 00:18:58,700
Just relax and feel
the groove, okay?
375
00:18:58,800 --> 00:19:00,200
I got it.
376
00:19:00,900 --> 00:19:04,900
Okay, this is "Boogie-woogie
Bugle Boy." Take one.
377
00:19:11,600 --> 00:19:14,400
? He was a famous trumpet man
from out Chicago way ?
378
00:19:14,500 --> 00:19:17,000
? He had a boogie style that
no one else could play, whoo! ?
379
00:19:17,100 --> 00:19:19,200
? He was the top man
at his craft ?
380
00:19:19,500 --> 00:19:21,900
? And then his number came up,
and he was going to the draft ?
381
00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:24,500
? He's in the army now,
blowing reveille ?
382
00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:27,400
? He's the boogie-woogie
bugle boy of Company B ?
383
00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:29,400
Okay, Mia, hold it,
hold it a sec.
384
00:19:29,500 --> 00:19:30,800
Is something wrong?
385
00:19:31,300 --> 00:19:34,700
Yeah, kind of. You can't sing.
386
00:19:35,600 --> 00:19:36,600
What?
387
00:19:36,700 --> 00:19:38,400
You got no talent.
388
00:19:38,500 --> 00:19:41,200
I'm sorry, but we're
both wasting our time here.
389
00:19:41,300 --> 00:19:45,300
I love Chelsea. I'm gonna marry her,
and I can't see you anymore.
390
00:19:45,800 --> 00:19:47,100
Are you kidding?
391
00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:50,300
You can't just walk
out on me! You...
392
00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:53,000
- Where's the bathroom?
- Down the hall.
393
00:19:53,800 --> 00:19:55,500
- Thanks.
- No,thank you.
394
00:19:58,900 --> 00:20:01,500
I should have known this would happen,
you lowlife son of a bitch!
395
00:20:01,600 --> 00:20:04,100
Uh, the lowlife son
of a bitch is gone,
396
00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:08,100
but I think you have a real gift,
and we shod work together.
397
00:20:10,500 --> 00:20:12,500
Oh, you gotta be kidding me.
398
00:20:15,500 --> 00:20:17,200
You might want to
give it a minute.
399
00:20:19,300 --> 00:20:20,700
You were in there
with your guitar?
400
00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:23,400
You never know when
inspiration might strike.
401
00:20:30,500 --> 00:20:33,500
That's called "Two Burritos
and a Root Beer Float."
402
00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:45,700
Hey, how's the intestines?
403
00:20:46,500 --> 00:20:48,000
Clean as a whistle.
404
00:20:49,700 --> 00:20:51,900
Sitting's problem now.
405
00:20:57,300 --> 00:20:59,500
Yeah, haha, very funny?
406
00:20:59,900 --> 00:21:03,200
What was in that suppository
you gave me, anyway?
407
00:21:03,300 --> 00:21:06,800
Half a tab of Alka-Seltzer crashed up
in a Jell cap.
408
00:21:07,800 --> 00:21:10,600
Oh, that explains the foam.
409
00:21:12,600 --> 00:21:14,800
- Well, I'm off to work.
- Oh, have a good day, sweetie.
410
00:21:14,900 --> 00:21:16,900
- I'll be home at 6:30.
- OK.
411
00:21:18,400 --> 00:21:20,300
- Alen.
- She's not living here.
412
00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:21,800
Just checking.
413
00:21:24,000 --> 00:21:26,000
He calls me stupid.
414
00:21:26,100 --> 00:21:30,100
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