1 00:00:04,744 --> 00:00:06,839 But if she's saying "you're so vain" because 2 00:00:06,927 --> 00:00:09,007 the dude thinks the song is about him, 3 00:00:09,183 --> 00:00:13,176 and the song is actually about him, then he's not vain, he's just right, right? 4 00:00:15,323 --> 00:00:19,311 If I agree with you on this can't we put "don't fear the reefer" to bed forever? 5 00:00:19,771 --> 00:00:20,806 Fine with me. 6 00:00:21,185 --> 00:00:22,185 Narc. 7 00:00:24,120 --> 00:00:26,012 Hey, dad, I had a problem at school. 8 00:00:26,435 --> 00:00:28,491 Why don't you grab us a couple of beers, OK? 9 00:00:28,697 --> 00:00:32,013 - Great. That'll take the edge off. - Not for you. For me and him. 10 00:00:32,855 --> 00:00:33,855 Well... 11 00:00:34,531 --> 00:00:37,077 I was at gym class, showering with all the guys. 12 00:00:37,528 --> 00:00:39,385 I accidentally slipped on a bar of soap. 13 00:00:39,473 --> 00:00:41,403 Why don't you make it a 6-pack, Mitch? 14 00:00:42,561 --> 00:00:45,550 So I went to reach for something to brace myself because it's human instinct 15 00:00:45,633 --> 00:00:46,832 - right? - Right. 16 00:00:47,299 --> 00:00:48,263 And so, 17 00:00:49,268 --> 00:00:51,678 what I grabbed was Chris Melnick's Junk. 18 00:00:53,935 --> 00:00:56,533 Fill your pockets, Mitch. Grab as many as you can carry. 19 00:00:57,784 --> 00:00:59,853 Now all the guys are calling me Doorknob. 20 00:01:00,256 --> 00:01:01,256 Gosh. 21 00:01:01,523 --> 00:01:03,770 That's not good. How many people know about this? 22 00:01:04,217 --> 00:01:05,795 Bathroom's free, Doorknob. 23 00:01:07,729 --> 00:01:09,067 It's getting out there. 24 00:01:11,156 --> 00:01:12,487 OK, what's the problem? 25 00:01:12,661 --> 00:01:14,346 We got a nickname situation here. 26 00:01:14,534 --> 00:01:16,091 - How bad is it? - Doorknob. 27 00:01:18,512 --> 00:01:20,714 What did you do, grab a guy's panhandle? 28 00:01:21,994 --> 00:01:23,957 - This happened to you? - No. No way. 29 00:01:24,040 --> 00:01:26,103 It happened to a kid in our high school, though. 30 00:01:26,186 --> 00:01:27,684 Ending up killing himself. 31 00:01:28,092 --> 00:01:29,102 Oh, my god. 32 00:01:29,993 --> 00:01:32,559 No, it's not gonna happen to you, all right? I mean, this 33 00:01:32,647 --> 00:01:34,653 kid had a lot of other stuff going on. 34 00:01:36,887 --> 00:01:37,887 Look. 35 00:01:39,047 --> 00:01:41,757 Son, this isn't a big deal. You're gonna get past this, OK? 36 00:01:42,304 --> 00:01:45,538 You don't want to get stuck with a nickname. Once those things catch on, 37 00:01:45,621 --> 00:01:47,457 they'll stick with for the rest of your life. 38 00:01:47,545 --> 00:01:49,774 I mean, we know a bunch of those guys. Tugger. 39 00:01:52,268 --> 00:01:53,291 Mr. Peanut, 40 00:01:54,332 --> 00:01:56,678 Fatty Mcfatterson of the Connecticut Mcfattersons. 41 00:01:56,761 --> 00:01:57,783 You know what, 42 00:01:59,327 --> 00:02:01,586 we get it there, Mitch. Son, here's the thing. 43 00:02:02,345 --> 00:02:04,617 You have to do something that will eliminate this nickname. 44 00:02:04,705 --> 00:02:08,211 You either have to get in a fight, pull a prank, or have a legendary party. 45 00:02:08,294 --> 00:02:11,022 But you got to do it quick before this nickname sticks. OK? 46 00:02:11,154 --> 00:02:13,006 All right, dad. I'll think of something. 47 00:02:13,459 --> 00:02:14,459 All right. 48 00:02:16,532 --> 00:02:19,081 - That's solid advice there, tugger. - Shut up! 49 00:02:21,467 --> 00:02:24,798 - Hey, guys. - You know what, Allison, all right, 50 00:02:25,003 --> 00:02:27,842 when we went to Kathy Polasik's party and I was in the bathroom 51 00:02:27,926 --> 00:02:29,869 for a really long time, I had the stomach ache? 52 00:02:29,957 --> 00:02:32,095 Will you tell Mitch nothing else was going on in there? 53 00:02:32,178 --> 00:02:33,481 He had a stomach ache. 54 00:02:33,564 --> 00:02:35,759 Is that what you wanted me to say, tugger? 55 00:02:37,161 --> 00:02:39,703 Gary, this is Louise's dance stuff. And just a reminder, 56 00:02:39,786 --> 00:02:42,285 howard and I are going to sante fe this weekend, so you go the kids. 57 00:02:42,455 --> 00:02:45,034 No. No, I don't. You have the kids 'cause 58 00:02:45,117 --> 00:02:48,155 i'm taking Mitch out for his last night out before he goes back to active duty. 59 00:02:48,336 --> 00:02:50,659 I don't know what to tell you. We bought plane tickets already. 60 00:02:51,033 --> 00:02:53,670 I can watch Louise. Aren't I old enough to baby-sit? 61 00:02:54,922 --> 00:02:56,397 I don't know, honey. I mean. 62 00:02:56,480 --> 00:02:58,644 Wait a minute. We're only gonna be gone a couple hours. 63 00:02:58,727 --> 00:03:02,472 What kind of legendary trouble could he possibly get into? 64 00:03:05,122 --> 00:03:07,645 Come on, I'm responsible. Plus, Louise listens to me. 65 00:03:07,733 --> 00:03:10,270 Watch. Louise, come pick up your bag. 66 00:03:10,554 --> 00:03:13,279 Why don't you pick it up? I hear you're good at grabbing stuff. 67 00:03:17,866 --> 00:03:20,457 -= 204 =- "Gary Shoots Fish in a Barrel" 68 00:03:20,545 --> 00:03:22,685 VO By : ¤Aka¤ 69 00:03:22,975 --> 00:03:24,476 Team Subs-Addicts" 70 00:03:25,039 --> 00:03:26,604 Curtis, are you coming out with us? 71 00:03:26,693 --> 00:03:29,913 We're, having a big night out before big brother goes overseas. 72 00:03:29,996 --> 00:03:31,972 Hell yes, man. What are we thinking about? 73 00:03:32,055 --> 00:03:34,901 First I thought we'd go to the buggy whip for some nice steaks, 74 00:03:34,984 --> 00:03:37,775 then we head on over to champs for some nonstop sports highlights. 75 00:03:37,858 --> 00:03:39,453 Wait, wait. Hold on a second. 76 00:03:39,596 --> 00:03:42,062 Your big send-off for him going to the marines is cut-rate meat 77 00:03:42,186 --> 00:03:44,281 and a bunch of guys running around in uniform? 78 00:03:45,526 --> 00:03:47,568 - What's wrong with that? - That is the marines. 79 00:03:48,837 --> 00:03:50,852 Let me tell you what we're gonna do on friday night? 80 00:03:50,935 --> 00:03:52,784 You and Mitch are gonna come with me to a bar 81 00:03:52,867 --> 00:03:54,731 down in the Marina called fish in a barrel. 82 00:03:54,866 --> 00:03:57,369 It is a Mecca for divorced women n their thirties and forties 83 00:03:57,452 --> 00:03:59,859 looking for nothing more than a roll in the hay. 84 00:04:01,326 --> 00:04:03,599 Well, Gary, I do love steak, but I have to admit, 85 00:04:03,682 --> 00:04:06,438 something sounds very intriguing about guaranteed sex. 86 00:04:07,066 --> 00:04:09,298 Man, you're divorced. Do you know how many married men 87 00:04:09,417 --> 00:04:11,906 fantasize about sleeping around with a bunch of different women? 88 00:04:11,995 --> 00:04:13,260 You got the golden ticket, 89 00:04:13,343 --> 00:04:16,425 and you're not even entering the chocolate factory with grandpa Joe. 90 00:04:17,351 --> 00:04:20,745 I don't know. That's not my scene, man. I'm a relationship guy. 91 00:04:20,829 --> 00:04:23,011 I just want to sit on the couch with someone who'll 92 00:04:23,094 --> 00:04:24,470 let me watch whatever I want. 93 00:04:25,782 --> 00:04:28,486 You've been in relationships your entire life and they've always, 94 00:04:28,569 --> 00:04:30,925 always been a failure. You cheated on Stephanie Schaedel 95 00:04:31,008 --> 00:04:33,067 and she burnt your entire record collection. 96 00:04:33,150 --> 00:04:36,822 Half my record collection. She only got Allman brothers up to Metallica. 97 00:04:37,998 --> 00:04:39,424 Then you move right onto Allison 98 00:04:39,512 --> 00:04:41,959 and she takes everything you've got, including your CD collection. 99 00:04:42,075 --> 00:04:44,208 Half my CD collection. Nirvana to Zappa. 100 00:04:45,590 --> 00:04:48,329 Does any of the above sound fun to you at all? 101 00:04:48,468 --> 00:04:49,838 Dating is the fun part. 102 00:04:50,043 --> 00:04:53,279 Try a few ice cream flavors with the little spoons before you go for the 103 00:04:53,362 --> 00:04:55,467 weird bubblegum one with the chunks in it. 104 00:04:56,484 --> 00:04:58,428 All right, you know what, friday night, 105 00:04:58,511 --> 00:05:00,715 fish in a barrel, I'm in. I'll even bring my little spoon. 106 00:05:00,803 --> 00:05:02,539 All right, that's what I'm talking about. 107 00:05:02,622 --> 00:05:05,306 Hey, and any guy who doesn't wake up with Rug Burns, 108 00:05:05,389 --> 00:05:08,710 Claw Marks, and their name hickied across their chest 109 00:05:08,998 --> 00:05:10,298 is a loser. 110 00:05:15,236 --> 00:05:17,230 We're gonna be gone a couple hours, so, 111 00:05:17,860 --> 00:05:20,922 don't do anything too legendary, like grab all that extra toilet paper 112 00:05:21,005 --> 00:05:23,302 I bought and T.P the principal's house, OK? 113 00:05:23,575 --> 00:05:25,361 And I definitely hope you're not planning 114 00:05:25,449 --> 00:05:27,501 on turning to the back of this free newspaper 115 00:05:27,816 --> 00:05:30,163 and calling any of these numbers under "Pretty Women." 116 00:05:31,387 --> 00:05:33,835 Mitch, that might be a little too legendary, OK? 117 00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:35,244 Guys, don't worry about it. 118 00:05:35,327 --> 00:05:37,351 I got this whole nickname thing under control, OK. 119 00:05:37,434 --> 00:05:38,714 Hey, attaboy, Tommy. 120 00:05:38,938 --> 00:05:41,120 Way to grab this nickname thing by the... 121 00:05:41,203 --> 00:05:44,087 You know what, bad analogy. Good job. Come on, let's go. 122 00:05:44,170 --> 00:05:46,642 You do know the difference between legendary and illegal, right? 123 00:05:46,725 --> 00:05:49,940 Yeah. It's illegal to steal the rival high school's mascot, 124 00:05:50,567 --> 00:05:52,586 but it's legendary to return it pregnant. 125 00:05:57,342 --> 00:05:59,210 So, what's your plan, Doorknob? 126 00:06:00,784 --> 00:06:03,520 Check it out, right. I found this movie in a bag in the garage. 127 00:06:03,629 --> 00:06:04,916 It's rated "R." 128 00:06:05,955 --> 00:06:06,955 So? 129 00:06:07,070 --> 00:06:08,070 So? 130 00:06:08,431 --> 00:06:11,179 I'm gonna be the guy who gets rated "R" movies for people, OK. 131 00:06:11,286 --> 00:06:13,978 I'll be Mr. Movie. The dirty movie man. 132 00:06:15,139 --> 00:06:16,249 Pervert hoover. 133 00:06:17,254 --> 00:06:20,433 The important thing is, Doorknob, it's gonna be a thing of the past. 134 00:06:21,344 --> 00:06:24,499 What's the movie? Shouldn't we watch it so we can know your product? 135 00:06:24,635 --> 00:06:26,849 I've never heard of it before, but it's called candyman, 136 00:06:26,932 --> 00:06:28,421 so kids are gonna like it. 137 00:06:29,851 --> 00:06:32,337 How come the guy on the cover has a hook for a hand? 138 00:06:32,647 --> 00:06:33,682 I don't know. 139 00:06:34,077 --> 00:06:36,551 Maybe he puts marshmallows on it or something, right. 140 00:06:45,784 --> 00:06:47,433 This is gonna be great. 141 00:06:47,780 --> 00:06:50,347 Staff sergeant Mitchell Brooks reporting for booty. 142 00:06:52,013 --> 00:06:55,347 Now, remember, we are only here for one-night stands. No deep conversations, 143 00:06:55,456 --> 00:06:58,114 no "I feel like I've known you my whole life," and most importantly, 144 00:06:58,197 --> 00:07:01,628 no real names. You're only here for sex? No reason to make it personal. 145 00:07:03,257 --> 00:07:06,025 Look at them, I've never seen a more pathetic group of people in my life. 146 00:07:06,121 --> 00:07:08,887 They're like rescue dogs pressing their sad faces 147 00:07:08,970 --> 00:07:12,230 against the bar begging you to take pity and take them home. 148 00:07:16,504 --> 00:07:19,100 - What are you doing here? - Needleman and I had a big fight. 149 00:07:19,184 --> 00:07:21,256 And, you know, we may have broken up, so. 150 00:07:21,339 --> 00:07:24,498 Anyway, I'm meeting some friends, and they're already inside. 151 00:07:24,654 --> 00:07:27,487 Now they're only letting girls in if they're, you know, with guys, so. 152 00:07:27,582 --> 00:07:29,232 That's terrible for you. So long. 153 00:07:32,359 --> 00:07:34,771 - All right, Allison, come on. - Thanks, guys. 154 00:07:38,830 --> 00:07:41,304 This place is going on, man. 155 00:07:41,392 --> 00:07:44,369 - This is gonna be like... - Yeah, shooting fish in a Barrel. 156 00:07:44,452 --> 00:07:45,512 OK, I get it. 157 00:07:48,148 --> 00:07:51,237 I found my people, so listen, since i'm not going away, 158 00:07:51,321 --> 00:07:53,054 - i'll pick up the kids later. - Fine. 159 00:07:53,162 --> 00:07:55,538 And by the way, your "free mammograms" t-shirt 160 00:07:55,628 --> 00:07:57,483 is showing through your button-down. 161 00:07:58,284 --> 00:07:59,800 You can read it, right? 162 00:08:03,620 --> 00:08:06,183 You and I are gonna have some sex tonight with women. 163 00:08:06,266 --> 00:08:07,680 Hey, guys, please. 164 00:08:08,958 --> 00:08:10,896 - Not in front of... - Melinda. 165 00:08:13,336 --> 00:08:14,627 We're gonna go dance. 166 00:08:16,852 --> 00:08:20,249 Man, this bar is totally different. She asked me if I was wearing underwear. 167 00:08:22,212 --> 00:08:24,175 All right, baby, let's see your moves here. 168 00:08:24,258 --> 00:08:26,088 Got a smoking hot blonde 3 o'clock. 169 00:08:29,952 --> 00:08:31,096 Hi. How you doing? 170 00:08:31,851 --> 00:08:34,246 - How are you? - I'm good. Where you from? 171 00:08:34,521 --> 00:08:37,125 A really small town called lone pine. 172 00:08:37,248 --> 00:08:38,911 Lone pine? Are you kidding me? 173 00:08:38,994 --> 00:08:41,520 Me and my dad used to go there all the time and we would hike. 174 00:08:41,616 --> 00:08:43,118 I'm a huge hiker. 175 00:08:43,201 --> 00:08:46,804 My god, perfect day would be a long hike, a big Italian dinner, 176 00:08:46,887 --> 00:08:49,580 then settle in to a Scorse movie. 177 00:08:50,543 --> 00:08:53,395 OK, before I ask you to marry me, which Scorse movie? 178 00:08:53,961 --> 00:08:55,901 - Raging Bull. - Raging bull. 179 00:08:56,177 --> 00:08:57,827 We can be in vegas in 4 hours, OK. 180 00:09:00,344 --> 00:09:02,882 - What the hell are you doing? - What, we're just talking? 181 00:09:02,966 --> 00:09:06,120 OK, I need you to get like tyra banks' hairline, and back up. 182 00:09:08,094 --> 00:09:10,052 Hey, guys, what's going on? 183 00:09:10,135 --> 00:09:13,260 I'm trying to get my boy here to learn how to have a one-night stand. 184 00:09:13,878 --> 00:09:15,985 A one-night stand? Yeah, that's not gonna happen. 185 00:09:16,068 --> 00:09:18,631 Excuse me, can I have another purple veiner, please? 186 00:09:19,468 --> 00:09:21,405 Hey, I can have a one-night stand. 187 00:09:21,529 --> 00:09:24,838 No, you can't. And I'll tell you why. 'cause you are a creature of habit. 188 00:09:24,923 --> 00:09:28,784 Once sex is made available to you, you're like a rat hitting a feeder bar. 189 00:09:28,869 --> 00:09:31,419 You'll just keep doing it over and over as long as she'll let you. 190 00:09:31,502 --> 00:09:34,734 And then, god forbid, she throws in a comfortable couch, 191 00:09:34,817 --> 00:09:37,054 a full refrigerator, and a big-screen TV. I mean, 192 00:09:37,137 --> 00:09:39,412 you know, you're not going anywhere till your heart explodes, 193 00:09:39,495 --> 00:09:42,793 you eat yourself to death, or she comes to her senses and divorces your ass. 194 00:09:43,588 --> 00:09:44,984 You're wrong, OK. 195 00:09:45,146 --> 00:09:48,038 I going to have sex with a woman tonight and I will be out of there by morning. 196 00:09:48,121 --> 00:09:52,114 Listen to me, Gary. If you have sex with a woman who is willing to feed you, 197 00:09:52,484 --> 00:09:55,649 they won't be able to blow you off her couch with dynamite. 198 00:09:58,029 --> 00:10:00,436 Man, these purple veiners like really fill you up. 199 00:10:04,581 --> 00:10:06,802 You can do this, man, OK. You're my boy. 200 00:10:07,096 --> 00:10:10,696 And I care about you more than anybody in the whole world. What's good, baby? 201 00:10:17,155 --> 00:10:20,621 All right, one-night stand. I'm in, I'm out. 202 00:10:28,149 --> 00:10:29,836 - Hello yourself. - My name's... 203 00:10:31,419 --> 00:10:32,419 Johnny. 204 00:10:33,154 --> 00:10:34,225 Johnny Steed. 205 00:10:37,412 --> 00:10:39,953 I'm Leah. What do you do, Johnny? 206 00:10:40,108 --> 00:10:43,669 I'm a painter. Fireman. And I'm an inventor. 207 00:10:45,606 --> 00:10:46,846 That is sexy. 208 00:10:47,105 --> 00:10:50,304 I'm a nurse, so I'm comfortable with the human body. 209 00:10:50,605 --> 00:10:51,605 Very. 210 00:10:53,160 --> 00:10:55,182 Look, Leah, before we go any further, 211 00:10:55,271 --> 00:10:57,903 i'm just gonna tell you right out i'm not looking for anything long-term. 212 00:10:58,000 --> 00:11:01,241 - You want to go back to my place? - Is my name Johnny Steed? 213 00:11:02,319 --> 00:11:04,209 That's the name I told you, right? 214 00:11:08,850 --> 00:11:10,233 This is really good. 215 00:11:12,650 --> 00:11:15,117 Yeah, I'm really enjoying this. 216 00:11:18,057 --> 00:11:19,827 You could turn it off if you want. 217 00:11:20,350 --> 00:11:22,241 Why? Are you scared? 218 00:11:23,695 --> 00:11:24,695 Are you? 219 00:11:34,123 --> 00:11:36,180 - That was amazing. - You're not kidding. 220 00:11:36,412 --> 00:11:39,148 Hey, listen, I have to get. 221 00:11:39,232 --> 00:11:41,878 - You know, I got this thing. - It's fine. 222 00:11:41,961 --> 00:11:44,294 - You can just go. - Really? OK. I just, as 223 00:11:44,379 --> 00:11:47,119 long you're sure. I wanted to make sure you didn't think that I was in... 224 00:11:47,216 --> 00:11:50,022 What, a one-night stand? Isn't that what it was? I mean, come on, 225 00:11:50,105 --> 00:11:53,188 it's not like we were both at fish in a Barrel for the halibut sliders. 226 00:11:53,272 --> 00:11:55,998 That's true. So if it's OK with you, i'll see you later. 227 00:11:56,084 --> 00:11:58,137 And, nice to know you. Bye-bye. 228 00:11:58,438 --> 00:12:01,189 Hey, are you hungry? Do you want something to eat before you go? 229 00:12:01,490 --> 00:12:02,670 What did you say? 230 00:12:04,266 --> 00:12:06,692 I don't know. Are you hungry? You want a sandwich? 231 00:12:07,034 --> 00:12:08,503 Yes, I would like a sandwich. 232 00:12:09,344 --> 00:12:12,738 But then I she probably leave this place immediately after the sandwich is done. 233 00:12:13,067 --> 00:12:14,668 All right. Want a beer with that? 234 00:12:14,819 --> 00:12:16,986 Yeah, that'd be what are you trying to do? 235 00:12:18,197 --> 00:12:20,330 Nothing. I'm hungry. I thought I'd make some food. 236 00:12:20,422 --> 00:12:22,287 You know, watch Taxi Driver. 237 00:12:22,660 --> 00:12:25,396 All right, food, beer, Scorse. 238 00:12:25,579 --> 00:12:28,625 And you're gonna be doing all that on this ridiculously comfortable couch? 239 00:12:28,763 --> 00:12:29,726 That's the plan. 240 00:12:29,809 --> 00:12:32,445 Well, then you watch out, 'cause papa bear's moving in. 241 00:12:35,436 --> 00:12:38,059 So, ladies, I have had a lot of fun tonight. 242 00:12:38,217 --> 00:12:41,618 But unfortunately staff sergeant Brooks is shipping out tomorrow. 243 00:12:41,842 --> 00:12:44,141 And my turret only needs one gunner. 244 00:12:45,760 --> 00:12:48,588 So, Melinda, what do you say we get out of here? 245 00:12:50,790 --> 00:12:53,221 I'm just gonna go to the little girls' room. 246 00:12:53,482 --> 00:12:55,935 Now, I do share a bunk bed with my nephew. 247 00:12:56,190 --> 00:12:58,970 So, we'll talk about that when you get back. 248 00:13:03,372 --> 00:13:04,885 All my girlfriends hooked up. 249 00:13:05,317 --> 00:13:08,476 Even the kind of homely one they invited to make the rest of us look good. 250 00:13:10,743 --> 00:13:12,393 I'm sorry you had a tough night, al. 251 00:13:13,873 --> 00:13:16,352 And you should see the guys that my friends picked. 252 00:13:16,437 --> 00:13:19,749 They're these grown-up man-children who drink and 253 00:13:20,202 --> 00:13:22,801 play video games and are just looking to score. 254 00:13:23,841 --> 00:13:25,731 I'm sorry they got all the good ones. 255 00:13:27,278 --> 00:13:29,384 Maybe there aren't any good men left. 256 00:13:31,570 --> 00:13:33,484 Kiddo, you're gonna find somebody. 257 00:13:33,656 --> 00:13:35,545 All right? You're smart. 258 00:13:36,151 --> 00:13:37,878 You're gorgeous. You're sexy. 259 00:13:38,337 --> 00:13:40,696 And anybody in the world would be lucky to have you. 260 00:13:41,074 --> 00:13:43,493 That is like the sweetest thing I have ever heard. 261 00:13:43,581 --> 00:13:45,525 - There you go. - Thank you. 262 00:13:47,564 --> 00:13:49,779 No. Hey, wait. Hold on a second. Wait, wait. 263 00:13:51,551 --> 00:13:52,622 Who was that? 264 00:13:53,627 --> 00:13:56,228 Just my last chance of getting laid before I go off to war. 265 00:13:58,312 --> 00:14:01,333 Gosh. Mitch, I'm, I'm sorry. 266 00:14:01,416 --> 00:14:03,956 Is there anything I can do to fix it? 267 00:14:08,203 --> 00:14:09,612 Well, there is, but... 268 00:14:10,130 --> 00:14:12,213 I could never look Gary in the eye again. 269 00:14:13,749 --> 00:14:14,645 Or could i? 270 00:14:28,396 --> 00:14:29,285 Candyman? 271 00:14:36,557 --> 00:14:37,603 Unbelievable. 272 00:14:38,169 --> 00:14:40,847 Apocalypse Now and Platoon broken up by fast times. 273 00:14:40,941 --> 00:14:42,554 I mean, there's no weak link. 274 00:14:43,114 --> 00:14:46,087 So, should I get dinner started, or do you want to have sex again? 275 00:14:46,485 --> 00:14:48,386 Well, how about we do both? 276 00:14:50,017 --> 00:14:53,423 You know, if you keep feeding me, this robe's gonna turn into a bra. 277 00:14:54,352 --> 00:14:56,876 My parents are coming over for dinner. I hope you don't mind. 278 00:14:58,439 --> 00:14:59,619 That's terrific. 279 00:14:59,833 --> 00:15:03,085 That's great news. Let me, let me go to the restroom then and freshen up. 280 00:15:07,408 --> 00:15:08,972 - Hello? - Allison, 281 00:15:09,330 --> 00:15:11,135 it's me, Gary. I don't know what to do. 282 00:15:11,287 --> 00:15:13,163 Gary, what's the matter? Where are you? 283 00:15:13,330 --> 00:15:15,891 Well, I met that girl at the place we were at, 284 00:15:15,975 --> 00:15:18,362 that fish in a Barrel thing we came to her house and we did it 285 00:15:18,446 --> 00:15:21,226 and then everything was all right, but then I came back in for like a sandwich 286 00:15:21,309 --> 00:15:23,504 and that led to beer and movies and then more food, 287 00:15:23,588 --> 00:15:26,170 and now I think her parents are coming over for an early supper. 288 00:15:26,254 --> 00:15:28,487 What? Gary, it's like 4:00 in the afternoon. 289 00:15:28,637 --> 00:15:30,514 I know. I'm so scared. 290 00:15:32,146 --> 00:15:33,201 Listen to me. 291 00:15:33,284 --> 00:15:36,439 All right, I know every fiber of your being is screaming 292 00:15:36,522 --> 00:15:39,820 you to stay on that coutch eat and have sex for the next 50 years or so... 293 00:15:39,982 --> 00:15:41,407 The voices are so loud. 294 00:15:41,613 --> 00:15:42,613 Think, Gary. 295 00:15:42,756 --> 00:15:45,653 Think. Think. What was the last one-night stand you had? 296 00:15:45,736 --> 00:15:47,056 Really think about that. 297 00:15:47,778 --> 00:15:49,379 Oh, my god, it was you. 298 00:15:50,688 --> 00:15:52,741 That's right. Now fast-forward to the nagging 299 00:15:52,824 --> 00:15:56,162 and the criticizing and the, you know, withholding of sex. 300 00:15:56,955 --> 00:15:58,015 My lawyer. 301 00:15:58,918 --> 00:16:00,552 That son of a bitch robbed me. 302 00:16:01,128 --> 00:16:02,600 Good, good, Gary. Go with that. 303 00:16:02,796 --> 00:16:04,648 I gotta get out of here. Thank you, Allison. 304 00:16:14,725 --> 00:16:15,661 It's Bagel? 305 00:16:16,219 --> 00:16:18,742 No, I can't. OK. No, I shouldn't. 306 00:16:18,937 --> 00:16:20,456 Is that monterey Jack Cheese? 307 00:16:20,606 --> 00:16:22,941 I shouldn't. I'll probably ruin my appetite. 308 00:16:23,024 --> 00:16:24,958 Why do I keep reaching for these. Sorry. 309 00:16:25,146 --> 00:16:27,463 - Knock-knock. - Hi, honey. 310 00:16:27,664 --> 00:16:29,798 Mom, dad, this is Johnny. He's a 311 00:16:30,608 --> 00:16:32,220 painter-fireman... Inventor. 312 00:16:33,294 --> 00:16:36,141 Yeah. Hello. But I have to go. Excuse me. 313 00:16:36,346 --> 00:16:39,242 - You're leaving? - Yes, I have to go to work. 314 00:16:39,416 --> 00:16:40,368 On a saturday? 315 00:16:40,542 --> 00:16:42,327 Yes, on a saturday I have to work. 316 00:16:42,416 --> 00:16:46,130 I have to paint for a Jewish family who won't 317 00:16:47,588 --> 00:16:49,718 paint for themselves on Shabbat. 318 00:16:55,159 --> 00:16:56,924 Hello, couch. I love you. 319 00:16:58,778 --> 00:17:00,210 I'll never leave you. 320 00:17:02,944 --> 00:17:04,189 How'd it go, stud? 321 00:17:04,766 --> 00:17:07,871 Good. I had a one-night stand. I mean, well, I stayed 322 00:17:07,959 --> 00:17:10,300 at her house until 4:00 in the afternoon and I met her parents, 323 00:17:10,383 --> 00:17:12,995 but, you know, hey, technically, I... It was a one-night stand. 324 00:17:14,493 --> 00:17:15,857 How about you? How'd it go? 325 00:17:15,940 --> 00:17:18,804 Well, things got interesting. 326 00:17:19,360 --> 00:17:22,068 It didn't work out with Melinda, thanks to your ex-wife. 327 00:17:22,350 --> 00:17:24,138 So I drank about 10 gallons of alcohol 328 00:17:24,221 --> 00:17:26,476 and took home the very last woman sitting at the bar. 329 00:17:27,173 --> 00:17:28,942 I'm not even sure if she was a woman. 330 00:17:30,111 --> 00:17:32,963 She might have been like a badger or a possum of some kind. 331 00:17:33,999 --> 00:17:37,161 Tell you what, though, she was about the best damn lover I've ever had. 332 00:17:40,211 --> 00:17:41,247 Couch. 333 00:17:41,874 --> 00:17:43,705 Let's see, where did we leave off? 334 00:17:44,217 --> 00:17:45,217 What? 335 00:17:45,962 --> 00:17:47,514 You have a cheeto for me? 336 00:17:49,504 --> 00:17:50,924 I love you. 337 00:17:55,515 --> 00:17:58,459 Louise forgot her dance bag again. Yeah. How'd it go with the girl? 338 00:17:58,542 --> 00:18:00,525 You getting married again? 'cause, we could always 339 00:18:00,608 --> 00:18:03,001 grease you up and squeeze you into your old tux. 340 00:18:04,941 --> 00:18:07,494 It went good. I mean, I had a one-night stand, but 341 00:18:07,577 --> 00:18:10,503 I feel terrible. I had to run out of there. It made me feel like real creep. 342 00:18:10,599 --> 00:18:13,458 I told you, you're not a one-night stand kind of guy. And 343 00:18:13,761 --> 00:18:16,418 it's not just because you're a creature of habit. It's also... 344 00:18:17,516 --> 00:18:20,456 All right, here I go. Listen good 'cause I'm only gonna say this once. 345 00:18:20,803 --> 00:18:21,983 You're a nice guy. 346 00:18:25,568 --> 00:18:27,124 That really had to hurt. 347 00:18:29,081 --> 00:18:30,165 It did, Gar. 348 00:18:30,978 --> 00:18:33,964 Tom was 10 pounds, came out sideways, and that hurt a lot less. 349 00:18:43,165 --> 00:18:44,342 Hey, you're back. 350 00:18:44,749 --> 00:18:47,863 - Johnny, I don't understand... - No. My name's not Johnny. It's Gary. 351 00:18:48,341 --> 00:18:50,189 - Oh, good. - 'cause mine's Kristin. 352 00:18:52,847 --> 00:18:54,485 I'm not looking for a relationship. 353 00:18:54,722 --> 00:18:56,445 - Neither am i. - That's great. 354 00:18:56,528 --> 00:18:59,236 But you should know the only reason I stayed as long as I did is cause there 355 00:18:59,319 --> 00:19:02,178 a perfect combination of Scorsese, alcohol, and food where 356 00:19:02,261 --> 00:19:04,819 my butt will be on your couch for the next 50 years. 357 00:19:05,582 --> 00:19:08,158 - Yeah, I don't want that. - I don't want that, either. 358 00:19:08,484 --> 00:19:11,471 So, let's just agree that we had a one-night stand? 359 00:19:11,822 --> 00:19:13,056 - Sure. - Cool. 360 00:19:13,139 --> 00:19:14,561 - Great. - All right. 361 00:19:15,043 --> 00:19:16,349 I got you some wine. 362 00:19:16,446 --> 00:19:19,047 Just to say, you know, sorry for leaving so quickly. 363 00:19:19,687 --> 00:19:21,950 This will go great with the Manicotti I just made. 364 00:19:26,841 --> 00:19:28,614 - You're blocking the door. - No, I'm not. 365 00:19:28,697 --> 00:19:30,307 - Yeah, you are. - Sorry. 366 00:19:30,390 --> 00:19:33,194 Do... garlic bread? 367 00:19:39,372 --> 00:19:42,079 - I'll see you in couple of months bro. - All right, man. Be safe. 368 00:19:42,162 --> 00:19:43,162 All right. 369 00:19:43,672 --> 00:19:45,493 You take care of that nickname, you hear? 370 00:19:45,577 --> 00:19:49,020 Not a problem thanks to the kid who fell asleep on picnic table in the courtyard. 371 00:19:49,267 --> 00:19:52,348 I don't know what he was dreaming about, but his new nickname is Sundial. 372 00:19:53,696 --> 00:19:54,696 Nice. 373 00:19:55,584 --> 00:19:58,338 - Well, have fun storming the castle. - Thanks. 374 00:19:59,120 --> 00:20:00,573 Hey, Gary, close your eyes. 375 00:20:08,532 --> 00:20:10,073 Gary, you can open your eyes. 376 00:20:10,493 --> 00:20:13,406 I just needed a prettier image in my head than the badger. 377 00:20:15,074 --> 00:20:16,230 Adios, amigos. 378 00:20:18,411 --> 00:20:19,735 God bless America. 379 00:20:22,010 --> 00:20:23,817 So did you talk to that woman? 380 00:20:23,900 --> 00:20:26,307 Yeah. You were right. I'm more of a relationship guy. 381 00:20:26,427 --> 00:20:28,765 - One-night stands, that's Curtis thing. - I'm in love. 382 00:20:28,848 --> 00:20:31,190 - Charleen and I are moving in together. - What? 383 00:20:31,272 --> 00:20:32,990 What happened to tasting all the flavors? 384 00:20:33,073 --> 00:20:35,399 I guess I found my flavor. Turns out it's mint chocolate chip. 385 00:20:36,995 --> 00:20:38,211 She's black irish. 386 00:20:38,951 --> 00:20:40,311 You guys get out of here. 387 00:20:40,436 --> 00:20:42,784 Hey, do me a favor, send Mitch in. I forgot something. 388 00:20:44,219 --> 00:20:45,315 What's up, bro? 389 00:20:52,036 --> 00:20:55,904 Team Subs-Addicts"